I'm almost 6 months along in my pregnancy with little Julien . . . in about 3 more months I will have a tiny baby seemingly dropped into my life (that's what it felt like with Jamey)!
But what's different this time around is having another child here already. I wasn't nervous when we were thinking of getting pregnant, trying to get pregnant, I wasn't even nervous at the beginning of the pregnancy probably because I was throwing up too much to think about anything else. But as it gets closer . . .
On the one hand I think it will work out fine! I have been able to keep Jamey interested in nursing (even though my milk dried up after the first trimester), and hopefully he continues to be interested . . . it would be nice to be able to nurse them both at the same time instead of having to try to entertain Jamey separately while nursing Julien... maybe even a little relaxing to have that quiet time?
But what about the other times? Jamey is really really good about entertaining himself and playing alone, but when he feels jealous of me or like I am paying too much attention to something else, he can get very upset and clingy . . . if Julien is an easy baby like he was, he hopefully won't mind being stuck in the swing for frequent naps or be propped up on the couch to observe the world while I do normal stuff with Jamey, but what if he's one of those babies who refuses to be put down, who won't nap easily . . . will I be able to handle it?
Then there's me. The last person on the list . . . I always think to myself that I'll be able to put my self aside and just spend a few months focused on having two babies . . . but will I really deal with this? In the past the "plan" to forget about myself has never worked out. I must be a lot more selfish than my Mom was when we were young, but after a few weeks of putting myself aside I start to long for adult time and conversation, for an online outlet, for intellectual challenge . . . and this longing, if unaddressed, becomes something darker and more harmful--a resentment with guilt attached--a sense of deserving but not deserving . . .
So now with three months left I start to worry. Will I do it? Can I handle it? Well I don't honestly know.
What I do know is that I've figured a lot of things out in the last almost-2 years of being a stay at home Mom. How important play-dates are. How important it is to try to get out of the house every day. How much having a bit of a schedule can help me and Jamey both feel happy and healthy . . . How rejuvenating it can be to chat with another Mom at a playground . . . and I have a great therapist right now who specializes in postpartum depression, I've made great strides in the past 6 months in learning how and when to reach out for support and help when I need it. I'm not the same person I was when I felt lost and unsure of how to find myself again . . . so I'm hoping it will be okay.
Maybe it will even be good. And in another part of me I start to long to hold and cuddle my sweet new baby . . . I'm excited as much as nervous and so we march on.
But what's different this time around is having another child here already. I wasn't nervous when we were thinking of getting pregnant, trying to get pregnant, I wasn't even nervous at the beginning of the pregnancy probably because I was throwing up too much to think about anything else. But as it gets closer . . .
On the one hand I think it will work out fine! I have been able to keep Jamey interested in nursing (even though my milk dried up after the first trimester), and hopefully he continues to be interested . . . it would be nice to be able to nurse them both at the same time instead of having to try to entertain Jamey separately while nursing Julien... maybe even a little relaxing to have that quiet time?
But what about the other times? Jamey is really really good about entertaining himself and playing alone, but when he feels jealous of me or like I am paying too much attention to something else, he can get very upset and clingy . . . if Julien is an easy baby like he was, he hopefully won't mind being stuck in the swing for frequent naps or be propped up on the couch to observe the world while I do normal stuff with Jamey, but what if he's one of those babies who refuses to be put down, who won't nap easily . . . will I be able to handle it?
Then there's me. The last person on the list . . . I always think to myself that I'll be able to put my self aside and just spend a few months focused on having two babies . . . but will I really deal with this? In the past the "plan" to forget about myself has never worked out. I must be a lot more selfish than my Mom was when we were young, but after a few weeks of putting myself aside I start to long for adult time and conversation, for an online outlet, for intellectual challenge . . . and this longing, if unaddressed, becomes something darker and more harmful--a resentment with guilt attached--a sense of deserving but not deserving . . .
So now with three months left I start to worry. Will I do it? Can I handle it? Well I don't honestly know.
What I do know is that I've figured a lot of things out in the last almost-2 years of being a stay at home Mom. How important play-dates are. How important it is to try to get out of the house every day. How much having a bit of a schedule can help me and Jamey both feel happy and healthy . . . How rejuvenating it can be to chat with another Mom at a playground . . . and I have a great therapist right now who specializes in postpartum depression, I've made great strides in the past 6 months in learning how and when to reach out for support and help when I need it. I'm not the same person I was when I felt lost and unsure of how to find myself again . . . so I'm hoping it will be okay.
Maybe it will even be good. And in another part of me I start to long to hold and cuddle my sweet new baby . . . I'm excited as much as nervous and so we march on.
2 comments:
A, I really enjoyed this entry. I think it's wonderful how much you have learned about yourself in the process of being a parent. I guess that sounds pretty trite - LOL. But I think people always think of learning about children, etc, and forget about how much they learn about themselves while raising a child.
For a long time, I felt that you put yourself aside too much with little James. I could see how much you missed having your "own" life and how it caused you stress, anxiety, guilt...all of the things you mention. I always thought this, but I am glad to see I wasn't imagining it. It is so great that you can recognize how important "you time" is when you have a kid. You deserve your own time! I think it's a positive thing you have learned about yourself because you will be able to incorporate that self-awareness when you have Jude and other children.
I love you A, you are going to be a great mom the second time around, hehe.
I really agree with what Mare said too! It is definitely a selfless person that can devote their entire life to their children. I really praise moms and dads who are able to do that. But at the same time, you are such a valuable person in your own right! Of course raising a child gives you satisfaction and pride, but you need to make sure you are satisfied and proud of the person YOU are, separate from the successes of your children.
I think you are doing such a great job A! It's awesome to hear that you are thinking about and planning time for yourself, and quiet time. And adult time of course! Your life and interests and history are what makes you you! LOVING ON HERRR
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