If you haven't heard about my new blog series "Old School Sunday", read the back story!
And if you want, catch up on what you missed (read from the bottom up!)
In the spring semester of my sophomore year--we are about to invade Iraq . . .
12th February 2003
10:42pm
So I am a supervisor in the dining hall. Some of the supervisors think that being a supervisor means they make everyone else work while they do nothing. Other supervisors think that it means that they should work extra extra hard. I just like to watch out for everyone's well-being. I don't like to see my employees upset, sad, sick, lonely, bored . . . I try to keep everyone upbeat and happy. Today, one of my students was out. I thought he was sick. He isn't sick. He has been called into active duty. When I was told this, in the office at South Dining Hall, I almost burst into tears. However, I managed to hold the tears down until I got out of the office. Then they flowed like a swelled river. I don't know this boy particularly well. I'm just his boss. But I try to look after him. But I can't look after him now. He isn't at school. He isn't at work. He isn't on campus. He's probably on a bus--or being trained to fight a war. He's a kid--I'M HIS BOSS AND HE IS FIGHTING A WAR. I cried and cried and cried. This is so wrong. This is so wrong that this boy is not in school and not at work. I hate the world.
And now in which I attack my father's political views with histrionics . . .
13th February 2003
11:24am
Current Mood: nauseated
AdriN2001 (11:08:18 AM): Dad
AdriN2001 (11:08:57 AM): This kid at the dining hall--Cory--I'm his boss,
AdriN2001 (11:09:17 AM): and he wasn't at work yesterday and I thought he was sick but he GOT SHIPPED OUT
AdriN2001 (11:09:20 AM): DAD
AdriN2001 (11:09:45 AM): THIS BOY is fighting a meaningless war when he should be at school and at work
AdriN2001 (11:10:08 AM): I'M HIS BOSS DAD and he's fighting a war
AdriN2001 (11:10:24 AM): Can you have mom call me tonight? I'm extremely upset
AdriN2001 (11:10:37 AM): I might never see him again
AdriN2001 (11:10:43 AM): Just like that
AdriN2001 (11:10:47 AM): I didn't say goodbye
CT Golden1 (11:11:46 AM): sorry to hear that A...calm downh
AdriN2001 (11:13:08 AM): I just can't believe it
AdriN2001 (11:13:16 AM): I kept trying to deny that this was real
AdriN2001 (11:13:24 AM): But people are leaving who might never come back
AdriN2001 (11:13:46 AM): I don't know how people can be supporting this war when their CHILDREN ARE LEAVING
AdriN2001 (11:14:36 AM): How many deaths is it going to take until everyone starts realizing this war is STUPID AND POINTLESS AND NOT WORTH IT
AdriN2001 (11:14:46 AM): How many people died in Vietnam?
AdriN2001 (11:14:53 AM): Is it going to be that many again?
AdriN2001 (11:15:09 AM): Is Dave and Joshy going to be drafted?
AdriN2001 (11:15:11 AM): Are you?
AdriN2001 (11:17:23 AM): Are you Daddy . . . PLEASE STOP THIS
AdriN2001 (11:17:35 AM): PLEASE STOP IT I HATE IT I HATE IT
AdriN2001 (11:17:54 AM): We teach our children to talk it out and yet we support this
AdriN2001 (11:18:15 AM): We are better than this and smarter
AdriN2001 (11:18:24 AM): You should be smarter than to think this is right
AdriN2001 (11:18:32 AM): It's wronger than anything
AdriN2001 (11:19:20 AM): It makes us Saddam.
AdriN2001 (11:19:34 AM): We become him in our quest against fear
AdriN2001 (11:21:12 AM): Because 911 happened and something had to give. Because people started to question whether Bush had a "legitimate claim" to the throne of our nation and a distraction was needed and oil was needed and 911 happened and so we became as bad as Saddam
AdriN2001 (11:21:22 AM): Worse because we should have learned the first time
AdriN2001 (11:21:49 AM): And it's ABSOLUTELY WRONG AND HORRIBLE AND PEOPLE ARE GOING TO DIE FOR THAT
AdriN2001 (11:21:54 AM): They already are
CT Golden1 signed off at 11:22:16 AM.
Expecting our Little Brother in November!
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Realities of Motherhood
Yes I breastfeed and cloth diaper and I'm super into the environment and babies. With this said, being a Mom is more than a job. You're on call 24/7 and that means it's not your job, it's your life. And people who work hard might almost be able to be perfect at their job. But you can never be perfect at life. When it's 24/7 you HAVE to mess up. On mistake and on purpose. We all have, and need, our vices, whether they are TV or wine or spilling our soul on the internet--or even more frequently, as in my case, all of these and more.
I think because I have this blog, had a home birth, am really into breastfeeding, etc, people think of me (sometimes) as some kind of "Mother Earth" (a friend recently actually called me this in person) . . . but let's get serious here. I think the vast majority of differences between people, parents, mothers, is superficial. Show me an "attachment parent" who has NEVER had to leave the baby to cry while he/she took a minute, took a walk, deep breaths . . . Meanwhile, show me the average CIO parent and I think you'll see someone who loves to hold their baby, would NOT leave a baby to cry hysterically without consolation, but has realized that their baby falls asleep faster if left alone to fuss for a minute. I think most of us are somewhere in the middle--I could be described as EITHER of the above parents. So it's all just labels to me, little degrees of differences.
I am FAR FAR FAR from perfect. Like all of us I don't advertise my flaws. Though if you think my obsession with organizing, cleaning, and list-making is out of no where you would be mistaken--it's true I am very messy. But I can pull my life together when I have guests so it's fine, haha. But that's the least of them.
The truth is that we HAVE to give ourselves a break. Otherwise the Mommy guilt will drive us crazy!
I'm giving myself a break right now in fact. James just came and asked me to take the baby so he could take a shower, and I was basically like HELL NO. I was really tired and fell asleep nursing him last night, so I feel like I haven't had a minute of "me" time since . . . like Wednesday.
I've been out to eat with friends and with James a few times lately but since it's ALSO with the baby, I feel like I never relax during the meal between having to wrestle him into a high chair, bringing all his utensils and bib, keeping him from grabbing everything, finding foods he can eat so he doesn't go insane, monitoring him during the meal to make sure he doesn't choke, retrieving the utensils repeatedly from the floor, having also to nurse him at least once during the meal, having to wipe his hands, arms, face, head, and probably change his clothes after, having also to wipe the table because the poor waitress didn't sign up for that, and then having to pack up baby and gear . . .
Damn, I'm lucky if I eat 5 bites and have one meaningful interaction with another adult during the whole meal!
I'm just going to come out and say it: "Hell yes I sometimes resent my baby for sucking huge amounts of my time, resources, and energy." But, geez, I hope I am normal. I always love james and usually I have a lot of fun with him, but damn being a Mom is a lot of work and it never ends and it is hard, not only physically but mentally, emotionally, psychologically. You are doing the best job you can, coming to grips with your own limits, and having to accept that you will NOT do a perfect job raising this child--all simultaneously.
It helps when you look at them and they are still perfect anyway despite all the mistakes you are going over in your head. It's the amazing thing about kids--they forgive, forget, and grow strong and healthy even if their Mom takes a Saturday morning to shut herself in the library . . .
Dammit except for the fullness of my breasts . . .
"Hey James," I yell down, "maybe you should just give him a bottle . . . " ;-)
I think because I have this blog, had a home birth, am really into breastfeeding, etc, people think of me (sometimes) as some kind of "Mother Earth" (a friend recently actually called me this in person) . . . but let's get serious here. I think the vast majority of differences between people, parents, mothers, is superficial. Show me an "attachment parent" who has NEVER had to leave the baby to cry while he/she took a minute, took a walk, deep breaths . . . Meanwhile, show me the average CIO parent and I think you'll see someone who loves to hold their baby, would NOT leave a baby to cry hysterically without consolation, but has realized that their baby falls asleep faster if left alone to fuss for a minute. I think most of us are somewhere in the middle--I could be described as EITHER of the above parents. So it's all just labels to me, little degrees of differences.
I am FAR FAR FAR from perfect. Like all of us I don't advertise my flaws. Though if you think my obsession with organizing, cleaning, and list-making is out of no where you would be mistaken--it's true I am very messy. But I can pull my life together when I have guests so it's fine, haha. But that's the least of them.
The truth is that we HAVE to give ourselves a break. Otherwise the Mommy guilt will drive us crazy!
I'm giving myself a break right now in fact. James just came and asked me to take the baby so he could take a shower, and I was basically like HELL NO. I was really tired and fell asleep nursing him last night, so I feel like I haven't had a minute of "me" time since . . . like Wednesday.
I've been out to eat with friends and with James a few times lately but since it's ALSO with the baby, I feel like I never relax during the meal between having to wrestle him into a high chair, bringing all his utensils and bib, keeping him from grabbing everything, finding foods he can eat so he doesn't go insane, monitoring him during the meal to make sure he doesn't choke, retrieving the utensils repeatedly from the floor, having also to nurse him at least once during the meal, having to wipe his hands, arms, face, head, and probably change his clothes after, having also to wipe the table because the poor waitress didn't sign up for that, and then having to pack up baby and gear . . .
Damn, I'm lucky if I eat 5 bites and have one meaningful interaction with another adult during the whole meal!
I'm just going to come out and say it: "Hell yes I sometimes resent my baby for sucking huge amounts of my time, resources, and energy." But, geez, I hope I am normal. I always love james and usually I have a lot of fun with him, but damn being a Mom is a lot of work and it never ends and it is hard, not only physically but mentally, emotionally, psychologically. You are doing the best job you can, coming to grips with your own limits, and having to accept that you will NOT do a perfect job raising this child--all simultaneously.
It helps when you look at them and they are still perfect anyway despite all the mistakes you are going over in your head. It's the amazing thing about kids--they forgive, forget, and grow strong and healthy even if their Mom takes a Saturday morning to shut herself in the library . . .
Dammit except for the fullness of my breasts . . .
"Hey James," I yell down, "maybe you should just give him a bottle . . . " ;-)
Thursday, June 2, 2011
One Month Into Therapy . . .
things are movin and shakin. keep cryin like it's being pulled out by God himself. healing hurts--cry as it washes past. last goodbye to those haunting whispers and still more flow and flow--it's a river of goodbye but i'm clean in the end, i'm clean.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
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