Irwin Beans

Adventures in Diaper Free Potty-Training

2012-05-14T21:35:00.000-04:00

Wow I just wrote for like an hour about this and lost it! Too depressing for words!

Our Anniversary

2012-04-20T13:12:00.001-04:00

This year is eight years since James and I got together.

AdriN2001: hey Mare
Mare51089: hey!!!
AdriN2001: How are you hunny?
Mare51089: gooders
AdriN2001: Dude Mare
AdriN2001: haha
Mare51089: dude
Mare51089: DUDE!
Mare51089: SUP DUDE?!!
AdriN2001: Sorry yo
Mare51089: no problemo
Mare51089: guess what?
AdriN2001: What?
Mare51089: remember when i was obsessed with free willy?
AdriN2001: Yeah?
Mare51089: well i was just watching it....good times.....
AdriN2001: hahaha
AdriN2001: Mare
AdriN2001: I met the guy I'm gonna marry
AdriN2001: I know him, my friend James
AdriN2001: But I just know now.
AdriN2001: I just know
Mare51089: really?
AdriN2001: Yeah
AdriN2001: I can't explain it
AdriN2001: We're not dating and we aren't going to be, right now
AdriN2001: But I just know, and so does he, and we've talked about it
Mare51089: that's so....awesomely strange
AdriN2001: And it's weird
AdriN2001: I can't explain how I feel
AdriN2001: Like, it's something incrediable
Mare51089: hm...
Mare51089: how did you know?
Mare51089: i mean...
AdriN2001: Something that the world set up a long time ago just for us, just so he and I would come together.
AdriN2001: We went to the bar Tues night, and we have always just been friends, like it wasn't anything more
Mare51089: yea
Mare51089: and?...
Mare51089: thats when it happened?
AdriN2001: And this night, we got real drunk, and went into the woods, and the world, it just touched us, it grabbed him, and we came back to my apartment and kissed a little but it wasn't anything much--but there was this feeling, and this knowledge, and we just knew
Mare51089: thats so...
Mare51089: interesting
Mare51089: i guess i dont have much to say, i mean you cant explain it and i've never felt it obviously, lol
AdriN2001: hahah
Mare51089: but that's good... i think....
AdriN2001: Yeah it's perfect
AdriN2001: But hey I gotta go
AdriN2001: You can tell Laur if ypou want but not Mom
Mare51089: ok
Mare51089: i won't
Mare51089: i love you
Mare51089: bye
AdriN2001: I love you too
AdriN2001: bye bye

Containers

2012-01-29T09:22:00.000-05:00

So I'm about to go all OCD on our food cabinets. We're standardizing all our grains, cereals, flours, ends of chip bags, etc, into square nesting containers (POP brand).

I ordered a few samples which arrived a week or so ago and I LOVE THEM. They are very high quality and make a satisfying sealing noise. They are easy to open, close, pour out of, etc.

When we get them, we should be able to better see all of our food options at a glance, without things going bad, stale, getting pushed to the back of the cabinet, lost, etc. Furthermore, since we buy a lot in bulk, we can put the empty containers right into our shopping bag.

I think it will be a good thing. The idea of opening my food cabinets and seeing all the containers stacked like that just makes me so freaking excited I can hardly deal.

It was an investment, but it is like a few others we have been making recently to try to organize our life, saving money and time. I will post pics--I am picking them up on Friday so maybe I'll do a silent Saturday about them on Saturday. But who knows, the transfer process might take more than one day, though, I can be efficient when motivated!

Benefits to Toddler Nursing

2012-01-28T08:54:00.015-05:00

James is still nursing. In fact, he's nursing more now than he has in many months.

He now nurses around 12 am, 5am, 7am
Nurses to sleep for one nap @12 or two naps--@10 and 2 ish
Nurses around 5pm if we are home/alone
Nurses to sleep around 6pm (if it's a one nap day) or 8pm (for a two nap day)

The 7am and 5pm sessions are new--though I have often given a bottle at 5pm to use up my milk stash, I could never get him to focus on nursing then before, but now he is re-interested.

Anyway, I am appreciating some definite benefits:

1. The 7am session means he's hungry for breakfast a little later, giving me time to get up/dressed.
2. The 5pm session is the PERFECT solution to what my Mom calls "The ugly Hour" The ungodly time when tiredness of the day meets pre-dinner hunger and Dad isn't home yet to help out--baby clings whiny to Moms while she attempts to cook dinner . . . A little milk improves the mood of the ugly hour to manageable levels!
3. Smart baby. Breast milk is perfect nutrition. There are tons of fats and proteins that make up neurons and neural pathways in the brain and body. As I sit there and watch james' comprehensive vocabulary and his signing ability start to take off already at 14 months . . . well, who know if it is even related, but the Mylar sheaths coating and protecting his neurons are made exclusively of human (or maybe veggie, hehe) fats. I love that. He is my body delightfully re-purposed.
4. Magic relaxation comes with letdown. I might be about to pull my hair out at the end, or even the beginning, of the day. But if this frustration coincides with nursing, those love hormones just melt away all my bad mood/feelings.
5. No need to worry about nutrition. Many tots are picky eaters. And even though mine is not, he is vegan. Of course I worry about his nutrition, despite the fact that he seemingly eats a wider variety of fresh, healthy, and organic foods than most kids his age . . . but, as long as I am nursing him on demand, I can be assured that he is getting everything he needs nutritionally.
6. Wolverine Style healing ability for the very frequent bruises, cuts, rug burn, etc. James is pretty active and probably falls and seriously hits his head . . . at least a couple times a week. He also scratches himself on wood, paper, concrete, furniture, cats (ahem), etc. But he heals so fast . . . a minor cut will be scabbed one day and the scab will fall off on day two. A huge bang to the head will go from an egg one day to a bruise the next, and completely disappeared within a few days or a week . . .
7. Emergency snack for any situation. Though, james would have to be REALLY hungry to nurse in a non-home and non-quiet environment, but if we were really in a pinch (or even like a flood or dangerous situation) I know I always have clean, sterile, perfect nutrition for him whereever we are!

I'm sure there are more but those a just a few benefits of Toddler Nursing that I can think of! Some are nursing benefits at any age, I suppose, hehe.

Birth Revelations!

2012-01-27T08:42:00.003-05:00

So, Jamesy and I visited our cousin Emily and little cousin Ava, who is already 7 1/2 months old!

My cousin had never seen my birth video, so we watched it. I've seen it sooo many times before, but never before have I noticed . . .

an arm? Not a hand. An arm. Wow. That is really a whole arm!

Emily and I saw it together, our simultaneous gasp summing up the previous paragraph . . .

My baby crowned not only a head. He crowned an entire arm and shoulder, too. Like, when he was crowning his elbow was coming out with his head, and when the head was out the whole arm was out.

All of a sudden, all of the following things make sense.

-Why I was having shooting pains down one leg for the last month of pregnancy.

-Why the crowning/pushing stage took a relatively long time compared to the overall course of the labor. From the beginning of labor until full dilation was about 2 hours. And then from full dilation until crowing was another hour and a half. His head/arm/shoulder were out a full three contractions before I was able to push him the rest of the way out.

-Why the crowning/pushing stage were so painful for me. Now, I did have an easy birth, and the pain of crowning and pushing was actually about what I had expected it would be. But . . . now seeing what was actually happening in my vagina when I birthed this baby, it kinda makes me wonder if the next one will be a totally crazy pain-free birth or something. I can't imagine how much easier it would be to push out only a head. A head is already shaped to fit through the opening provided for the baby. An arm/shoulder/head is not smooth and round.

-Why I had a 5th degree tear.

-Potentially why james took a long time to breathe/clear his lungs. That birth presentation/posture would have put extra/incorrect/not enough pressure on his body. The vagina is meant to clamp down on the chest of the baby to expel fluids after the head is born, but maybe his presentation prevented this clamping from happening correctly. They say the first breath is the hardest to take so having extra fluid to clear or feeling an extra weight must have made it harder.

Now, someone could read this list and say these things happen to babies born in a textbook position all the time. Or maybe wonder why it even matters to me.

I like to understand. And I know myself well. Things happen for a reason. I like to understand the reasons behind things. When I saw that arm, it was like I put in the final piece of my birth experience puzzle and can see the entire picture clearly now.

I guess time will only tell. If I have another baby, in a textbook position, I would guess my labor will be closer to 3 hours than 5, and that I will not tear at all except minorly (or along the old tear), and that crowning/pushing will be a comparative breeze and my post-partum recovery will be practically non-existent. But like I said, time will tell!

Along with this realization also came some crazy birth power. Now I really feel like I could handle anything. 11 lbs baby, natural vaginal breech birth--whatever! I am woman I roar out baby.

At least it's not the 50's...

2012-01-26T16:41:00.002-05:00

Sometimes I wear an apron, and stand in my kitchen with a wooden spoon. What if it was the 50's? What if I was home, not by choice, but by non-choice. What if I didn't feel like I should . . . use birth control . . . or get a college degree, or write in detail about my mental health.

And all I can say is . . . well, things would be a lot worse. But my reflective moment is more to realize that our parents and grandparents . . . our mothers and grandmothers . . . that WAS their life. Now we understand that not everyone is meant to stay at home--now much fewer women are silenced and repressed (at least in our country) . . . but back then?

I think the guilt is there for the taking--inherited from our mothers, grandmothers, from old books and ads and movies . . . for some reason, women have always been made to feel as if the role of Mom and Wife should be ENOUGH for them. But why?

It's so interesting that in our 50's world, a Man would be scorned for staying at home raising his kids--why? Because he's not earning an income--he's not WORKING. And yet--let's be honest, few jobs leave you more exhausted at 5pm than staying at home.

So ...why the double standard? Why are men made to feel guilty for wanting to stay at home and why were/are women made to feel guilty when . . . being a MomWife isn't fulfilling all your aspirations?

Postpartum Depression (For Me)

2012-01-14T08:23:00.022-05:00

So here's a run-down. I feel like this is all so obvious but maybe not.

Post-partum depression . . . an interesting animal. It sneaks up on you unexpectedly. Later than you think, usually.

I didn't get the baby blues, I had an awesome immediate post-partum experience. My hubby was home for a whole month, my baby was easy, my birth was great, breastfeeding . . . . honestly was painful for a long time but since everything else was so good it was not an issue to get through that first painful month (which in retrospect was a combination of oversupply, minor tongue tie, and lip tie, all unidentified until much later).

And yet I didn't love my baby. I mean I did in one way. Of course I loved him very much. But my heart was like a vice. I admired his cuteness, felt peaceful and loving when breastfeeding . . . but when I looked at him my heart did not move. Do you know when you look at someone you love, esp after a long time? Your heart swoops out before you to meet them, and then holding them, or seeing them, or being with them, is like reembracing your own heart again . . . ? Your heart moves when you love people--swoops, plunges, chokes you sometimes . . .

My heart just did not move for him and intellectually I know I loved him and I felt it on some level but . . . my heart was a vice. I protected myself seriously and, to some extent, consciously, against connecting with him until he was over the worst time period for SIDS . . . I was afraid, after taking 3 years to conceive him, having multiple miscarriages . . . I just didn't want to love him too much until I was sure this was really it for us . . . Really, now in retrospect, without emotion but with logic, SIDS is SO rare and usually affected by so many risk factors that we don't have . . . but that was my fear at the time and I owned it shamelessly.

So this started to lift around 5 months . . . and still I was okay, honestly, just, hard in my heart, but softening.

But then teething started at 6 months. Crawling started at 7.5 months. And it was almost like I went from being afraid I would lose him to suddenly losing myself. Losing my life.

I like writing. (Blogs, Message Boards, Facebook, etc). It helps me. But I couldn't do it with him crawling. I had to watch him at every second. I had to spend every moment trying to transform my world into a baby-safe place, so that I COULD have more than a second alone or to eat, or to shower, or . . .

And writing isn't the only thing I like to do--but suddenly it's like the hard-won independence of adulthood--which I had so longed for and wished for as a child--the ability to control my own life--which I ran at, like a horse out of the gate, as a teenager . . . this independence was suddenly, once again, gone. No one explained to me that 18 until when you have kids is the only time that you are actually independent and making decisions for your own best interests (and when your kids are grown, I suppose).

I didn't realize I was in like this "special freedom zone" but now in retrospect, other parents did attempt to tell me with things like: "Wait until they are crawling" "It all changes after you have kids" "Enjoy your sleep now", etc. You just don't realize that all of these things will get into your PSYCHOLOGY. That you will feel GUILT about the resentment of your lost freedom, you will feel CONFLICTED about your child, to feel such strong love for one who simultaneously demands SO much ALL THE TIME. It's emotionally and psychologically extremely challenging. I don't know if it's not something you can explain to someone, or if people just haven't done it well enough . . .

Anyway, things started to go downhill for me around 7.5-8 months, though honestly my whole "detached-out-of-fear" thing probably didn't set me up really nicely there, either . . . and the very worst was from like 7.5-11.5 months--for him, and honestly so much of it was related to teething. He became such a different child when his first 7 were in and we had a long break there for awhile. For me the stress continued through a haze of 1st birthday party (Nov 19th), Thanksgiving and related travel (20th-26th), and Christmas, and cleaning up from Christmas.

But in spite of this, I had really started to enjoy this independent, communicative toddler, down to nursing 6ish times a day . . . I LOVED not having to constantly manage meds and homeopathic teething solutions . . . I LOVED having a predictable 2-nap day and a baby who was easy peasy to put to sleep! I LOVED IT.

And stupidly I thought it was all related to him getting older. NOPE. TURNS OUT IT WAS ALL RELATED TO A BREAK FROM F'ING TEETHING. Now his molars are coming in and I feel like I've been dropped right back into hell. I'm such a freaking "put the bad stuff out of my mind" sort of person that I forget within a week how awful it was with him teething. But now it's back and . . . I don't know, I'd just started feeling normal and like I was feeling better. Now the idea of having to deal with this teething/clingyness/constant nursing/refusing to eat/refusing to nap/needing to constantly medicate/etc sort of baby for possibly another YEAR??! It's honestly panic-inducing.

I think I might need to step up my pharmacology. Taking adderall every day DOES help me manage my life. But I think it's . . . missing the major issue at this point.

And like I have the F'ing energy to sort through like 15 crappy psychiatrists to find one who will actually listen to and respect me and the fact that my system is SUPER sensitive and I will want to try a VERY VERY low dose, and communicate in more detail about what my options are and what diagnos(es?) I fit, etc . . . like I really have the energy to do that.

James the Hubby is home with me today because . . . I needed a mental health sick day from being a Mommy.

What Has She Won, Folks?

2012-01-13T08:20:00.001-05:00

There are many possible symptoms of postpartum depression, including the following:

Inability to sleep or sleeping a lot.
Change in appetite.
Extreme concern and worry about the baby or a lack of interest or feelings for the baby.
Feeling unable to love the baby or your family.
Anger toward the baby, your partner, or other family members.
Anxiety or panic attacks.
Fear of harming your baby. These thoughts may be obsessive, and you may be afraid to be left alone in the house with your baby.
Irritability.
Sadness or excessive crying.
Difficulty concentrating or remembering.
Feelings of doubt, guilt, helplessness, hopelessness, or restlessness.
Lethargy or extreme fatigue.
Loss of interest in hobbies or other usual activities.
Mood swings marked by exaggerated highs and lows.
Feeling emotionally numb.
Numbness or tingling in your arms or legs.
Hyperventilating.
Frequent calls to the pediatrician with an inability to be reassured.
Recurrent thoughts of death, which may include thinking about or even planning suicide.
Obsessive-compulsive features, including intrusive, repetitive thoughts and anxiety

*http://www.webmd.com/depression/postpartum-depression/understanding-postpartum-depression-symptoms*

Wordless Wednesday: Mom/Baby Friends?!

2011-12-07T21:47:00.000-05:00

First Dairy

2011-12-04T08:48:00.002-05:00

So we're vegan . . . and James David has been pretty much vegan for his life, too . . .
Except for 1.5 times when he ate cat food . . . at least one time definitely in the mouth (swallowing uncertain), another time or two where he MIGHT have eaten some but I'm not sure . . .

And of course, he nurses. Breast milk is an "animal product", but he is the one it is meant for! Personally I think cow's milk is great! For baby cows! And human milk is great, too! For baby humans!

Anyway, so he's never had cow's milk (or any non-Mom dairy). Well, he HAD never had any non-Mom dairy! But . . .

Me and Mariclare went to our 10-year high school reunion last week, and me and LJ slept over at my parents' house. It was . . . interesting to say the least! Of course the only people who showed were people who were relatively happy and secure with their current situation. All the haters stayed home, so we had a good ole time!

Such a good ole time that when some unknown and loving family member (ie, Kate), pulled the "awake and seeking attention baby" out of my sleepy arms at 6:30am, I felt nothing but gratitude and immediately zonked out.

So I woke up a few hours later feeling SO happy for the extra sleep, scooped up my cute baby, and my sister comes up like:

"Okay, don't freak out."
I look at the baby, he seems fine. "Okay? What?"
"Dad fed him Greek Yogurt this morning."
"What?"
"Yeahhhhh..."

And I did not freak out. I honestly was still in the mentality of "THANK YOU MYSTERY FAMILY MEMBER WHO RESCUED ME FROM MOTHERHOOD AT 6AM!!" So much so that I was like: "Oh well, at least I got to sleep in". LOL

Though for the record, my Dad did not do this on purpose. Though he is very smart about some things . . . he just did NOT realize. Basically I had brought these leftovers in a yogurt container. My Mom saw this, and told my Dad there was yogurt in there for him. So my Dad went to look for it, saw the leftovers, and then the only other yogurt in the fridge was the Greek Yogurt and he was basically like: "Okay here we go, yogurt".

It's pretty funny though, my Dad was saying that even though James was eating it . . . "it was like he knew he wasn't supposed to be." Hahaha, like he wasn't eating very much of it--and was sort of eating hesitantly? and let me tell you, he can PUT AWAY FOOD normally, so it's funny.

Though I was telling my Dad it probably had less to do with being DAIRY than being an unfamiliar food. He is a well-attached baby and definitely looks to me or his Dad when encountering an unfamiliar food, animal, person, etc. He looks at our reaction to see how he should react. I watch him do this.

So, though he KNOWS my Dad and sister, he doesn't trust them in the same way, so when they were offering him an unfamiliar (TOTALLY UNFAMILIAR) food, he just wasn't quite trusting them that he was supposed to eat it. It's just funny that he was right!

Anyway, the thing I was most concerned about is some kind of allergic reaction (immediately) which didn't happen, and then stomach upset (in the hours after) which also didn't happen. So it ended up being a non-event . . .

But there is the story of first (and perhaps only? Probably not I guess!) dairy!

Wordless Wednesday: Birthday, by Burtons (Guest Photo)

2011-11-30T15:50:00.000-05:00

What We Do With Vaccines, and Why

2011-11-26T11:03:00.000-05:00

I would list us under "moderate" in terms of our stance on vaccinations.

For the most part, in my opinion, most vaccines are harmless for most kids, and mostly protect most of us from most of the deadliest and most crippling diseases!

However . . . some vaccines are also deadly for some kids some of the time. Some of the ingredients in vaccines are "poisonous" to the body some of the time. Some vaccines are also unnecessary for some kids in some situations. In fact, some vaccines are unnecessary for most kids in most situations!

And some of the diseases we are mostly protected against? Are mostly harmless to most people most of the time. But, some of the diseases we are mostly protected against are really awful for most kids most of the time, too!

So, James and I make the following decision about vaccines: One at a time. We do not make broad statements like:

-Let's receive all vaccines blindly without researching.
-We will not receive any vaccines on principle.
-All vaccines are important and necessary.
-All vaccines are poisonous, harmful, and dangerous.

For what it's worth, we have done the following so far:

-Chosen not to get Hep B at Birth or One month. There is no reason why he would get this, and at such a young age, we had no reason to put those chemicals in his body without a real risk.

The reason Hep B is given to infants is if the Mom has it already, could have gotten it during her pregnancy because one of the parents is cheating, or if the infant needs a blood tranfusion, it can sneak through a screen 1 in 65,000 times.

However, if there is any risk that the infant could catch it, it is worth getting . . . 90% of infants who catch it during birth have it forever.

-At 2 months received Pneumoccal--Pc (common, deadly 20-30% of the time for infants) and Hib (Used to be common, deadly to 5%, disabling to 25%).

Both these diseases can lead to meningitis, one of the top killers of newborns. Furthermore, James' family has a history of weakness to meningitis. It was a priority for us to protect him against this. When he was 2 months old he was 12.5 lbs! We decided he was ready to handle the side effects and risks because the risks of not doing it were higher at that point.

Furthermore, both of these vaccines have been around for along time, and the amount of times it has led to serious complications in a small child is extremely rare.

-At 4 months received a combo shot of Dtap and Polio. There is evidence that a combo shot means that less ("poisonous") ingredients are needed with the vaccines.

DTap is protection against Diphtheria (rare, but deadly to 10%, but also treatable), Tetanus (rare, but deadly to 15%, and really severely awful to recover from), Pertussis (Whooping Cough, common, occasionally deadly--to 1% under 6 months).

We also received a 2nd dose of Hib.

-At 6 months we decided to receive nothing because James had not been feeling well (I forget if it was a cold or fever, teething related or not, but he had been sick the previous week). Commonly when reactions to vaccines occur, it is if the vaccine is given while the immune system is compromised, IE, when the child is sick or has recently been sick.

-But we rescheduled for 7 months, and then received a second dose of Pc and a third dose of Hib.

-We have chosen not to get Rotavirus . . . but now in researching to write this, LOL, I think I might reconsider . . .

Well, it is originally given at 2, 4, 6, months but it was totally un-necessary then (for us). While Rotavirus is a common disease that can lead to a somewhat serious risk of dehydration often needing a hospital stay to recover from . . . the risk of a baby who is not in daycare catching it is pretty low. And when James was that little I was barely even leaving the house, so there was no reason to get it then.

Plus, he was allergic to everything then and this is an oral vaccine, so he was at somewhat of a risk for developing a reaction because of that.

But now that his system is stronger, he's bigger, and we are being more social with other kids, he's at a SLIGHTLY higher risk of catching it. Though, then again, the odds of a tot who is still breastfeeding getting dehydrated and more seriously sick is fairly low . . .

I guess I'm still deciding! But this is a good example of what we try to consider when making each decision about each vaccine for each of our children at each visit.

Obviously there is a lot more to the full vaccine series but this is just what we've done so far. Who knows what we'll end up doing, we haven't really researched the rest yet, hehe. However, I will say without adding any more detail that we will put off the MMR for his 12 month visit, and probably just catch him up on one of the other ones instead.

A few more important things to add . . .

I believe it is a parent's right, for whatever reason, to decide that no vaccines are right for her/his child for some reason. But with this said. There is one more important point that I must add:

It is very important for most of the people to get vaccinated against some of the deadliest diseases, most of the time. Otherwise we face a situation where most of the people are somewhat at risk, and that isn't fair to anyone.

*We got most of our information from the Dr. Sears Vaccine Book. I would consider it to be a very fair and balanced book that presents all the information without telling you what to think or adding unnecessary fear-mongering. Unfortunately, it is one of few resources that I can say this about! I would highly recommend it.

Hi to Another Kid

2011-11-25T11:46:00.001-05:00

Sometimes I think you read this, and this is what I always wanted to tell you.

I hate that I couldn't keep my promise to be there for you no matter what.
I still think often about this and feel very regretful. You did not need another broken promise in your life--I am so sorry.

What happened with me was NOT your fault. If you have any guilt about this . . . the idea that you might have any guilt about this is one of the hardest things for me, so hopefully you don't.

I fell into a trap that many young and inexperienced people in my position fall into--to become friends. I needed training on how to set proper boundaries and I didn't get it. It has taken a lot of therapy to realize I was not entirely to blame for my misjudgments, just as a teenager who does not get the right support is not entirely to blame for their misjudgments...

I really, really, hope that . . . I helped you. It's all I wanted to do, even though I might not have been smart enough about it.

I can't tell you how proud it makes me to see that you have held down the same job for quite awhile now, that you have a real girlfriend--that you are smiling, that you seem happy, as much as I can tell from cyberspace . . .

I wish the world was a different place where people who felt like family could just be family . . . in my heart you will always be my kid. My son who I am SO proud of, for whom I have SUCH high hopes. You can do anything you set your mind to--so pick something good that makes you happy and do it--do it every day so that the joy of it sings through your soul.

I have thought and thought these things for so long . . . so I'm just saying them, here, and hoping the message finds your ear along the winds somewhere in time.

Might As Well Talk about Religion Too...for Thanksgiving!

2011-11-24T02:13:00.001-05:00

We are quasi religious I guess.

Our family does believe in God. I was raised Catholic, James was "raised" Protestant. We have both always been deeply spiritual but never quite connected with our religions. We have studied a lot and taken a lot of lessons from Buddism, Taoism, Judiasm, and Christianity, as well.

However nothing felt right. I do not like the concept of religion because of a Buddist lesson/saying--"the moon that can be named is not the true moon". Or in Catholic terms--man cannot explain God, ever changing, ever reactive, unknowable, unfathomable. I have only (and just a small one, at that) a personal sense for what God is which I could never force upon someone else. A force, the goodness, an entity (and of what form)? I know none of these.

My opinions of the Bible, Torah, Quran, etc, is that they contain some of the true "qi", the original energy from the Teachers--Jesus, Buddah, Moses, Muhammed, Da Mo, Gwan Yin, Lao Tzu, etc . . . but it can be very difficult to access, learn from, use effectively . . . furthermore, the true teachings are watered down, filtered through a screen of time, power, priorities, of language, mistranslation, editing . . . hence the difficulty in learning--the ease in twisting messages so that people can claim to kill for God or war for Peace. Soooo, I believe you should only take positive messages from things written by humans. Jesus taught us that humans erred. The Bible, Torah, and Quran are as flawed as their writers/recorders, unfortunately--humans, many of them politically motivated, who lived long ago and not only in one period of time but continually changing, editing, twisting, translating. Therefore, any negative messages that get twisted into these texts should be ignored. Like those that make terrorists think God is on their side, or those who inspire our young homosexual boys and girls to commit suicide because they think God/the religious masses hates them.

However, there are also excellent messages in these texts. Like that forgiveness is a way to heaven/enlightenment. Or that honoring your mother and father is a requirement. Or that all people deserve freedom and the opportunity to work and live.

James and I are very lucky to have found a way to learn from these excellent messages, as well, through Yan Xin Qigong. James started practicing in 1998, when he was a freshman in college. I started in 2003, when I was a sophomore.

It is not a religion, but I would consider my Teacher, Dr. Yan Xin, to be a true Teacher or more traditionally called "Master". I don't believe Jesus was the "son of God" in a more specific way than Buddah, Moses, Muhammed, Da Mo, Gwan Yin, or Lao Tzu. I believe that people who attain far along the path of enlightenment become closer to God in, through, and by way of the process/journey. I believe all of these Teachers went far along the path of enlightenment, and that many fully achieved it. As far as my OWN teacher? Well, who am I to judge my own Teacher other than to say he is my true Master. Through his teaching I am able to learn from all the Masters, all the Teachers . . . It is a Thanksgiving Topic for sure.

On this Thanksgiving in particular I wanted to be Thankful for the blessings Yan Xin Qigong has brought to my life. For my family, my husband, my baby, my life . . . I do have so much to be Thankful for.

In Which my Baby Turns a Year Old and I Emerge out of a Hormonal Fog World . . .

2011-11-23T02:49:00.000-05:00

So I guess I got hit with post-partum depression when James started crawling and my life as I knew it truly ended. But it was sort of hard to see what was going on, I suppose. When I went back to my therapist several months ago, I said to myself that it was because I was protecting myself from depression--dealing with the things I was feeling/thinking before it turned into something worse, before it turned into a depression. It was only about a month ago that I realized I was actually, had been for all this time, depressed already! For me I seem to only realize it as I am starting to recover.

Anyway, WHEN I went back to my therapist several months ago, she said: "Women are allowed to be crazy for TWELVE MONTHS after they have a baby. One year for your hormones to be insane and totally out of wack. After that you have to pull yourself together but until then all bets are off." As I seem to do, I sort of dismissed this advice without appreciating it's true significance.

And yet . . . 11.5 months rolls around. My baby starts to nurse a lot less, only ONCE over the whole night sometimes . . . and suddenly, I swear to God, I have emerged into a new world. I can't quite describe what changed or how--I started to look at my baby without any resentment--something I had been doing, I suppose, mostly unconsciously--I started to feel more free . . . nursing is different now, has changed--he's finally to the point with food now where he COULD be okay if I stopped nursing altogether. I don't WANT to do that at ALL but for me it has always made a huge difference when I'm doing something because I WANT to, not because I have to . . .

But really it's hard to say what's changed, what is different. But it really feels like I was stuck in a tall dark maze and have suddenly emerged--into the sun or perhaps clear warm night, starry sky--the air seems to smell more fresh, the world seems more bright. All of a sudden, as if I suddenly passed through a curtain, things are different. I have perspective on my life, my situation, my child, my past . . . I'm starting to heal from things that were hurt, and undone, and left too long, and not left long enough . . .

And it feels really good.

Happy Halloween!

2011-10-31T20:12:00.004-04:00

(Let's just pretend I actually did publish this on Halloween!)

Not Quite BLW

2011-10-14T10:39:00.002-04:00

So I set out with the intention to do BLW, but then I didn't REALLY get what it was--because I wanted my kid to eat healthier than I eat, which doesn't quite work with STRICT BLW (sharing food with baby).

And, as it happened, I got a baby with a million food allergies, and then, constipation issues (to rice, banana, apple, other grains, etc) . . . so he needed to eat mostly a prune/raisin/apricot/peach/squash/beet/carrot/soy yogurt, etc type diet while I am eating like fake mac and cheese and tofu pups and bean tacos and also healthier things, but typically flavored with soy sauce, nutritional yeast, "butter", tchratcha sauce, etc . . . so, he can't eat it.

So this is what we've been doing. Now at nearly 11 months he's been having 3 meals a day. Breakfast at 8 am is the most recent meal addition--we started that third meal maybe a month ago, around 9.5-10 months. He wants to eat by like 7:30 - 8 and I couldn't deal with the mess of letting him self feed. So this is this one meal that I feed him soft food with a spoon and don't let him even help more than one or two seconds per morning . . .

So, 8 am, I feed him unsweentened soy yogurt mixed with diced rehydrated prunes and prune syrup. The prune adds some sweet to the unsweetened yogurt, plus this whole mix gets his sensitive system started out right, so he doesn't get constipated.

Then at noon he eats lunch, and at this point we do let him self-feed, but it's not really what we are eating. He usually eats a few prunes, or sometimes raisins or apricots (all rehydrated--ie, floating in water/syrup and all wet and MESSY but ideal for promoting pooping). And then usually some kind of veggie--grated carrot or beet or daikon, etc--steamed broccoli, asparagus, green, etc--sliced tomato or avocado, etc. And then usually some other kind of whole fresh fruit--slice of mango or kiwi or a whole peach, plum, nectarine--now just starting to give apples and it seems to be going okay (woot).

Repeat a similar style of meal around 4pm--his dinner I suppose. I also try to give him some kind of easy-to-eat protein once a day, like tofu, lentils, hummus, bean soup, etc. He LOVES hummus but I need to make my own because all the brand ones make him react.

And then sometimes he has dinner with us (usually a small amount of a selection of what we are having if we eat before 6:30)--otherwise we eat after he goes to bed.

So I guess as he approaches a year I'm thinking of making that 6:30 meal more significant (and prob changing 4pm dinner to 2-3pm snack). I might even make buckwheat/quinoa cereal with breastmilk (and mixed with prunes/raisins) and let him practice eating with a spoon at that meal/us feeding him.

So that's where we are at! In terms of self-feeding, it's going really well. He loves to eat, he loves all food basically. He'll eat for a half hour, fairly steadily, when he has lunch and dinner. He does the pincer grasp and is really good at eating everything with his hands, including whole unpeeled fruit. Like any 11 month old baby (I would think) he's not great with using spoons/forks, and we aren't great at letting him practice because he's actually more messy than when he uses his hands. Maybe that will be part of "dinner" now, too. He did actually "get" recently the whole putting the spoon/fork in the spoon as a means to eat, so I guess now it's time to practice, hehe.

Sorry for not updating more--james LOVES the computer and he won't let me type when he's awake. And when he's napping there is so much more to do! And in the evening I am so tired, I've been going to bed at like 8 or 9. And sometimes he doesn't fall asleep until 8:30, sooooo yeah. And sorry also if I have been a bad friend/family member in terms of calling back/hanging out. This parenting stuff is totes a full time job!! Mama's tired.

In Which I Discover it is Possible to Rock my Baby to Sleep

2011-09-13T10:09:00.000-04:00

So if you recall a previous post, I explained that I needed to strap James down to get him to go to sleep. Like, in his swing, carseat, or stroller.

Well, while I was on vacation, and unable to fall back on my swing. . . I was forced to learn to rock my baby to sleep. And DAMN IT IS HARD TO DO, but it is possible, and it actually only takes 15 mins (unless he is in pain from teething, or not quite tired enough, or constipated, or he sneak pooed and I have yet to notice it or something, in which case it can take 30 mins or longer sometimes).

BUT for the most part, it can be done in 15 mins. But it's like . . .

5 mins in which the baby screams, thrashes, kicks his feet at you, scratches, bites, claws your eyes and mouth, cries, etc.
5 mins in which he does all of these things with less gusto, with moments of calm mixed in
5 mins in which he is calm and more and more appears to be asleep

I honestly wish I could have a video of this because it's really ridiculous.

And finally he is really asleep and it is possible to transfer him onto his side on a bed or in a pack and play, and then to sort of shake him there for a second, and finally you can leave.

So now having discovered this I am pleased to find myself developing more self-efficacy with getting him to sleep, in different locations and bed situations.
Now I rarely have to resort to crying-it-out, because I really did hate it . . . for over a month now we've been rocking our hearts out! Better than CIO, but it's still hard, and teething makes it worse. I need to do a whole (other) post on teething, too.

Behind

2011-09-12T20:30:00.000-04:00

I hate when I haven't been blogging enough because nothing is explained . . . I can't figure out where to start with how much he has changed, what our life has been, what has been going on. Maybe it's the new normal for the weeks to fly by like a flip-book. Can't believe my boy is nearly 10 months old--time to start planning a first birthday party?! Crahazy!

9/11?

2011-09-11T19:49:00.001-04:00

So I feel like I have to comment but I'm not even sure what to say . . . everything is cliche. Or maybe I want really to say the opposite of all the cliche things?

I think mostly today of the families that lost someone . . .

It sucks that the events of that day have gotten us into wars in multiple countries since then

and turned our society suspiciously against itself ...

made our foreign affairs into a crusade for the religion of the "free"

But no one can be free when there is war in their homeland
And still no peace exists there
Despite many lives given on both--every--side

So I hope for the future

May I one day live in a world in which we truly care for each human...feed their needs and heal each wound, seen and unseen

I hope I see it

Wordless Wednesday: Cousins!

2011-08-17T19:51:00.000-04:00

Travel with A Little/How I Missed my Flight/Wednesday

2011-08-13T09:36:00.024-04:00

Okay, probably because I was in denial about the difficulty/work aspect, pretty much no one knew that I was taking a vacation, with james, for a week, and then James is meeting us for the final few days . . .

We are now in Jacksonville, FL, until Monday morning. We are here visiting my cousin Dave and our new little cousin Parker--this will be my first time meeting Parker!

Our flight was SUPPOSED TO be Wednesday at 1:30, land at 3:30, check into the hotel and have a leisurely night settling in, and then see Dave, Tracy, and Parker on Thursday. However . . . we missed our flight. :-/

I will say that both me, and my Dad who was driving me, tends to cut it close in terms of arrival. We are not the type to sit around the airport. We like to arrive and board.

Well. I discovered that my strategy with a baby in tow (especially when I'm alone) is going to have to change.

I checked in more than an hour before my flight (I think? I was in line to check my baggage for a LONG time). And then I went through security . . . which took FOR.EV.ER. They made me take the baby out of the carrier, take my laptop bag out of my carryon, take my laptop out of it's bag, put everything in separate bins that they were running out of . . . then I had to put it all back together on the other side. And I wasn't even rushing! I had NO CLUE that the time was running down.

I think I was just so concerned with the baby and being alone that I just . . . wasn't even thinking it was that close!

But I got through security, looked at the board to find my gate number, and the flight was already closed. WHAT THE HELL? So I ran there, and started pleading with the attendant.

"The plane is there, I can see it!"
"Sorry miss we already closed the doors."
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
Then the pilot arrives, and looks at me sweating my balls off and clinging to my baby . . .
"Please!" I say, "please, I just got here and I ran straight from security, I didn't even stop to go the bathroom! And my carseat is on that plane!" Waaaaaaaaaaaa
"Can you let this lady on?" he asks the attendant.
"We closed the doors, sir."
"Well, are you going to open them to let me on? Yeah? Well let's get this girl on, too."
"I could kiss you!" I tell him.
"Don't worry," he says with a wink, "I'll get you on this plane. I won't leave without you."
Phew.
And then he emerges a minute later.
"ummm, I didn't realize this, all the seats are full."
"You sold my seat?"
At this point I'm totally deflated, thank the pilot sincerely for his efforts, and make my way slowly over to customer service. They give me a ticket for an 8:30 flight (my original flight was at 1:30).

I sigh and hunker down--ie, walk the baby to sleep in the ergo, have a glass of wine, make friends with EVERYONE in the airport--bartender lady who looks like my cousin Nikki (but is Colombian, not Italian), magazine stand lady, shoe shine guy, costumer service guy, custodian . . . various other passengers. James charmes and wows even through extreme tiredness--that half-hour nap while I drank my wine is the last sleep I will get out of him until 11pm . . . but I try. I probably literally paced the area around my luggage for three hours straight.

So 8:30 eventually arrives, and they invite those with small kids to board first. And now, I find out for the first time that my ticket? Is actually a stand-by ticket. I am not guaranteed to get on the plane. So then I really flip out--poor customer service guy feels awful because there's nothing he can really do.

At this point I realize I am not alone. I'm not the only one who missed this flight, not the only one on standby. I'm joined by a Mom/Aunt/Grandma? with two young littles, and an entire other family . . . about 10 of us missed the original flight, and apparently they sold ALL of our tickets . . . um. Something is wrong here. JFK needs a kids/family line.

Anyway, me and the Mom/Aunt with the two littles manage to get on. THANK GOD. The flight is fairly awful, but at this point, I'm just grateful to be there. james hadn't slept, as I mentioned, and was practically hysterically beside himself with exhaustion. I really needed to walk him but they kept the seat-belt sign on the ENTIRE time, even though it was like 5-10 mins of smooth sailing, 1 min of shakiness . . . so he fussed and fussed and FINALLY nursed to sleep in the ergo.

So, we arrive, pick up our luggage, I get my rental car, and here I am, at 12 midnight. james plays happily, standing in the back of the car while I SWEAT BULLETS in the steamy Florida weather--can't believe it feels this much like a jungle at midnight, and attempt to install the carseat. GOD IT TAKES FOREVER!

But we're in, we're on our way--I get to my hotel. james is asleep in the car now, and I have been told by the hotel guy that my key will be in an envelope with my name on it in a black mailbox. And sure, I'm exhausted beyond belief, but I'm not seeing any black anywhere around?

So I'm wandering around looking confused at 1 am, and I catch the attentions of slightly-drunk guy.
"Well HELLO, you look like you need some help!"
"Do you work here?"
"Hahahah, No."
I appraise slightly drunk guy, who looks like he is half-hobbit, and decide he is no threat to me.
"I'm looking for this mailbox . . . "
He ends up finding the mailbox for me, which is not at all black or looking like a normal mailbox . . . ?
"Wow thank you so much!"
"Sooooo, what brings you to Jacksonville?" he asks, as I walk the few steps back to my car.
"Well, I'm visiting my cousin."
"Oh, why are you visiting?"
"Well, he had a baby a few months ago, and so did I!" I point to james sleeping in his carseat.
"Oh!" I have surprised the drunk hobbit, but he rallies.
"Well," he holds out his hand and I go to shake it, but he turns it around, "but, there's no ring here!"
"That's because it's here," I say, and show him my left hand. At this point I'm . . . LOL . . . it's just funny, and I'm smiling . . .
I have to give the hobbit a nod for persistence though, because he still gives me his room number and tells me if I need ANYTHING, to come find him. Okay dude, LOL.

So then I finally get in my room, and take the bed apart while holding the critically overtired and screaming baby, mattress on the floor, because I'm too tired, and I don't trust myself to keep a grip on the little man for the entire night . . . boxspring leaning up against the wall, bedframe in the bathroom.

And finally we sleep. Phew.

Note to self. Arrive early to airport in the future. Keep track of time/flight while going through security.

Photo Friday: Meeting Parker!

2011-08-12T10:26:00.000-04:00

So I'm on vacation solo with james--more on that later . . .

But yesterday we went to see my cousin and meet his new baby (well, 4 months new, hehe)! I have literally been waiting to take these pictures since I planned this trip! :D

Here is the first moments of meeting . . . my cousin Dave is holding James and his girlfriend Tracy is holding Parker!

Note that james has the shovel in the above picture . . . And then Parker steals the shovel . . .

And then james steals it back . . . hehe

Parker with his Momma!

Dave and Tracy have a beautiful pool, so we got to go swimming! Here is Parker eating his Daddy's ear, haha!

Two babies in the pool!

Three Musketeers, as my sister put it, hehe:

I love this goofy Parker face!

Awww, playing together! I <3 this!

The cousins!

Being a Blogger

2011-08-11T09:07:00.007-04:00

As the word "Blogosphere" has found it's word into our vocabulary, those of us who live here have come to understand the world of instant dialogue, of being held accountable for what you say, of public scrutiny . . . we bloggers put ourselves in the fishbowl, inviting others to look into our little worlds, and inevitably form opinions . . .

People have taken different approaches. Many friends now have private blogs, or review comments before publishing them . . . I do not. Just as I breastfeed without a cover, I blog without a cover, too. I believe in the power of words--that they show truth, in more than what is written, but in what isn't written, what isn't said; and in more: why they are written, the story behind the sentence, the emotion behind the judgement. It's all there for the perceptive reader.

It is important to me that I can stand to face the aftermath, that I am accountable for what I say and that I can defend it with logic and reason in the face of scrutiny. (And honestly I feel slightly bad for those who have been unlucky enough to raise my ire, hahaha.)

Anyway, my previous post about balance reminded me of my favorite poem. Sad I am that I must present it here without it's actual formatting, because that is one of my favorite things about it.

Lawrence Ferlinghetti, on the balancing act of the writer . . .

Constantly risking absurdity
and death
whenever he performs
above the heads
of his audience
the poet like an acrobat
climbs on rime
to a high wire of his own making
and balancing on eyebeams
above a sea of faces
paces his way
to the other side of the day
performing entrachats
and sleight-of-foot tricks
and other high theatrics
and all without mistaking
any thing
for what it may not be
For he's the super realist
who must perforce perceive
taut truth
before the taking of each stance or step
in his supposed advance
toward that still higher perch
where Beauty stands and waits
with gravity
to start her death-defying leap
And he
a little charleychaplin man
who may or may not catch
her fair eternal form
spreadeagled in the empty air
of existence

Wordless Wednesday

2011-08-10T09:50:00.004-04:00