So I guess I got hit with post-partum depression when James started crawling and my life as I knew it truly ended. But it was sort of hard to see what was going on, I suppose. When I went back to my therapist several months ago, I said to myself that it was because I was protecting myself from depression--dealing with the things I was feeling/thinking before it turned into something worse, before it turned into a depression. It was only about a month ago that I realized I was actually, had been for all this time, depressed already! For me I seem to only realize it as I am starting to recover.
Anyway, WHEN I went back to my therapist several months ago, she said: "Women are allowed to be crazy for TWELVE MONTHS after they have a baby. One year for your hormones to be insane and totally out of wack. After that you have to pull yourself together but until then all bets are off." As I seem to do, I sort of dismissed this advice without appreciating it's true significance.
And yet . . . 11.5 months rolls around. My baby starts to nurse a lot less, only ONCE over the whole night sometimes . . . and suddenly, I swear to God, I have emerged into a new world. I can't quite describe what changed or how--I started to look at my baby without any resentment--something I had been doing, I suppose, mostly unconsciously--I started to feel more free . . . nursing is different now, has changed--he's finally to the point with food now where he COULD be okay if I stopped nursing altogether. I don't WANT to do that at ALL but for me it has always made a huge difference when I'm doing something because I WANT to, not because I have to . . .
But really it's hard to say what's changed, what is different. But it really feels like I was stuck in a tall dark maze and have suddenly emerged--into the sun or perhaps clear warm night, starry sky--the air seems to smell more fresh, the world seems more bright. All of a sudden, as if I suddenly passed through a curtain, things are different. I have perspective on my life, my situation, my child, my past . . . I'm starting to heal from things that were hurt, and undone, and left too long, and not left long enough . . .
And it feels really good.
1 comment:
Hi A. It's really great to read this. I am so happy things are looking up, that you are emerging from your fog. I've been observing for a while how you hadn't been yourself, you seemed to resent LJ in some ways, even though he is truly such a positive and well-behaved child. I saw you getting into seemingly pointless arguments with Mom, Dad, Grandma...Really hurting these people, but you were hurting as well. I also thought it seemed to coincide with James crawling...like maybe you didn't really realize that he would just be an adorable newborn sleeping and breastfeeding all the time - that it would be a crap ton of work, and not even fun a lot of the time!
Obviously, I have NO IDEA what it is like to have a child, but it was obvious to me that you have been really down the past few months, that your relationships with many of your loved ones was suffering, that you seemed really burdened, even though when I looked at your life it seemed like what could be wrong? You don't have to work (at a 9-5 job anyway), you have a loving, supportive husband and family, wonderful friends, a beautiful child. The world is your oyster.
I am just happy to read this and know that I wasn't going crazy, that you were going through a difficult time, and that things are getting better now I love you A, thanks for sharing.
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