In Which I Love James my Baby

I had written before about my fears about SIDS . . . I used the phrase "guarding my heart" in that entry.

This feeling of disbelief and not being able to feel confident that the baby is going to stick around for the long term seems to be a common one in the "Parenting-After-Infertility" community, and perhaps others feel it too.

A pregnant friend asked in a recent blog post when it will start to seem real, and I replied to her of my fears and that it was still unreal with James.

This affects me like I used to stare at him and know I loved him but not feel it in my heart. Just feel nothing. Or when people talk about him and how amazing he is, I smile and say thanks but I look at him and don't know what I think or feel. So I'm guarding my heart and I know I love him but I usually don't feel it, really--especially in the earlier months . . .

And then the other day I was changing his clothes and he was laying on (the pad on) the dresser in his diaper while I looked for clothes for him. And I just stood over him and looked into his eyes and he looked back. And then I smiled and he laughed and crunched up his hands, shoulders, and little body in excitement--just because of ME, because he loved me so much that his little body couldn't contain it, and my heart leapt and dropped all in one and I felt for a second how I loved him just as jubilantly, loved him so--and I wept and held him and realized really how hard I had closed my heart in the fear of losing him . . .

And since then it's happened again, and at other times in little bits I feel that splinters are forming in the wall I built. Now I can't deny that he is my everything and I would die without him, that my heart is secured to him and drawn to him as surely as a rock sinks through water.

I'm still protecting myself but it's changing, just now, it started changing. I can't wait until I can feel secure enough to really be in love with my baby.

Gluten Free Genetics

Someone asked if I thought James was allergic to gluten because I was on a low gluten diet while I was pregnant with him.

I tried for three years to get pregnant, and I was not able to do so until I stopped eating gluten, in combination with other things. This is probably because of a gluten sensitivity, or possibly low-level Celiac's disease. Because of the intestinal inflammation that the gluten causes (evidenced by my swollen stomach), I was unable to absorb nutritional properly and therefore my eggs could not grow properly.

(Additionally I had ovarian inflammation (Poly cystic Ovarian Syndrome) which could have been caused by the gluten allergy or was a symptom of a related problem--I took Glumetza for that (but maybe the gluten-free diet would have been enough?) . . .

Anyway, being gluten-free was a necessity so that the fetus (Little James) could get the right nutrition while he was in there and could grow.

I think him being allergic to gluten is probably related less to him being exposed to it sparingly in the womb and more to do with him being my son, and since I am sensitive to gluten he is more likely to be sensitive as well.

Anyway, gluten and dairy allergies are among the most common for small babies, and typically they will grow out of them with time.

I think him being allergic to gluten is also a symptom of the problem with the FOOD. In the US, all the wheat grown is a high-gluten, genetically modified strain. Our bodies are not made to process it, and so we have more and more people identifying that it is a problem for them.

Oh well. I am DEFINITELY healthier and I DEFINITELY feel better when I'm not eating it, and now since I've seen how miserable it makes him, I won't be eating it any more. I'm happy about it in a way because I know it is better for me. It's just hard to give up something you like so much . . . :-P

Our First Date!

So as I had said, last night we went out for the very first time together without the baby.

And?

We had a great time!

My sister got to my house around 6 and we left around 7. I was very nervous trying to set out James' PJs and night-time diaper and swaddle blanket, and explain about heating up the milk and everything. He was fussing a little when we left and it was heartbreaking to just leave him and walk out the door. As I was waving to him from the doorway I swear he was looking at me forlornly.

I promised myself I wouldn't text my sister for at least a half hour, so I texted my Mom instead (so romantic, LOL): "He was fussing when we left!"

When I did talk to my sister though, she said he was fine and they were playing with his toys, so then I felt a little better. I swear, though, I nearly had an anxiety attack as we were driving--I knew he was fine but I just missed him so much and it's hard to trust someone else to be his sole caretaker when up until now it has only been me and (Big) James. I mean, I OBVIOUSLY trust my sister but clearly, no one knows James and how to comfort him and all of his signals better than us, his parents, you know?

Once I heard that he was fine, though, and especially after we got to the restaurant, it was fine, and fun, to be alone with James. It was strange to feel like I was relaxed in a way without having to take care of him for a few hours straight, but worried in another way from being apart from him!

Anyway, when my first glass of wine showed up it helped a lot, hehe.

I recalled to James that for the last 3 or 4 years, when we were out for our Valentine's dinner, I would say: "This might be our last Valentine's Day alone together before we have a baby/before I'm pregnant!" And depressingly, it was never true. Another year would come and go and I would still be saying that. So it seemed so significant and special that we'd finally done it! We had a baby at home waiting for us! It was like celebrating the accomplishment of finally reproducing!

Hehe. Okay, my entire date post probably shouldn't be about the baby. Here's what we had for dinner (I was on a gluten-free break):

Adrienne: Vegetable dumplings, beet/tofu/fresh basil ravioli with asparagus and garlic greens, and double chocolate "teasecake" (Cheesecake made of tofu).

James: Lentil Soup with bread and carrot/miso spread, Spicy Tempeh sandwich with sweet potato fries, and he shared my teasecake.

I also had TWO glasses of wine in a row for the first time in almost a year!! I just wish I'd dranken them faster so I would have gotten even more tipsy, hahahaha.

I feel like the names of the food does not do it justice. The beet raviolis especially were TO. DIE. FOR. They were handmade from pasta made from scratch and sweetened with beet juice (so they were pink, how romantic, LOL), and then the stuffing was tofu in a ricotta style with fresh basil. And there was some sauce, probably also made from beets--the flavors were just ridiculous. And the teasecake, too. When you think of a cheesecake made out of tofu you are not picturing the delicacy and deliciousness of this cake. It was almost the consistency/flavor of chocolate mousse, with a graham cracker crust . . . it was SO good.

So we left home around 7, got seated around 8, left around 9:45, and got home about 10:30 and thanked my sister and sent her on her way. James was asleep in his swing, so we left him there while we finished up our date upstairs. (Teehee)

As I had mentioned before, it was our first time "together" since James was born, and it was honestly fine! Even fun! I'm really glad I waited as long as I did, though, because I was definitely still nervous when THE moment came, hehe. It definitely felt different but it didn't hurt, so it was a relief to face my nervousness and "take the plunge", so to speak. ;-)

And then we retrieved James from downstairs, put him in his co-sleeper and cuddled up and fell asleep! So all-in-all, a great Valentine's day! :-)

My Dichotomus Abortion/Birth Control Feelings

So I'm not really a bible-thumping quiverful type. But I find that I have a lot in common with a lot of people who are.

Being vegan gave me a zest for life. I went through a phase where I was particularly obsessed with the whole idea. How many plants could I grow--how healthy could they be--what little things could I coax into life? Once I planted a bunch of LEAVES that had fallen off of a poinsettia plant. And you know? One of them grew. And it didn't have the physiology to get any bigger, but it lived, and grew roots. And I had that single leaf in a tiny pot by itself for maybe a year, or more.

During this time, my view on a lot of things changed. Couple this vegan zest-for-life with a bunch of infertility, and I find myself, previously a liberal hippy pro-choicer, someone whose heart and soul have turned against the idea of ending a life at it's most basic beginnings--an abortion. As much as I have to respect a women's right to choose, my heart just won't buy it. Because things want to live. They struggle and put down roots in any unlikely place where they happen to find themselves. I don't know if a baby is any different than a little plant, struggling to live in a sometimes hostile environment. In the end, it comes down to whether you can open your heart and your life to make room for someone else's. And I realize that one can't, always. But my heart aches at the idea of losing a child--any child. I have several friends and family members who are awaiting children, through adoption, infertility treatments, and the good old fashioned method. For someone struggling for a child, it is the most valuable and precious thing in the world--this early life . . . and the thought of ending such a precious life--someone that could become as special as James, if given the chance . . . it just can't feel right to me.

Yet the thought of taking the option away from women absolutely feels worse.

I guess I wish I could find myself a box that feels right but nothing does, really.

And then we have the idea of birth control, too. I absolutely believe that people who are sexually active, and not ready for a child, should use birth control. But what about someone like me? Sometimes I think that every month I prevent pregnancy, it's like I am closing a door against life. And so I see the point of the quiverful folk, the "let God decide our family" sort of view . . . it feels very good, the idea of just leaving your heart and life open for new life. It feels natural and simple and loving.

And yet I can't quite buy it either--maybe I'm a little too selfish--the idea of getting pregnant again so immediately just doesn't feel right either. And I would be worried for James, since pregnancy can affect breast milk supply. So while he is completely dependent on me for nutrition, it feels irresponsible to me as well . . .

I guess in the end the answer is always the same: education, putting tools and options in the hands of women, and making smart and responsible choices.

In Which I hide my Anxiety Behind a Facade of Carefree

James was 10 weeks on Friday. This felt like a victory to me, because weeks 8-10 is the peak time for SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome).

I feel like since I got pregnant I've been anticipating disaster--maybe it's an infertility thing--after taking three years to get pregnant, and suffering repeated early pregnancy loss (something like 7 chemical pregnancies and 1 miscarriage), it's just so hard to believe this is really it. And you'd think I'd have gotten over it when:

-I hit the first trimester (13 weeks gestation), or
-When I passed viability (24 weeks gestation), or
-When James was full-term (37 weeks gestation), or, say
-When he was born

And it's true that each of these milestones brought relief, but then I was just worried about:

-Late term miscarriage, or
-Premature birth, or
-Stillbirth, and, now,
-SIDS

In fact, I still feel like I am guarding my heart, trying not to get too attached (though I obviously am, anyway). I am still thinking that something could go wrong, and I want to be prepared for it.

Sometimes I feel like I can't picture him being 3 or 5 or something and I wonder if that means something--even though other times, I do picture him being older . . .

I was starting to feel a bit more confident that "this was really it" when James was around a month old--we had made it through the birth and he seemed to get more lively and personable every day. But my fear was reignited when we heard at my Midwife's Christmas party that one of her clients had "lost" her baby at 3 months old. I don't know if it was SIDS, I couldn't ask--it was obviously very painful for my midwife. But it was still so so awful to think about.

So of course in order to make myself feel better, I researched.

For back-sleepers (or since the Back to Sleep initiative got good hold), the incidence of SIDS is about 1/2000. And there are many things one can do to further reduce the risk: Not smoke, breastfeed, maintain a safe sleeping environment (firm mattress, no pillows or blankets), sleeping in the same room as the baby, etc.

SIDS peaks between weeks 8-10, and then the risk falls to zero at one year.

So it did help me to read about this--to note that statistically, it is very rare, and that I am doing everything I can to reduce the risk. Of course, when I did this research, James was about 6-7 weeks old, so I've been on pins and needles--checking him compulsively when he is sleeping in another room . . .

Sometimes in the evening when we are downstairs and James is already asleep for the night upstairs, James (the hubby) will go to check on him. My heart pounds until he returns, or better yet, calls down that he is fine. Sometimes he takes too long, and my mind jumps to scenarios--if the baby was gray and not breathing, what would James do? Would he scream? Would he yell at me to call 911? Would he grab James and shake him?

It is just awful. I'm definitely anxious by nature so I'm used to these patterns of thought, but I can tell you right now that I won't really relax until he is a year old.

It's funny, too, because in other ways I am so nonchalant. I don't have any issue with people holding him, I didn't worry about his neck when he was a bobble-head, I'm not scared of him rolling off of the couch, getting scratched, etc. But apparently I'm just spending up all my worry on the rare but awful scenarios instead . . .

Sigh.

Fingers Crossed for Cortney and Missy!

I wanted to collect some prayers and positive thoughts for a couple of friends of mine today--I mentioned them both here.

My friend Cortney, in her first cycle of IVF, has had a great response from her embryos and has her transfer tomorrow (babies back in Mommy). PLEASE PLEASE send her your prayers, hopes and crossed fingers that these are some sticky embryos!!

My friend Missy has just had her second IUI. Please send HER your prayers, hopes, and crossed fingers that a healthy sperm meets a healthy egg, and she also ends up with a nice sticky embryo.

These ladies would make amazing mothers. I am hoping with all my heart that a beautiful baby makes its way into each of their wombs (and then stays put!).

:::STICKY BABY VIBES FOR BOTH OF YOU:::

Awareness

I'm not sure what to title this post . . .

For 2.5 years, James and I tried to get pregnant. We did it in our slow, stilted, and much inspired by natural cures and interventions sort of way. When we did start working with an RE (reproductive endocrinologist)--he was our kind of guy. He didn't start any intervention without being sure that it was really what we needed. So most of our time with him was testing, testing, testing. But I can't complain, because his approach forced me to learn more about what was really going on with my body, and to be proactive in getting exactly the interventions we needed and no more.

So even though it took us awhile, we never did a single Clomid cycle, let alone IUI or IVF. In the end, all it took for me was Metformin, a gluten-free/reduced diet, and progesterone supplements once pregnancy was confirmed . . .

And now I feel so blessed to be less than two months away from having an "outside baby" . . .

But in that 2.5 years, I "met" people. Both online and in person, and I began to realize that the infertility struggle is one that is both common and often undertaken in relative silence. People don't necessarily tell their friends, family, or coworkers why it hasn't happened yet, and they often choke down (with a forced giggle) the pain that comes along with people asking when they plan on having a baby. If only it was so simple, right?

Today my heart is with my friend in the middle of her first cycle of IVF--she struggled to even get mentally to the place where this was an option for her, and yet nothing else worked. I hope and pray that this is what works for her, and that a month from now, she will have a secret miracle of her own.

My heart is with another friend on her second cycle of IUI with injectibles, designed to overstimulate the ovaries, to give her a better chance than just regular IUI--I'm hoping that the good response she is getting so far means that this is it for her, too.

My heart is with another friend who has done several cycles of IUI with no success. I'm hoping whatever she tries next is what does it for her . . .

My heart is with a sister in law who is trying . . .

With a cousin who is trying . . .

And with another cousin who tried everything, everything, and now has opened her heart to adoption. I know her child is out there and I hope they will be together soon.

My heart is with a friend who tried everything except IVF--she can't feel that that is Nature's Way, and now works to accept a life without children. I hope she finds peace or a new solution.

Mostly, as my own belly grows heavy and my child is complete, just know that I am aware of all of you. You shine like points of light when I close my eyes. You each would make amazing mothers. I'm not sure what God or the Universe means by putting us through these tests, these struggles . . . but I hope that your children find you, bless you, and embrace you.

To everyone else out there--be aware. Be sensitive. You may not know the silent suffering of a friend or coworker. You may not know that your happiness, your blessings, your children, can bring pain because of the reminder of what is missing . . . be loving and grateful. Excuse things that you don't understand . . . be aware.

Much love to all today.

24 Hours to Go

In just 24 hours, I will have made it to the second trimester!!

If you haven't read our story on how long it took us to get pregnant, you wouldn't understand what a big deal this is to me. As it is, I feel like I should have a freaking party on Friday.

In fact, I may do just that. PARTY AT MY HOUSE ON FRIDAY!!! BRING VEGAN GLUTEN FREE GOODIES!!! I'LL LET YOU TOUCH MY BELLY!!

Heheh.

It's not Always Easy

Okay, I PROMISE I will eventually write about my Mother's Day and the wonderful revealing of our awesome news, but this is what is calling me today.

When I posted on Facebook about the pregnancy, I felt almost as if I was deceiving people--everyone is so surprised--it is so sudden and unexpected--but for me it doesn't feel like that.

For me it feels like I climbed a mountain and now I'm on my way back down--it feel like something hard earned, something that was built with time and experience--it didn't surprise ME, it wasn't sudden for ME, it was a long hard journey.

So I have to write a little bit about our quest to get pregnant. I will try not to be too long-winded.

James and I got married in October of 2006, and about six months later, in April 2007, we started trying to conceive. Like many people, we were under "high school health class illusion". Let me debunk some of these common myths right now.

"It only takes one"--FALSE. Your sperm count needs to be a MINIMUM of 20 million per ML. Furthermore, those 20 million need to be SWIMMING (motile), NORMAL (morphology), and FAST. If your sperm count is much less than this, not only will it be difficult to get pregnant, but some of the common interventions, (clomid, intrauterine insemination), might not be an option for you.

"You can get pregnant at any time during your cycle, even when you have your period"--FALSE. There is only about 3 days (5-7 at the most) that you can get pregnant during your cycle. If you don't have sex during one of those 3 days, your chances are very low.

"You can get pregnant even if your partner pulls out"--TRUE and FALSE. If the vast majority of the ejaculation is not getting deposited at the cervix, it is true that your chances are not very good. However, most men don't have the self-control to pull out completely before ejaculating, so it is POSSIBLE (though highly unlikely) for some of the small amount of semen to cause pregnancy.

There are also a number of misconceptions surrounding trying to conceive in general. You always hear the stories about people who "it only took once", or "we got it on the first try", looking at their virile husbands adoringly. You don't really hear the stories of people (like us) who it took years, literally, to have one child.

So to get back to the main story, when James and I starting trying to conceive, we were under the illusions of high school health class and the societal skew, and we thought it would happen right away.

But we didn't "get it on the first try", or on the second, or the third. To be honest, our (my) reasons for wanting a baby at that point were not good ones. I was scared of starting a career--I wanted a way out. So after about 3-4 months of trying with no luck, I sort of thought to myself: "I need to face myself, maybe this is "happening for a reason", etc . . . so in July or so, we decided to wait a while before we started trying again.

And things got better for us, and I got a job, and in January of 2008, we started "trying again". Now, I knew more, I was charting my cycles using Fertility Friend. And we tried. And my cycles looked normal, I appeared to be ovulating. And we tried. And we tried.

During the summer, James got a semen analysis done. Guess what? He IS amazing and verile. Remember our previous sperm count conversation? Need at least 20 million per ML? He had 160 million per ML. And 60% of them were motile. He was off the charts virile in almost every way. And so we tried some more. But still we weren't getting pregnant.

Finally, in July of 2008, I got my first positive pregnant test. We were in France at the time, visiting Ophelie--I couldn't believe it. We were pregnant. But you know what? Two days later my period came.

Some time after this, I started to undergo testing with my doctor. We did an Heterosalpingram--ie, we poured dye into my uterus to see if my tubes were open and my uterus looked normal--and it did.

I started working as a Middle School teacher in the fall, and we decided to put any more testing on hold for a little while so I could focus on school. And still we tried, but now it had been over a year--our hearts didn't hold the hope it once did--trying felt different. I stopped thinking as much about it--but still my heart ached.

In January 2009, we started to see a specialist, a Reproductive Endocrinologist. He tested me for everything--tested my hormones on cycle day 2 and on cycle day 21, everything looked normal.

Somewhere in here we went to visit Lauren in Glasgow, I guess in February, and I again had a chemical pregnancy (early miscarriage). At the time, I was too distracted with work and the trip--I hadn't charted that month, but my period was a week late and on the trip I was emotional and exhausted. When my period finally came, it seemed like a relief from the endless PMS. It wasn't until later, looking back at my charts, what was normal for me that I realized what must have happened. And still we tried.

But at least now we had our doctor--he finally recommended a Laparoscropy--surgery into my stomach, where he could look at my uterus with a little camera.

So in April, on my week break from school, we reported to the surgery center, and I had to take off my wedding ring for the first time since James had put it on my finger several years before. I trembled in my gown, and was led into a room where I promptly remember nothing else until waking up.

And finally we had a diagnosis. Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome--cysts on my ovaries that were preventing my eggs from fully developing before they ovulated. The symptoms of this are excessive body hair, irregular cycles, and being slightly overweight. I had none of them, save the body hair, ;-) My hormones (the blood tests we'd done earlier) didn't show it either. But pictures don't lie, and I could see them for myself--my ovaries looked swollen and weird--I wasn't able to see the individual eggs like on a normal ovary.

There were a number of options, but some would cost us. In CT, only diagnosis of infertility is covered, not treatment. If we went down certain avenues, we would end up paying for every doctors visit, every test, every treatment, out of pocket. So we first went with trying the medication Glumetza, a form of Metformin. It is a diabetes medication that is used, off-label, to reduce the effects of polycystic ovarian sydrome. So, in the middle of May, we started taking it.

And in the middle of June, I got my second positive pregnancy test. We were both worried and excited, and I wanted to get my levels tested to make sure everything looked okay--especially progesterone, which is responsible for keeping your period away. But I got the test on Friday, and we wouldn't be able to go for our first appointment until Tuesday, after my period was already due. I was worried, so I started to use progesterone cream. See, in all this time I'd done a lot of my own research and studying, and had a lot of resources now at my disposal.

So when they did finally test me, everything looked good! I was really pregnant, and by then I'd even missed my period. James and I started to think that this might really be happening.

But the next week rolled around and our beta numbers (HCG) which measure the pregnancy hormone, were not going up fast enough. They did an ultrasound at 6 weeks, and found only a sac. We did a confirmation one the next week--still just a sac--it was a blighted ovum.

Again I found myself taking off my rings in the surgery center, for a dilation and cerclage--taking out the "false pregnancy". Again I shook--this time even more violently, in my robe. Again I woke up, this time crying, unable to dress myself, for being overwhelmed.

And now, suddenly, it was July--and we had to wait before we tried again. But time passed, and we did try again, and with the medication. I had yet another suspected chemical pregnancy in October--by now I was used to it--recognized the symptoms . . . and still we tried.

Finally in November, I came across a number of articles pointing out the parallels between polycystic ovarian syndrome, diabetes and gluten intolerance. I had suspected for a long time that my relationship with gluten was too close for comfort--I craved it in a way I craved no other food. But I never thought I could give it up. But the stars aligned and after attending the Thanksgiving Yan Xin Qigong Event, I suddenly decided. I was being gluten free. And it was that easy.

And within a day or two my cravings stopped. And after a week I realized that my normally bloated, round, stomach had magically flattened. And I started to think there might be something to this. And that very first cycle, I got my third positive pregnancy test--but again, my period came the next day--chemical pregnancy number four. And the very next cycle, wouldn't you know it, I got pregnant again. But the pregnancy test was so light that I couldn't help but doubt, and--chemical pregnancy number five.

And in February--again, the very next cycle, I got pregnant again. And I was lucky because I already had an appt with my doctor on the very day that I got the positive test. And we tested my hormones right away--and I INSISTED on progesterone suppositories. My progesterone always measured on the low end of normal but something was clearly wrong as my period seemed determined to come regardless of me being pregnant.

And I started taking the suppositories, and I kept taking the Glumetza, and I kept being gluten free.

And that is this babies' story. So it's not always easy for everyone. Me and this baby fought for each other, tooth and nail, and it was a well-earned battle to announce it on Facebook. It wasn't a surprise, or sudden, or shocking. I earned this.

Happier Things

I am really (this time, I think) actually finally pregnant. I attribute this almost entirely to starting a gluten-free diet in December (and glumetza ). After beginning the gluten-free diet, I got pregnant every month for three months (my rate before the gluten free diet was about once every six months)--only to experience two (more) chemical pregnancies (very early miscarriages) before finally getting pregnant this time, and staying pregnant with the help of the medication progesterone.

Of course, after the miscarriage last summer and a grand total of six chemical pregnancies over the last three years, I have been EXTREMELY hesitant to allow myself to get excited about this. The list of people we have told is ridiculously short: Ophelie, Craig and Yaling (our acupunturist and chiropractor), and of course our doctor. And that's it. One SERIOUS blessing with the miscarriage was that almost no one knew we were pregnant, so we didn't have to deal with the dreaded "untelling". So this time, I haven't told anyone.

BUT! I am ten weeks today and several times we have seen a little heart beating away in our blob of a baby bean. Still though, you can always find the stories of people who miscarried after seeing a heartbeat, so I have remained cautious--and yet as my stomach begins to pooch out and my breasts grow heavy, it is hard to contain my excitement for much longer.

So here is this blog post. Honestly the very short version of things. But I have to start somewhere, and apparently ten weeks is when my excitement has beat out my nervousness in beginning to record my life with baby within.

James is glowing at least as much as me. And again, I cannot stress how ridiculously amazing he has been. I have been on bedrest since about six weeks--I had some spotting and of course my doctor wanted to be as cautious as possible with my history--and I have spent the last month on the couch. And James comes home, and he cooks, and he cleans, with never a hint of a complaint, and when I apologize for not doing more, he hugs me and kisses me, and puts his hand on my belly and says: "You are growing our baby--that's enough." There are no words, right?

Infertility definitely makes you appreciate the fragile miracle that life is. So here is the start, and I am happy to report a happy, moving, heart-beating little baby with an almost complete set of organs here at ten weeks. He graduated just today from being an embryo and is now a fetus. Congrats little Irwin, you are doing great!

Well

I had forgotten that I posted about the miscarriage. It is so weird now to read my happy excited words--it was only a few days later that we found out it was a blighted ovum . . . and I had a D+C . . . I remember shaking in the hospital gown, some kind of reaction to the IV and stress . . .

Throughout this infertility (because, as you'll note, this blog was started in 2008 as an attempt to chronicle our pregnancy journey and it is now 2010), James has been so amazing. I feel as if it has almost given us a window into how deeply we can love each other.

Anyway, this blog is not an infertility blog--or it would be much much longer. On to happier things.