Postpartum Depression (For Me)

So here's a run-down. I feel like this is all so obvious but maybe not.

Post-partum depression . . . an interesting animal. It sneaks up on you unexpectedly. Later than you think, usually.

I didn't get the baby blues, I had an awesome immediate post-partum experience. My hubby was home for a whole month, my baby was easy, my birth was great, breastfeeding . . . . honestly was painful for a long time but since everything else was so good it was not an issue to get through that first painful month (which in retrospect was a combination of oversupply, minor tongue tie, and lip tie, all unidentified until much later).

And yet I didn't love my baby. I mean I did in one way. Of course I loved him very much. But my heart was like a vice. I admired his cuteness, felt peaceful and loving when breastfeeding . . . but when I looked at him my heart did not move. Do you know when you look at someone you love, esp after a long time? Your heart swoops out before you to meet them, and then holding them, or seeing them, or being with them, is like reembracing your own heart again . . . ? Your heart moves when you love people--swoops, plunges, chokes you sometimes . . .

My heart just did not move for him and intellectually I know I loved him and I felt it on some level but . . . my heart was a vice. I protected myself seriously and, to some extent, consciously, against connecting with him until he was over the worst time period for SIDS . . . I was afraid, after taking 3 years to conceive him, having multiple miscarriages . . . I just didn't want to love him too much until I was sure this was really it for us . . . Really, now in retrospect, without emotion but with logic, SIDS is SO rare and usually affected by so many risk factors that we don't have . . . but that was my fear at the time and I owned it shamelessly.

So this started to lift around 5 months . . . and still I was okay, honestly, just, hard in my heart, but softening.

But then teething started at 6 months. Crawling started at 7.5 months. And it was almost like I went from being afraid I would lose him to suddenly losing myself. Losing my life.

I like writing. (Blogs, Message Boards, Facebook, etc). It helps me. But I couldn't do it with him crawling. I had to watch him at every second. I had to spend every moment trying to transform my world into a baby-safe place, so that I COULD have more than a second alone or to eat, or to shower, or . . .

And writing isn't the only thing I like to do--but suddenly it's like the hard-won independence of adulthood--which I had so longed for and wished for as a child--the ability to control my own life--which I ran at, like a horse out of the gate, as a teenager . . . this independence was suddenly, once again, gone. No one explained to me that 18 until when you have kids is the only time that you are actually independent and making decisions for your own best interests (and when your kids are grown, I suppose).

I didn't realize I was in like this "special freedom zone" but now in retrospect, other parents did attempt to tell me with things like: "Wait until they are crawling" "It all changes after you have kids" "Enjoy your sleep now", etc. You just don't realize that all of these things will get into your PSYCHOLOGY. That you will feel GUILT about the resentment of your lost freedom, you will feel CONFLICTED about your child, to feel such strong love for one who simultaneously demands SO much ALL THE TIME. It's emotionally and psychologically extremely challenging. I don't know if it's not something you can explain to someone, or if people just haven't done it well enough . . .

Anyway, things started to go downhill for me around 7.5-8 months, though honestly my whole "detached-out-of-fear" thing probably didn't set me up really nicely there, either . . . and the very worst was from like 7.5-11.5 months--for him, and honestly so much of it was related to teething. He became such a different child when his first 7 were in and we had a long break there for awhile. For me the stress continued through a haze of 1st birthday party (Nov 19th), Thanksgiving and related travel (20th-26th), and Christmas, and cleaning up from Christmas.

But in spite of this, I had really started to enjoy this independent, communicative toddler, down to nursing 6ish times a day . . . I LOVED not having to constantly manage meds and homeopathic teething solutions . . . I LOVED having a predictable 2-nap day and a baby who was easy peasy to put to sleep! I LOVED IT.

And stupidly I thought it was all related to him getting older. NOPE. TURNS OUT IT WAS ALL RELATED TO A BREAK FROM F'ING TEETHING. Now his molars are coming in and I feel like I've been dropped right back into hell. I'm such a freaking "put the bad stuff out of my mind" sort of person that I forget within a week how awful it was with him teething. But now it's back and . . . I don't know, I'd just started feeling normal and like I was feeling better. Now the idea of having to deal with this teething/clingyness/constant nursing/refusing to eat/refusing to nap/needing to constantly medicate/etc sort of baby for possibly another YEAR??! It's honestly panic-inducing.

I think I might need to step up my pharmacology. Taking adderall every day DOES help me manage my life. But I think it's . . . missing the major issue at this point.

And like I have the F'ing energy to sort through like 15 crappy psychiatrists to find one who will actually listen to and respect me and the fact that my system is SUPER sensitive and I will want to try a VERY VERY low dose, and communicate in more detail about what my options are and what diagnos(es?) I fit, etc . . . like I really have the energy to do that.

James the Hubby is home with me today because . . . I needed a mental health sick day from being a Mommy.

What Has She Won, Folks?

There are many possible symptoms of postpartum depression, including the following:

Inability to sleep or sleeping a lot.
Change in appetite.
Extreme concern and worry about the baby or a lack of interest or feelings for the baby.
Feeling unable to love the baby or your family.
Anger toward the baby, your partner, or other family members.
Anxiety or panic attacks.
Fear of harming your baby. These thoughts may be obsessive, and you may be afraid to be left alone in the house with your baby.
Irritability.
Sadness or excessive crying.
Difficulty concentrating or remembering.
Feelings of doubt, guilt, helplessness, hopelessness, or restlessness.
Lethargy or extreme fatigue.
Loss of interest in hobbies or other usual activities.
Mood swings marked by exaggerated highs and lows.
Feeling emotionally numb.
Numbness or tingling in your arms or legs.
Hyperventilating.
Frequent calls to the pediatrician with an inability to be reassured.
Recurrent thoughts of death, which may include thinking about or even planning suicide.
Obsessive-compulsive features, including intrusive, repetitive thoughts and anxiety

*http://www.webmd.com/depression/postpartum-depression/understanding-postpartum-depression-symptoms*

Wordless Wednesday: Mom/Baby Friends?!

First Dairy

So we're vegan . . . and James David has been pretty much vegan for his life, too . . .
Except for 1.5 times when he ate cat food . . . at least one time definitely in the mouth (swallowing uncertain), another time or two where he MIGHT have eaten some but I'm not sure . . .

And of course, he nurses. Breast milk is an "animal product", but he is the one it is meant for! Personally I think cow's milk is great! For baby cows! And human milk is great, too! For baby humans!

Anyway, so he's never had cow's milk (or any non-Mom dairy). Well, he HAD never had any non-Mom dairy! But . . .

Me and Mariclare went to our 10-year high school reunion last week, and me and LJ slept over at my parents' house. It was . . . interesting to say the least! Of course the only people who showed were people who were relatively happy and secure with their current situation. All the haters stayed home, so we had a good ole time!

Such a good ole time that when some unknown and loving family member (ie, Kate), pulled the "awake and seeking attention baby" out of my sleepy arms at 6:30am, I felt nothing but gratitude and immediately zonked out.

So I woke up a few hours later feeling SO happy for the extra sleep, scooped up my cute baby, and my sister comes up like:

"Okay, don't freak out."
I look at the baby, he seems fine. "Okay? What?"
"Dad fed him Greek Yogurt this morning."
"What?"
"Yeahhhhh..."

And I did not freak out. I honestly was still in the mentality of "THANK YOU MYSTERY FAMILY MEMBER WHO RESCUED ME FROM MOTHERHOOD AT 6AM!!" So much so that I was like: "Oh well, at least I got to sleep in". LOL

Though for the record, my Dad did not do this on purpose. Though he is very smart about some things . . . he just did NOT realize. Basically I had brought these leftovers in a yogurt container. My Mom saw this, and told my Dad there was yogurt in there for him. So my Dad went to look for it, saw the leftovers, and then the only other yogurt in the fridge was the Greek Yogurt and he was basically like: "Okay here we go, yogurt".

It's pretty funny though, my Dad was saying that even though James was eating it . . . "it was like he knew he wasn't supposed to be." Hahaha, like he wasn't eating very much of it--and was sort of eating hesitantly? and let me tell you, he can PUT AWAY FOOD normally, so it's funny.

Though I was telling my Dad it probably had less to do with being DAIRY than being an unfamiliar food. He is a well-attached baby and definitely looks to me or his Dad when encountering an unfamiliar food, animal, person, etc. He looks at our reaction to see how he should react. I watch him do this.

So, though he KNOWS my Dad and sister, he doesn't trust them in the same way, so when they were offering him an unfamiliar (TOTALLY UNFAMILIAR) food, he just wasn't quite trusting them that he was supposed to eat it. It's just funny that he was right!

Anyway, the thing I was most concerned about is some kind of allergic reaction (immediately) which didn't happen, and then stomach upset (in the hours after) which also didn't happen. So it ended up being a non-event . . .

But there is the story of first (and perhaps only? Probably not I guess!) dairy!