Big Money Big Money!

So it's been nearly two months since I enabled ads on my blog, and I'm pleased to report that I've now made about $25!

This means a lot to me, but it's not just about the money. In fact, it's not much about the money at all. Throughout my life I have always struggled "professionally." I tend to excel (in some ways) at being a loving, supportive, friend and family member. I am good-hearted and forgive easily. I am insightful and intelligent. And yet these are things I need to remind myself of.

As is typical of someone with ADHD, my life is peppered with failures, which seem grand to me and maybe aren't really. With every challenge rides a fear of failure--that one day someone will discover that I'm just pretending to be smart and capable.

Therefore, I have always struggled professionally and academically. It was quite common for me in college to take an incomplete in one or more classes each semester, something that most people don't do once, let alone several times. I learned to focus on the big picture, and yet still there is a master's degree walked away from, a career put on hold . . . The failures live inside me like cancer--corrupting what is good and making me question my abilities and gifts. I love being James' Mommy but feel a deep need to define myself as successful in terms of myself, instead of in terms of my child or my husband.

So this money I have earned on my blog holds a meaning that you can't put a price on. That this is valuable--people read my words, perhaps they are helped . . . a writer is something I've always been but been hesitant to define myself as, since most of my writing is journaling. But writing this blog is healing, therapeutic--I now have not only an outlet but an audience. It's just a start but it's one that is so special to me--it means a lot to have evidence in monetary form that something I have achieved on a professional level is valuable--it's worth so much more to me than $24.99.

Thanks for being witnesses to my process and my life.