Might As Well Talk about Religion Too...for Thanksgiving!

We are quasi religious I guess.

Our family does believe in God. I was raised Catholic, James was "raised" Protestant. We have both always been deeply spiritual but never quite connected with our religions. We have studied a lot and taken a lot of lessons from Buddism, Taoism, Judiasm, and Christianity, as well.

However nothing felt right. I do not like the concept of religion because of a Buddist lesson/saying--"the moon that can be named is not the true moon". Or in Catholic terms--man cannot explain God, ever changing, ever reactive, unknowable, unfathomable. I have only (and just a small one, at that) a personal sense for what God is which I could never force upon someone else. A force, the goodness, an entity (and of what form)? I know none of these.

My opinions of the Bible, Torah, Quran, etc, is that they contain some of the true "qi", the original energy from the Teachers--Jesus, Buddah, Moses, Muhammed, Da Mo, Gwan Yin, Lao Tzu, etc . . . but it can be very difficult to access, learn from, use effectively . . . furthermore, the true teachings are watered down, filtered through a screen of time, power, priorities, of language, mistranslation, editing . . . hence the difficulty in learning--the ease in twisting messages so that people can claim to kill for God or war for Peace. Soooo, I believe you should only take positive messages from things written by humans. Jesus taught us that humans erred. The Bible, Torah, and Quran are as flawed as their writers/recorders, unfortunately--humans, many of them politically motivated, who lived long ago and not only in one period of time but continually changing, editing, twisting, translating. Therefore, any negative messages that get twisted into these texts should be ignored. Like those that make terrorists think God is on their side, or those who inspire our young homosexual boys and girls to commit suicide because they think God/the religious masses hates them.

However, there are also excellent messages in these texts. Like that forgiveness is a way to heaven/enlightenment. Or that honoring your mother and father is a requirement. Or that all people deserve freedom and the opportunity to work and live.

James and I are very lucky to have found a way to learn from these excellent messages, as well, through Yan Xin Qigong. James started practicing in 1998, when he was a freshman in college. I started in 2003, when I was a sophomore.

It is not a religion, but I would consider my Teacher, Dr. Yan Xin, to be a true Teacher or more traditionally called "Master". I don't believe Jesus was the "son of God" in a more specific way than Buddah, Moses, Muhammed, Da Mo, Gwan Yin, or Lao Tzu. I believe that people who attain far along the path of enlightenment become closer to God in, through, and by way of the process/journey. I believe all of these Teachers went far along the path of enlightenment, and that many fully achieved it. As far as my OWN teacher? Well, who am I to judge my own Teacher other than to say he is my true Master. Through his teaching I am able to learn from all the Masters, all the Teachers . . . It is a Thanksgiving Topic for sure.

On this Thanksgiving in particular I wanted to be Thankful for the blessings Yan Xin Qigong has brought to my life. For my family, my husband, my baby, my life . . . I do have so much to be Thankful for.

I (heart) you, Blog!

Well in my usual late-ish fashion, I realized yesterday that the previous day was the one year anniversary of me beginning this blog (for all intents and purposes), wrote this about that, and then forgot to publish yesterday, making this two days "late", oh well close enough.

Anyway, I started this blog in 2008 with the intent to blog about my pregnancy. I thought that happened for a couple of entries in 2009, but alas, it didn't really happen until Feb of 2010. And it was April before I felt secure enough in my little guy to begin the pregnancy blog that I had dreamt of starting way back then.

Here's my entry about finally being pregnant, a year and a day ago today.

It's strange to think about the blog being a year old. I can't believe what it has turned into in that time--what I've turned into?

Recently I mentioned it to a few people. An old college friend, Sean; he has a website, too, Kemba Facts (UConn is our Alma Mater). And my mother-in-law, who'd known about it but she is forgetful (another relative with probable ADHD, LOL), so I reminded her . . .

Anyway, both times when I mentioned it, I felt something. It made me smile while I was talking about it. Pride. I am proud of this blog. I know I'm no literary genius, but I post nearly every day. And when I think about the fact that I only started it a year ago, and didn't start posting pictures regularly for months, and now I have pages and over the last year, have cataloged so much about my pregnancy, about James, our life, and maybe even some helpful information about breastfeeding and birth and pregnancy . . . it does make me proud!

I'm trying to think about myself differently--as a writer. As I've talked about before, I've always been but have trouble thinking of myself as. But I mean, I COULD write something and submit it to Mothering Magazine or another magazine or website or something. Over the last year I've written about 300 entries. Sure, most of these wouldn't be of any interest to the general public, but maybe 10 of them are? Or even 3 . . . still, I have a base of writing to pull from if I ever wanted to do more with it. So why AREN'T I a writer? I've only been at this for a year, this is good progress to me so far, so even if I haven't gotten very far yet, if I am able to continue progressing at the same rate, I have a good shot at . . . well whatever I decide to try to do, right?

And for that reason, I love you, blog. I love being able to record James' life, and to get my crazy thoughts and feelings out--it's very cathartic.

Thanks Mariclare!

Mariclare gave me the most amazing present tonight! She painted this picture from a photograph she took at our intimate pregnancy photo session, that I'd shared a few pictures of before . . .



It is just so beautiful, I'm so grateful to have my pregnant self immortalized this way. I'm so lucky (and James David is so lucky) to have so many amazing and talented people around us . . . like Mariclare. We love you, MC, you are the best friend a girl could ever ask for. :D

One Week Baby Gratitude

My beautiful son is one week old today. A week ago at this time I was already holding him in my arms--he might have even been getting passed around to my various family members by now.

It is sort of insane that I have a son--a baby.

On the one hand, James and I love him so unconditionally--we are (obviously) obsessed with him. Every face is the cutest face we have ever seen. We just stare at him and ooo and ahh over every little thing he does. We love every little body part and noise and movement. We take a million pictures of him every day. I usually wake up before he does in the morning because I miss him. I stare at him sleeping and I wish that he'll wake up because I want to snuggle him and kiss him and hold him. We just love him so much, and it is crazy how immediately he was the most important person in our world.

And on the other hand I'm still in this weird state of disbelief. It doesn't really seem real yet. Am I really a MOTHER? Is he really MY SON? Is our life REALLY changed forever? It keeps feeling like someday we'll wake up and someone will show up to take him away because it was just a fun experience that we bought and after a week it will be finished and our life will be back to normal. It just isn't real to me yet.

And, if there was another hand, it would be how funny it is that James and I seem to have taken to this very naturally--it's almost part of the reason it feels unreal. All of a sudden, it is totally normal that our life revolves around someone else--that there is a person depending on us. James and I both feel so confident in caring for him--I can usually tell right away if he's hungry or needs to be changed, and James is good at recognizing when he is overstimulated and needs some quiet time, or Mom and Dad time . . . it's like he is so naturally a part of our life and it's so crazy that James and I are the ones that know and love him best, that we are the ultimate authority on this tiny and precious life . . . sometimes he cries when someone else holds him but he stops when I take him. How does he know me? Why does he think I am the best person to take care of him? It's all a strange mystery to me still.

And yet, there have been moments--and these moments give me insight into how insane it must be to be a new parent to a baby who is sick, who has trouble latching, who doesn't sleep or who is colicky--or to be a new parent that is having trouble breastfeeding, family issues, a single parent . . . there are moments where I feel tiredness taking over my brain, my nipples ache, and he starts to fuss in his "I'm hungry" way, and I resent that I'm the only one who can feed him, that I have to deal with the pain, that I have to stay awake. In these moments, I feel crazy as my unconditional love for him wars with the natural urge to be selfish. I can only imagine how it must be in the situations I mentioned above, when the demand on you is so much greater--when the support is so much less--when the baby is so much harder and you have to give so much more and get so much less in return. I can only imagine how depression can creep up with the realization that your life IS changed and this IS the new normal . . . and in SPITE OF an overwhelming and beautiful love for that same baby . . .

I can only feel very grateful, in the wake of the Thanksgiving Holiday, that I was, and continue to be so blessed. James is a ridiculously supportive and amazing husband--staying up with him at night so I can sleep when he needs to--doing the middle of the night diaper changes--feeding and caring for me so I can take care of Little James. And my Baby James is a ridiculously amazing baby--he sleeps so well, during the day and at night--he eats well, latches well, communicates his needs well. He never cries except when he is hungry or wet or tired, and when he is awake he is SO awake and aware and engaged. And my family--they have been so supportive. My Mother, and James' have been cleaning and caring for us almost non-stop, and the rest of our family just loves him so much and have been helping so much. I know that the blessings are way way too many to count. Sometimes it is really too much.