Expecting our Little Brother in November!

pregnancy calendar

Friday, August 5, 2011

Um, I know that I'm a Know-it-All (Obviously)

The previous commenter struck a nerve and inspired an actual post out of me--well done, Dawnonymous, I've been looking for inspiration . . .

So yes, I am a know-it-all. Always have been. That's not to say I ACTUALLY think I know it all, or that anyone does. Furthermore, there are some things which I am totally ignorant about. Like, sports.

With this said, I love to learn--about some things, but definitely in general. When someone has a tidbit to offer about a topic of interest and it's something I didn't know, my ears perk right up . . . "Wow!" I say, "I didn't know that! How interesting!" And my brain squirrels it away and it stays there forever.

For instance, I most recently had this reaction when, in participating in a breast-feeding forum, someone mentioned that they had low supply with one child and oversupply with another. "VERY INTERESTING", I said, "I didn't know that it could change from baby to baby." So there, I didn't know everything, but now I do! Tada!

Even as a small child, I was fascinated by bits of information--the sky is blue because the angle of the sun refracts the larger spectrum off of the atmosphere, or learning how to write numbers in binary--something I came across, in 6th grade, while reading "The Ebola Virus", asked my math teacher about, and practiced until I mastered it . . .

No, I don't know everything. But I grew up surrounded by peers, who, by-and-large, knew less (about SOME THINGS, obviously). I was smart, I read a LOT, and when motivated, I was capable of learning fairly complex information.

Yet the point of left versus right wasn't something I grasped until my teen years, and I'm still not clear on the exact details? And when we started algebra--I didn't get why we used X--didn't X stand for a number? Why not use the number? That took several years for me to get past, too . . .

They say that someone with a high IQ is as far away from normal as someone with a low IQ. So while 100 is normal, someone with 140 IQ is as incapable of relating to society as someone with a 60 IQ, clinically mildly mentally impaired, someone that (likely) needs assisted living . . . I grew up having very true few peers, and noticed early on that I seemed to know more than other people--probably because I was reading on an 11th grade level in 5th grade.

This was a curse more than a blessing. Huge chunks of my pre-teen vocabulary were beyond the understanding of most of my classmates. I didn't know that they didn't understand me, and they didn't want to look stupid--so they jeered, and made fun, and called me awful names. And so I've always felt like an outsider, trying to figure out how to relate to people. As I got older, some things got easier--a lot more people caught up to me--I'm more sensitive about my audience, I have found many more wonderful friends and peers . . .

But some things aren't easier, don't change . . . some people will never like or understand me, and I have to just be okay with that.

I have witnessed firsthand that my spouting of information (esp in person) is directly related to how nervous I am. Apparently when I'm insecure I like to talk about things I know because my intelligence--no--not even that--information, facts--is something I feel confident in. Who am I without these facts? An awkward, dysfunctional, overly emotional person. Facts ground me.

And let's be real, folks, I have ADHD. It's part of my personality to impulsively speak, without thinking beforehand about what I was saying, or the consequences . . . I lost many friends as I grew up, and that might be one reason I am SO much more comfortable in the written form, because I can double-check and think deeply before hitting "send"/"submit"/or "publish"--I can tell you, I wish there was an edit button on real life.

And, yes, I have no formal training in breastfeeding or natural childbirth other than doing it. But I spend a LOT of time reading and researching. I think I might have done over 500 hours of reading to prepare for my own childbirth, and I've done at least that much on breastfeeding. And I HAVE been studying these things for YEARS. I would say during times I am online, I might easily spend a few hours daily consulting on "Dairy Queens"--Facebook breastfeeding support group--which adds up to 20+ hours a week. And, most recently, due to my participation, and the respect that many of the regular members now have for me, I was made a group administrator. (Proud inside smile feeling).

Honestly, I very much struggle with the fact that I have no official credentials, (thanks for making me feel even worse about that, dear Dawn), especially when I hear stories of people getting AWFUL and/or INSENSITIVE information from lactation consultants and pediatricians. I know that I can't be compared with them, the fact that they have years of schooling/credentials, which begs the question: how the hell aren't THEY better at THEIR jobs? Why does a ped tell a woman with a baby struggling to gain weight that she should night-wean her? How does a lactation consultant miss a tongue tie? Or be insensitive to a post-partum Mom? It makes me wish that I was someone official . . . I could be a good one, I think.

And in fact, I struggle with my self-identity, self-worth, self-efficacy, self-esteem, etc, just in general. Maybe, Dawnonymous, I enjoy the fact that I know a lot about breastfeeding/natural birth, because of the insecurity I feel about other parts of my life/personality/self.

Recently me and my Mom had a blow-out fight (everything is fine, now). Which, honestly, hasn't happened since I was a teenager. And it was for this very reason, she indicated that I was acting like a know it all.

You know what I said to her (many minutes in), in tears, through sobs . . .

"Do you think I like to be this way? Do you think I wouldn't change if I could? Everything you hate about me, I hate about me more. But you know? Other people love me. They say I am great. They accept me for who I am. I might be a know-it-all or talk too much, but everyone knows that. They know I am that way. But they still want to be around me, they still love me . . . so I am learning to love myself, too, even the parts that are flawed, and I wish you would, too."

So there you go, Dawnonymous, right from the horses' mouth--I agree with you. I am a know it all--or at the very least, I know I come off that way. But, get busy living or get busy dying: Accept me and be a reader or reject me and don't.

But I will not pretend to be less than I am. Nor will I pretend to be more than I am. I am a flawed, awful person. But hey, I might have some helpful info about breastfeeding, co-sleeping, or natural birth. The only thing that makes the awfulness bearable is when I hear from people that I helped them in some way.

I just hope that you find a way to be happy. If cutting me down is what does it for you, go for it, but I see you for what you are.

7 comments:

laurengould said...

Wow A, this made me LOL (the previous post comments and this response.)

Last night we were scandalized to read the comments! Lmao! I was like, um, I know I was participating in that blow-out fight but who does this lady think she is?

NOBODY CALLS MY SISTER A KNOW IT ALL EXCEPT ME! (lol lol)

Anyways, I think it's worth noting that you have looked into being a doula/lactation consultant/etc in the future because of your interest and present knowledge in the subject. I think this is such a great idea! I love dat one!

Jimbo said...

Awesome Love.
(Constructive comments next time please, Dawn)

A said...

Karl and I have talked about how you would be an awesome midwife/doula/lactation consultant etc. MANY times. You're obviously passionate about it and have a lot of knowledge on the subject. I know if (when?) I ever get pregnant I will be asking you TONS of questions! You being my friend and having had a baby already are all the credentials I need.

Bad words always hit us harder and stick with us longer than good ones. But you really do have a mountain of good that overshadows any bad. Love you!

Liz said...

Adrienne--I always knew I liked you. It sounds like we had similar childhoods. Getting called "Whizzy Lizzy" (because you're such a whiz at everything) impacts a person.

I, for one, am grateful for the knowledge you have to share about NCB and breastfeeding. I've never felt like you were bragging or anything about your knowledge, but then, it's a subject I'm always trying to learn more about too. Your posts on DQ have been invaluable!

And I want to thank you for being supportive of me when I thought breastfeeding was falling apart. I don't know if I can ever convey how much that meant to me. DH gives me a hard time about spending so much time on the boards, but it's because of people like you. :)

Anonymous said...

Adrienne, I wasn't trying to "cut you down" I was making a point. That is all and I am VERY sorry that I hurt you. That was not my intention.

I honestly am a know it all as well so I can totally relate to you in that area. It's just that sometimes your "know it all" personality comes off as very high and mighty, and judge-y.Which is why I pointed it out.

You seem to have a deep love for these type of things and I think you would make a wonderful LC or Midwife. Maybe one day you could actually get some formal training and do one or the other as a career.

Again. I apologize for hurting your feelings. I don't get pleasure from hurting others and never have. It was not my intention to hurt you.

Morgan said...

Adrienne- I just wanted to tell you that I so respect your expertise on breastfeeding, and before that childbirth. Even back on WTT, you were the person that inspired me to become more educated on these topics and I was so much more prepared to become a mother. A lot of peds really don't know all that much. At our follow up appointment, Maxy was a bit jaundiced. He also was waking every 1-2 hours to eat at night. Our ped literally said, "Breastfeeding more often will help with jaundice." then a few minutes later in the convo, "You only should feed him every 3 hours at night." Um, thanks ped. lol. But anyway, I just wanted to tell you that I appreciate your knowitall-ness. haha

Megan said...

Coming from another know-it-all, who has always struggled with being socially awkward, I applaud you for putting it all out there like that. =)

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...