One Week Baby Gratitude

My beautiful son is one week old today. A week ago at this time I was already holding him in my arms--he might have even been getting passed around to my various family members by now.

It is sort of insane that I have a son--a baby.

On the one hand, James and I love him so unconditionally--we are (obviously) obsessed with him. Every face is the cutest face we have ever seen. We just stare at him and ooo and ahh over every little thing he does. We love every little body part and noise and movement. We take a million pictures of him every day. I usually wake up before he does in the morning because I miss him. I stare at him sleeping and I wish that he'll wake up because I want to snuggle him and kiss him and hold him. We just love him so much, and it is crazy how immediately he was the most important person in our world.

And on the other hand I'm still in this weird state of disbelief. It doesn't really seem real yet. Am I really a MOTHER? Is he really MY SON? Is our life REALLY changed forever? It keeps feeling like someday we'll wake up and someone will show up to take him away because it was just a fun experience that we bought and after a week it will be finished and our life will be back to normal. It just isn't real to me yet.

And, if there was another hand, it would be how funny it is that James and I seem to have taken to this very naturally--it's almost part of the reason it feels unreal. All of a sudden, it is totally normal that our life revolves around someone else--that there is a person depending on us. James and I both feel so confident in caring for him--I can usually tell right away if he's hungry or needs to be changed, and James is good at recognizing when he is overstimulated and needs some quiet time, or Mom and Dad time . . . it's like he is so naturally a part of our life and it's so crazy that James and I are the ones that know and love him best, that we are the ultimate authority on this tiny and precious life . . . sometimes he cries when someone else holds him but he stops when I take him. How does he know me? Why does he think I am the best person to take care of him? It's all a strange mystery to me still.

And yet, there have been moments--and these moments give me insight into how insane it must be to be a new parent to a baby who is sick, who has trouble latching, who doesn't sleep or who is colicky--or to be a new parent that is having trouble breastfeeding, family issues, a single parent . . . there are moments where I feel tiredness taking over my brain, my nipples ache, and he starts to fuss in his "I'm hungry" way, and I resent that I'm the only one who can feed him, that I have to deal with the pain, that I have to stay awake. In these moments, I feel crazy as my unconditional love for him wars with the natural urge to be selfish. I can only imagine how it must be in the situations I mentioned above, when the demand on you is so much greater--when the support is so much less--when the baby is so much harder and you have to give so much more and get so much less in return. I can only imagine how depression can creep up with the realization that your life IS changed and this IS the new normal . . . and in SPITE OF an overwhelming and beautiful love for that same baby . . .

I can only feel very grateful, in the wake of the Thanksgiving Holiday, that I was, and continue to be so blessed. James is a ridiculously supportive and amazing husband--staying up with him at night so I can sleep when he needs to--doing the middle of the night diaper changes--feeding and caring for me so I can take care of Little James. And my Baby James is a ridiculously amazing baby--he sleeps so well, during the day and at night--he eats well, latches well, communicates his needs well. He never cries except when he is hungry or wet or tired, and when he is awake he is SO awake and aware and engaged. And my family--they have been so supportive. My Mother, and James' have been cleaning and caring for us almost non-stop, and the rest of our family just loves him so much and have been helping so much. I know that the blessings are way way too many to count. Sometimes it is really too much.