Realities of Motherhood

Yes I breastfeed and cloth diaper and I'm super into the environment and babies. With this said, being a Mom is more than a job. You're on call 24/7 and that means it's not your job, it's your life. And people who work hard might almost be able to be perfect at their job. But you can never be perfect at life. When it's 24/7 you HAVE to mess up. On mistake and on purpose. We all have, and need, our vices, whether they are TV or wine or spilling our soul on the internet--or even more frequently, as in my case, all of these and more.

I think because I have this blog, had a home birth, am really into breastfeeding, etc, people think of me (sometimes) as some kind of "Mother Earth" (a friend recently actually called me this in person) . . . but let's get serious here. I think the vast majority of differences between people, parents, mothers, is superficial. Show me an "attachment parent" who has NEVER had to leave the baby to cry while he/she took a minute, took a walk, deep breaths . . . Meanwhile, show me the average CIO parent and I think you'll see someone who loves to hold their baby, would NOT leave a baby to cry hysterically without consolation, but has realized that their baby falls asleep faster if left alone to fuss for a minute. I think most of us are somewhere in the middle--I could be described as EITHER of the above parents. So it's all just labels to me, little degrees of differences.

I am FAR FAR FAR from perfect. Like all of us I don't advertise my flaws. Though if you think my obsession with organizing, cleaning, and list-making is out of no where you would be mistaken--it's true I am very messy. But I can pull my life together when I have guests so it's fine, haha. But that's the least of them.

The truth is that we HAVE to give ourselves a break. Otherwise the Mommy guilt will drive us crazy!

I'm giving myself a break right now in fact. James just came and asked me to take the baby so he could take a shower, and I was basically like HELL NO. I was really tired and fell asleep nursing him last night, so I feel like I haven't had a minute of "me" time since . . . like Wednesday.

I've been out to eat with friends and with James a few times lately but since it's ALSO with the baby, I feel like I never relax during the meal between having to wrestle him into a high chair, bringing all his utensils and bib, keeping him from grabbing everything, finding foods he can eat so he doesn't go insane, monitoring him during the meal to make sure he doesn't choke, retrieving the utensils repeatedly from the floor, having also to nurse him at least once during the meal, having to wipe his hands, arms, face, head, and probably change his clothes after, having also to wipe the table because the poor waitress didn't sign up for that, and then having to pack up baby and gear . . .

Damn, I'm lucky if I eat 5 bites and have one meaningful interaction with another adult during the whole meal!

I'm just going to come out and say it: "Hell yes I sometimes resent my baby for sucking huge amounts of my time, resources, and energy." But, geez, I hope I am normal. I always love james and usually I have a lot of fun with him, but damn being a Mom is a lot of work and it never ends and it is hard, not only physically but mentally, emotionally, psychologically. You are doing the best job you can, coming to grips with your own limits, and having to accept that you will NOT do a perfect job raising this child--all simultaneously.

It helps when you look at them and they are still perfect anyway despite all the mistakes you are going over in your head. It's the amazing thing about kids--they forgive, forget, and grow strong and healthy even if their Mom takes a Saturday morning to shut herself in the library . . .

Dammit except for the fullness of my breasts . . .

"Hey James," I yell down, "maybe you should just give him a bottle . . . " ;-)