Mom of 2?

I'm almost 6 months along in my pregnancy with little Julien . . . in about 3 more months I will have a tiny baby seemingly dropped into my life (that's what it felt like with Jamey)!

But what's different this time around is having another child here already.  I wasn't nervous when we were thinking of getting pregnant, trying to get pregnant, I wasn't even nervous at the beginning of the pregnancy probably because I was throwing up too much to think about anything else.  But as it gets closer . . .

On the one hand I think it will work out fine!  I have been able to keep Jamey interested in nursing (even though my milk dried up after the first trimester), and hopefully he continues to be interested . . . it would be nice to be able to nurse them both at the same time instead of having to try to entertain Jamey separately while nursing Julien... maybe even a little relaxing to have that quiet time?

But what about the other times?  Jamey is really really good about entertaining himself and playing alone, but when he feels jealous of me or like I am paying too much attention to something else, he can get very upset and clingy  . . . if Julien is an easy baby like he was, he hopefully won't mind being stuck in the swing for frequent naps or be propped up on the couch to observe the world while I do normal stuff with Jamey, but what if he's one of those babies who refuses to be put down, who won't nap easily . . . will I be able to handle it?

Then there's me.  The last person on the list . . . I always think to myself that I'll be able to put my self aside and just spend a few months focused on having two babies . . . but will I really deal with this?  In the past the "plan" to forget about myself has never worked out.  I must be a lot more selfish than my Mom was when we were young, but after a few weeks of putting myself aside I start to long for adult time and conversation, for an online outlet, for intellectual challenge . . . and this longing, if unaddressed, becomes something darker and more harmful--a resentment with guilt attached--a sense of deserving but not deserving . . .

So now with three months left I start to worry.  Will I do it?  Can I handle it?  Well I don't honestly know.

What I do know is that I've figured a lot of things out in the last almost-2 years of being a stay at home Mom.  How important play-dates are.  How important it is to try to get out of the house every day.  How much having a bit of a schedule can help me and Jamey both feel happy and healthy . . . How rejuvenating it can be to chat with another Mom at a playground . . . and I have a great therapist right now who specializes in postpartum depression, I've made great strides in the past 6 months in learning how and when to reach out for support and help when I need it.  I'm not the same person I was when I felt lost and unsure of how to find myself again . . . so I'm hoping it will be okay.

Maybe it will even be good.  And in another part of me I start to long to hold and cuddle my sweet new baby . . . I'm excited as much as nervous and so we march on.

Wordless Wednesday: First Trimester Exhaustion

*Note the smarties bag and wrappers, cell phone, Wii remote...all in a days work

Last Year on this Day...Mother's Day 2010

Last year on Mother's Day, I told my family I was pregnant.

We had the plan to go to my parent's house--my sisters would be there, my two grandmothers would be there, and as it happened, my aunt (who is my godmother), my uncle, and my two cousins were there as well.

We'd gotten cards for each of them. Two "Grandma" cards for my Mom and James' Mom (we'd go to their house later on), and two "Great-Grandma" cards for my two grandmothers. Inside the cards were ultrasounds pictures from 7 and 9 weeks, and "tickets" to the birth and to hear the heartbeat.

So the moment came when everyone was gathered in the living room and they were going to open cards. They opened other cards and then I told them to open ours "all together". My grandma Rosemary realized first, and she just looked at us with tears in her eyes and said: "Really?" And then my grandma Marline started crying and got up to hug us, saying she was so so happy!

And then I looked at my Mom and she didn't know what to think. She was still reading the front of the card and didn't realize. And then some of the "tickets" fell out and she looked at them and finally realized.

"You're pregnant?" she said. And the rest of the room exploded into tears and hugs and my Mom and Dad, shell-shocked, not getting it, hahah. We had to count with my Dad--he was the same age as his father was when he became a grandfather! this comforted him.

My parents both distrusted it, after hearing about the m/c and our infertility struggles . . . I think it took at least a month to kick in--after we showed them the u/s video, and found out it was a boy, then it started to be more real to them . . .

Anyway, my sister Lauren totally lost it then. She turned into a sobbing mess, saying how happy she was for us, and that she had just been wishing so hard for us that we would get pregnant . . .

It was really special.

Later we went to James' Mom's house and I swear she read the following text of the card aloud before she realized I was pregnant:

"Once there was a little boy who had a really special Grandma! (turn page)
(handwritten:) "Here's a picture of your precious grandchild at 7 weeks gestation! And look how big (s)he is at 9 weeks!"

Finally she looked up at us: "Wait a minute! Are you pregnant?" Hahaha, and more hugging and congratulations from my inlaws and my brother and sister in law.

It was so special. And now, this year, I'm a real mother at last.

Wordless Wednesday: Five Months Ago Today . . .

Second Cousin: Almost Done!

So my cousin Dave's girlfriend Tracy is now 38 weeks pregnant! She'll be delivering James' new cousin, Parker David, any time now (or more realistically, in 3 weeks, LOL)!

James was the first great-grandchild on both of my parents' sides of the family, and Parker is number two on my Dad's side--meaning James' first second cousin (on my side). I'm so thrilled and excited! They live in FL so we won't get to visit with them too often, but it will be great when we do get to see them!

I hope she has a fast and easy labor--best wishes Tracy! Can't wait to meet the little guy!

I Feel like a Fatass

I know I'm not really. But I was quite thin before I got pregnant and now I just feel like I have all this extra padding everywhere. None of my pants fit except for a few bigger pairs that I had gotten from my sisters and saved for just this occasion.

Before I got pregnant, I was 131 pounds and a size 6.

By the end of the pregnancy, I was 171 pounds and maternity size medium.

On the day James was born (after the birth), I was 156 pounds.

One week post-partum I was 151 pounds, and snug in a size 13.

One month postpartum I was 155 pounds.

Two months postpartum (most recent weighing) . . . 159 pounds, but size 13 is now a bit big on me, and I'm snug in size 11.

So while my waist/hips appear to be shrinking, I am three pounds heavier than the day he was born, and 8 pounds heavier than one week PP. I don't get it! :-(

I can grab a big roll on my tummy and jiggle it. I look significantly "more pregnant" than I did in the first trimester. 160 pounds, at 5'8", is NOT an unhealthy weight--but I don't feel good about myself. This is the heaviest I have ever been, save the last month of pregnancy.

Everyone (well most people) said that the weight would just fall off after he was born but it just hasn't happened. James thinks if I stopped eating gluten again I would lose more (ahem, anything) and that is probably true, but I'm just not ready to do it.

Furthermore, I'm not even eating THAT much gluten. I realize that it really doesn't make me feel good when I eat bagels, fake meats (almost pure gluten), or other high-gluten foods. I have been eating whole grain breads and crackers (oh yea, and cookies) . . . maybe James is right.

I think part of it is the winter, too. I'm obviously much more active in the summer. Honestly I don't even need to lose it all. 140-145 is a pretty good weight for me. Hopefully I can get to at least 145 by May--though some kind of plan for making that happen seems to be necessary. I'll have to work on that. :-/

Birth is Awesome, People!

Over the weekend, we had a family party for my Aunt's birthday, and I was reminiscing with my cousin, whose girlfriend is pregnant, about James' birth.

While I was talking about it with him I was hit unexpectedly with a sense of nostalgia . . . though the last month of pregnancy is freaking torture, one thing that is fun (admittedly, in a torturous way) is not knowing when you will suddenly go into labor. I can't imagine having a scheduled Cesarean section or induction and having that anticipation taken away. It's like a surprise Christmas Morning that could strike at any time!

Even more, I was nostalgic for the labor and birth. My labor and birth was so fast that I am continually in disbelief that it even happened. But honestly, I miss it--labor and birth is such a special time in a woman's life. It is these fleeting moments that define you as a woman and turn you into a Mother.

There is something so special about working hard and bringing forth life--it is so exciting and thrilling--there is nothing that gives you a bigger adrenaline rush, a bigger oxytocin rush, a bigger endorphin rush--it is the ultimate experience. The contractions come and come and yes, they hurt but as the hormones start to surge, your mind steps out of your body and your body completely takes over.

Birth, more than any other experience, is evidence that we are still primal, human in a way that is deep and connected to the true source of life. In our world of information, we try to intellectualize birth--but in the end, the best training would just teach us to get our of our own way. Our bodies KNOW. They KNOW. And they DO. They DO absolutely perfectly. They grow perfect babies and they birth them with no problem.

There is something so so incredible about being a passenger on the wild ride of your labor and delivery--it's like riding a bucking bronco that has taken possession over your body. You just hold on and yet let go at the same time.

And in the end, your body just pushes out this perfect baby, and you are a mother. It is unbelievable, there is just nothing, nothing in the world like it.

My conclusion after these moments of nostalgia?

I honestly can't WAIT to give birth again.

Thanks Mariclare!

Mariclare gave me the most amazing present tonight! She painted this picture from a photograph she took at our intimate pregnancy photo session, that I'd shared a few pictures of before . . .



It is just so beautiful, I'm so grateful to have my pregnant self immortalized this way. I'm so lucky (and James David is so lucky) to have so many amazing and talented people around us . . . like Mariclare. We love you, MC, you are the best friend a girl could ever ask for. :D

Doubting Thomas'

So it's pretty funny to me how many people have come out of the woodwork since we gave birth who are totally surprised that he was so big and healthy. Apparently, we had plenty of friends and family members who totally doubted that I could grow a healthy baby as a vegan.

I guess I get the impression that they expected him to be really tiny, or sick, or something . . . YES PEOPLE, a vegan diet CAN contain all the nutrients you need to be completely healthy. LOL! You'd think that the fact that James has been vegan for 12 years and I have been vegan for six years would be enough to convince people that you can indeed sustain life on a vegan diet.

Buuut, apparently the true test is growing a baby, and the fact that we had an 8 lb, 7 oz, long, healthy baby means that we've passed. So if you were wondering, it is NOW official, a vegan diet is healthy. Mine and James' stellar bloodwork and slim figures weren't real evidence, but a healthy James David is. ;-)

Another Update

Not in labor.

Goodnight.

Belting my Ribs/Shower-Baths

So I FINALLY think I realized why I have been having such serious back pain. I think my huge uterus/baby is pushing my rib cage apart, and specifically putting pressure on this one spot in my back just because of exactly how James is positioned in there.

The other night I took this belt of James and put it around my ribs and belted it really tight, putting counter-pressure on my rib cage. Of course this was/is uncomfortable in a different way, but it TOTALLY relieved the pressure off of my back. I fell asleep like that, and didn't wake up until 3 am, at which point I thought I should probably take the belt off, but the second I laid back down, my back started hurting again and I regretted it. So I've been wearing the belt around my rib cage here and there throughout the day, especially while I'm sitting or laying down because that seems to be the worst for my back hurting.

And in other news, my new before bed ritual, as I think I've mentioned, is taking a shower-bath. It is so comforting to get in the hot shower and feel my body relax, and then to lay down in the bath and just feel so warm and comfortable. I'm so glad we have the birth tub for me to labor in, because I'm pretty sure I will be in it non-stop, LOL. I think in the last two weeks, I've gone to bed without first taking a shower maybe twice. And I was NOT an every-day showerer before the development of this end-of-pregnancy ritual, let me tell you.

Anyway, I just keep hoping that *this* night will be the last one and soon I will be holding my big beautiful baby on the outside of my body instead of inside and my body will have a break.

40 Weeks

Well, here it is, my due date.

Hopefully these are my last belly pictures until I am in early labor. This may sound like an echo from last week and you'd be right, LOL.

Soooo Soooore

So my patient period has ended and I am back to feeling miserable. My back and belly are just CONSTANTLY so sore and I just want it to be over.

I have another acupuncture appointment tomorrow. Sigh.

0 is the number of days until I can go into labor and still have my home-birth (36 weeks)
0 is the number of days until I am full term (37 weeks)
1 is the number of days until my meaningless due date (40 weeks)
9 is the number of days until the actual average due date (41 weeks and 1 day)
15 is the absolute maximum number of days that I could be pregnant (42 weeks)

Intimate Pregnancy Photo Session

So Mariclare came over tonight to take some more "intimate" belly shots. We got some really beautiful ones!! I wouldn't feel comfortable sharing most of them, but here is just a taste of some of them.



I really can't get over how huge my stomach is!! I'm glad we have these to memorialize my crazy distorted body, LOL.

Still Pregnant

I am still pregnant.

Plans for today include putting Moxa on my toe . . . this is a Chinese Medicinal herb practice in which a coal made of Moxa is lit and then the hot coal is put near an acupuncture point (and/or injury) to increase qi-flow to that area.

So there's this one point on the pinky toe of either foot that is connected to stimulating labor. We're doing that now--ie, I am sitting here writing this blog while James is holding the Moxa coal near my toe.

Other plans for the day include finishing raking the leaves in our yard (I'm so glad we are almost done, geez we have a lot of trees!), and then I'm going to mow the lawn on our riding mower (ie, take a long ride down a bumpy road, LOL). It has been broken for months and we just got it back and fixed, so I'll do the final mow of the season, which will also include blowing the final "spread out leaves" into piles so James can haul them into the tiny strip of woods we have that separates our yard from the neighbor's.

So those are all my "trying to get labor started" plans for the day.

And last but not least we'll go to buy a fishnet in case I give birth in the water and we need to skim the birth pool (LOL). We've been meaning to do this for ages but keep forgetting when we are out of the house.

In other news, it's been like 5 days now since I printed out the checklist and hung it on the fridge and it has definitely helped me be more productive--though I think I had a shift in the productive direction to have even typed it up and printed it in the first place, so maybe I was just ready to start being productive again, anyway.

But along with me using the list, I have also been trying to train James to use it--he responds really well to to-do lists but I want to make it more ingrained as a daily-use tool, so that when we are home for a month with a baby it will help him stay more focused and productive while I'm spending the majority of the time feeding the baby. Ideally, instead of me having to tell him what to do, he'll be able to look at the list and see what needs to be done. So I figure the more practice we can get in with it before Little James is born, the better off we'll be!

Finally, I have another "labor induction" acupuncture appointment on Tuesday--if I haven't gone into labor on my own by then. So, hopefully we'll have a baby by Thursday at the latest. Stay tuned!

Renewed Patience and Energy

So after being SO DONE and fed up with being pregnant for the last two weeks, starting yesterday I had a renewed level of patience and energy.

For the last two weeks I have been completely exhausted no matter how much I slept, which was generally for at least 11 hours each night, and I was totally unmotivated to do ANYTHING and was spending 95% of my awake time on my couch, watching TV and being online, and for most of the rest of the time I was in the shower or taking a bath to ease my sore freaking body.

But a couple days ago (I guess, after my acupuncture appointment), I suddenly woke up motivated and energetic. I mean, at least with a normal amount of motivation and energy compared to the absolute slug I had been. After neglecting my to-do list for probably the last month, I electronified it, and printed it out and hung it on my fridge and started to check off some basic things like: "Load the dishwasher" and "clean the kitchen".

Honestly, I haven't been THAT productive yet today but compared to two weeks ago I would practically still be in bed. So the day is still early and I hope to get a few more things done.

Along with this new energy, I also have a new sense of patience about when the baby will arrive. I have been out of my mind with feeling so done and like he just needed to be BORN ALREADY. But now that I realistically have another week at the most that I will be pregnant, it's almost like I have a new-found appreciation for the ability to get a few things done around the house and sleep through the night. I guess with it being this close, I just realize that I could have him any day, and is tomorrow that much worse than today? Most days I think, "No tomorrow would be totally fine--or even the next day . . ."

I mean would it really hurt if I had one more day to potentially even clean my bathrooms before that becomes a way more challenging affair? Or even this weekend--if James and I had one more weekend to rake leaves and get things done before he got here, would that be so bad? No! So suddenly I am patient again, and grateful for it because the impatience was driving me insane.

But hey if I get to my due date on Tuesday, we'll talk again and see where I'm at.

Labor Vibes

So I sent my darling family members a text a few hours ago that said: "I'm feeling kind of weird, just wanted to let you know so you could keep your phones nearby."

Basically, I had my acupuncture yesterday, and this morning and today I have been newly energetic--after having no energy or motivation for several weeks now. Today I made an excel file out of my daily to-do list/checklist (that I had been really into and had blogged about often but which has been neglected now for several weeks). AND I ACTUALLY DID some of the things on the checklist--cleaned up the kitchen, watered the plants, loaded and unloaded the dishwasher, washed dishes, etc.

The other thing I did last night and again this morning was drink "Smooth Move" Tea, because I've been seriously constipated for days. My midwife assured me that this tea was serious business and would cause the desired effect. After last night's cup (and no/little results), I was sure I would wake up this morning itching to go. Annnnnd, not so much. So I had another cup this morning. And still nothing.

Anyway, I started to feel pretty uncomfortable a few hours ago. I had just finished making "Labor Lasagna", a recipe of my own design including eggplant and a lot of spicy peppers (and veggie sauce and veggie "cheese", etc). But I was getting a little worried about even eating it because I felt so internally weird that I wondered if I should even introduce the crazy spicy food into my body! I was almost feeling hot and cold flashes and this restlessness and general weirdness.

At this point I sent the text to my darling family. MOSTLY because my Mother had told me repeatedly to call her if I even felt different at all. So I did, I let her know. So then she immediately called me, and all my sisters texted me back, asking if I was in labor, what was going on, etc.

"No, I'm not in labor! I just feel a little uncomfortable," I said.
"Uncomfortable how?" said my Mom.
"I don't know, just weird--look you asked me to tell you if I felt different at all and I do so I'm telling you!"
"Are you emotional?"
"No!"
"Well look out for that! Oh here Dad wants to talk to you."

"A?" says my Dad, "What's up are you having contractions?"
"Just Braxton Hicks but I've been having those for months."
"But are they coming regularly?"
"No, look I'm not in labor, Mom just said to call if I felt ANYTHING different so I did that."
"Have you been walking?"
"No." (And in this moment I pictured myself waddling through BJ's with my sister yesterday. I can't walk, are you kidding?) "No."
"Walk. That is what is going to get you going. You gotta get out there and walk."
"Okay, I'll keep that in mind." At this point I am getting more and more physically uncomfortable and really don't want to be on the phone. "Okay I'm going to go."

So after these thrilling conversations, I tried the labor lasagna. And it was not actually that spicy, which was good because, as I mentioned, I'd started to get a little worried about how spicy I thought it would be, and if it would even be edible, give me heartburn, or make me have a horrible labor in which I was throwing up spicy food and having spicy diarrhea as I attempted to move a baby through my body.

So I ate some of the lasagna, and started getting another discomfort attack. I visited the bathroom and low and behold, I pooped a little. Not a lot, but some.

Then Amy and Karl showed up and we hung out for awhile--I ate more lasagna, bounced on my birth ball, and when they left I got a serious attack and ran to the bathroom and it happened finally. The smooth move. Not even diarrhea at ALL, just a big ole satisfying poop. God, I was thrilled. I don't know what helped more, the tea or the lasagna! I just hope things keep up this way because I must have days and days of "moves" that need to be "smoothed out" in there.

Anyway, long story short: I do not appear to be in labor, but rather to have endured an internal battle between constipation and "Smooth Move Tea". However, I still think that things do seem to be setting themselves in order somewhere in my mind/body and I would not be at all surprised to go into labor tonight or tomorrow.

Especially since I will be eating "Labor Lasagna" for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

Circumcision

Okay, I'm pretty sure I never wrote about this before. One decision people expecting a boy are faced with is whether or not to circumcise their son. This is a personal decision and honestly one that I don't feel SO strongly about for other people--I could care less what other people do because I really don't think it matters THAT much (in comparison to breastfeeding, for instance, in which I'm a pretty serious "lactavist" and feel pretty strongly that everyone at least should give a try with it because it is SO important).

But, though I could care less what other people decide to do, I decided quite a while ago that sons of ours would not be circumcised. When I brought this up years ago to James, to ask him what he thought, he said:

"Well, I don't know. Aren't kids supposed to look like their fathers?" (James is circumcised).
"Honey, I don't know how many baby penises you've seen, but they don't look like adult penises. Trust me. There is nothing you could do to make them look the same. Adult penises are huge and hairy. Baby penises are tiny and hairless. No child would ever look at their father's penis and think it was nearly the same anyway."
"Hmm, I don't know."
"Well here, let's watch this youtube video of a circumcision being performed to help you decide." (I tried to find an "unbiased" one to post here but didn't feel like spending that much time looking--feel free to shop around for your circumcision video of choice, though, or watch this one with the sound off so you can't hear the commentary (or the baby screaming in the background).)
Anyway, 20 seconds into the video James is like: "Turn it off, I agree, I agree, we won't do it, just turn it off!" (LOL)
"Okay Honey." I said, and we've been in pretty serious agreement about it ever since.

More specifically and personally, I feel like I've spent 9 months growing my son in my uterus. God/The Universe (call it what you will) spent 9 months building his body step by step, following a very specific blueprint. When he is born and put onto my chest and I look down at him, I know he will be the most beautiful and perfect person I have ever seen in my life. Every part of him will be perfect, and I don't feel the need to mess with what God made. Or put him through an unnecessary cosmetic procedure in his first day/week of life.

With this being said, sometimes there are good reasons. If it is part of your religion and you feel strongly about it--or if you feel strongly about it for some other reason . . . I heard one story of a women, and her husband was uncircumcised as a child but had some physical abnormality that made it painful for his foreskin to retract. So he ended up being circumcised as an adult, which was obviously a way bigger deal than as a baby. So if they had a son, they were planning on having him circumcised because they could make the assumption that their sons could have a similar issue. Okay, sounds like a good reason to me.

But personally, "looking like the father", or "because other people are", or something like that, I just don't buy it. You don't keep doing something unnecessarily just because it's been done before. I try to look at each of these parenting decisions outside of the context of "what other people are doing", because I'm not a freaking lemming.

With this being said, since the Academy of Pediatrics changed it's stance on circumcision about 30 years ago to reflect the fact that it is an unnecessary cosmetic procedure with no basis in medicine, the rate of uncircumcised boys has been steadily on the rise. In the U.S. now, about half the boys in our country are uncircumcised--obviously this varies greatly by region. But if you are expecting a son, there is no need to circumcise just because you think he will stand out if you don't. Who knows, where you live, he might stand out if he is.

So that's that. We'll all get to enjoy Little James' foreskin for many years to come. (Hmm, that sounds a little weird but you know what I mean, hehe).

Acupuncture!

So I had my first (and hopefully only) acupuncture appointment today for stimulating me to go into labor. God I think I was in the best mood ever when my friend Craig came in to needle me. He was like:

"So if you are still a week away from your due date, you might end up going a few days early if we do it today. Is that okay?"

"GOD, YES, IT IS AWESOME. DO IT. DO IT NOW." I said. And the look of eye-rolling joy that those caps conveys is a perfect vision of what I looked like in that moment. Picture those horses who look insane and their eyes are rolled back in their head and their mouth is hanging open. That was me.

"It should work pretty well since you are young and healthy and everything," he went on.

(YES AWESOME THANK YOU.) I was as freaking jovial as a kid on Christmas morning, and that is after only like 5 hours of sleep--easily half what I need to feel rested.

So now I'm guessing any time between tonight and Sunday. So probably the 10th-14th. That window is like half as big as my original 9th-18th one!

Anyway, if I'm still pregnant on my due date, I have another appointment then.

39 Weeks!

That's it! One week to go! I'm getting "kick out the baby" acupuncture later today, and again on Monday if I'm still pregnant then. My friend Craig the acupuncturist ensures me that rarely has his patients gone more than a day or two past their due dates, so I'm thinking it's just about one week to go. Maybe I'll even have him tomorrow! :-D

Anyway, hopefully the last belly pics until I am in early labor:





Seven days and counting.