Hemorrhoids

Ummmmm, need I say more? We did a lot of driving back and forth to meet Ava and, yeah, awesome.

I have finally been won over to the importance of kegeling, and will do it fanatically before, during, and after any future pregnancies . . .

Furthermore, I got really constipated post-partum . . . next time I am going to eat prunes or be otherwise more proactive to prevent/deal with that . . .

And that's all folks.

Public and Private

I'm very open, obviously. I don't have a problem with being honest and forthcoming about my experiences. I think it is important because I learn SO much from other people who are willing to share their personal stories and experiences, and I want to help other people by doing the same.

Once I went to California to visit my friend Mariclare. I was a bit more of a spread-the-love hippy type at that point. I even had dreadlocks.

One night we went to this place. It was just a house, but it had an expanded backyard that included a (very hot) hot tub, nice walking paths, places to sit and mediate, etc.

Anyone at all--actually, any woman, or any man who was accompanied by a woman--was welcome to come to this guy's house, use his hot tub, and chill in his backyard. Neither of us knew him or who he was, we just got the password for the gate (a keypad lock) from another friend of Mariclare's who had been there before.

So we went--and I don't know if it was a rule or just custom, but everyone was naked in the hot tub. It was very dim and . . . cozy. Comfortable. So we were the only ones there for awhile (or maybe someone was just getting out when we got in?), but after while some girls came and joined us.

We didn't speak to them as I recall, but it changed my self-esteem greatly. Why? Because for the first time in my life, I saw naked bodies like my own. With lots of hair (everywhere), cellulite, small boobs . . . it impacted me SO SO much. Because of the common portrayal of thin and buxom flawlessness in the media and magazine articles, I felt as if my body was flawed and ugly. But then I saw the same (seeming) imperfections in someone else, and all of a sudden a great sense of normality and belonging descended over me and I felt comfortable in my skin in a new way. I thought of that night over and over in the years that followed. It was a turning point for me in terms of how I felt about myself.

On the walk home we discussed the owner of the house's motivations in having this setup. Maybe he had a video camera set up and just watched all these naked girls and got off on it, you know?

But it didn't matter to me at all, in that moment. Because of his openness, I learned something very important.

I brought this up because my most frequently viewed post is this one. Gee I wonder why? Maybe because there is a picture of my almost naked boob on it? I get at least 20 page views on THAT post every day. And I thought a long time about how I felt about that. I thought about taking it down.

But you know, the pervs of the world don't control me. Does it really matter if they like looking at my boob picture? Sharing as openly and deeply as I want gives me great pleasure, and many people have commented that different things that I have shared helped them.

And where would I draw the line? My Bradley instructor was shocked that I felt comfortable sharing my birth story publicly . . . should it be something private? I never thought so, but apparently others do. There are LOTS AND LOTS of things I post on here that others wouldn't feel comfortable sharing, but I honestly have no problem with it because I feel so strongly that being open helps others.

Many years ago, I realized that I was normal for the first time because I was willing to strip down and get into a stranger's hot tub with a bunch of other naked girls. Now I might have evolved a bit, but I'm no less "naked" when I share my son, my husband, my love, my thoughts, my feelings and opinions and LIFE on here.

And I'm not going to take down my milky boob.

My Birth Control Decision

As the title indicates, this might also be TMI? Just sayin, giving fair warning for anyone that would rather not know!

So the Valentine's Day plans definitely inspired the previous post about birth control, since I have to start worrying about it again.

Me and birth control have a long and sordid history (or not, depending on how you look at it). I tried the pill for about 6 months while I was in college and the basic result was a lot of depression. I was horrible about taking it at the same time every day (or even taking it every day), and perhaps as a result of this, my emotions and hormones were all over the place and I ended up in not a good place. I noticed a significant improvement when I stopped taking it.

And condoms, well, they give me yeast infections. Every SINGLE yeast infection I have ever gotten came on the heels of sex-with-a-condom. Maybe it's the latex, I don't know. I also plain just don't like them. Some people don't notice them, I guess but to me it feels like a foreign invasion!

I've thought about an IUD (intra-uterine device), but basically ruled it out immediately for many reasons: most of them are hormonal, most of them have lots of side effects, we don't want to do anything that long-term, etc.

There are obviously other options, but none of them really feel right to me. So, we'll probably end up going the "withdrawal" method from here on out. Don't knock it, it is 97-98% effective when done correctly and consistently, which is about the came as the pill. For us it is probably perfect.

I guess it doesn't mean much to say that this has always been my primary birth control method since I apparently was never making very mature eggs and had an early miscarriage that seemed like a normal or few-days-late period every SINGLE time I got pregnant and didn't supplement with progesterone. So who knows how many times that happened to me without me even knowing it. But, according to the research, withdrawal IS quite effective.

We might combine it with the Fertility Awareness Method, basically keeping in touch with your body and looking out for signs of ovulation (increased cervical mucus, etc), in which case we would either abstain for a few days or be more careful.

Honestly it still feels a bit weird to me to do ANYTHING to prevent pregnancy after THREE YEARS of trying to conceive James. FAM feels the least strange to me. However, like I said, I'm really not ready to throw caution to the wind, so that's what I finally decided.

V Day Confession

:::Okay, this is somewhat TMI, so stop reading now if you don't want to know, LOL!:::




Okay so I'm going to (wo)man up and admit it: We haven't, ahem, "done the deed" yet.

At six weeks (when you are supposedly "allowed" to start doing it again), I just seriously wasn't ready. I was just starting to feel normal, and I just wasn't in the mood. I felt pretty strongly at that point that I was totally focused on the baby and that's what I should be focused on. I feel like the time after the baby is born is sort of sacred--I think there is a reason many Moms feel like they are keeping the baby alive by sheer force of will--it IS the time to be focused on the baby (and yourself in order to care for the baby).

So at six weeks I told James that I needed more time, and that since Valentine's Day was around 12 weeks postpartum, I figured it was a good time to start up again. And he has ANXIOUSLY been awaiting this day, let me tell you!

Anyway, I'm not really (too) nervous anymore--I really think it will be fine, maybe even nice!

TMI: Losing my Mucous Plug?

If you are the squeamish sort, you can stop reading right now!

So for all you non-pregnant people, there is a wad of mucous that grows in your cervix during early pregnancy. It helps to protect the baby by sealing off the uterus from the "outside world", therefore preventing infection, water, etc, from getting inside the uterus while the baby calls it home.

Obviously this needs to come out sometime before the baby is born, and I think mine has started to. I have been having increased "discharge" for a WHILE now, but for the most part it has been very watery and clear. But since this "false labor" incident, I have increasingly had (mostly small) pieces of white/yellowish much thicker mucous resembling something nearly the consistency of undercooked egg whites. This morning I had kind of a LOT of it, but there is no blood in it at all yet, so I wouldn't call it "bloody show" (another awesome word for the fun aspects of pregnancy), and I have a feeling that this is actually a rather small amount of the mucous plug that I am seeing, even though it seems like a lot.

For people that have been pregnant before: does this sound like the mucous plug to you?

Traditionally, losing the mucous plug is supposed to somewhat correlate with the onset of labor. Meaning some people go into labor that day, others might go another week or two before they go into labor . . . but apparently if you lose the plug too early, your body will just regenerate a new one, so honestly it doesn't mean much.

My suspicion is that the more "productive" feeling contractions I was having the other morning did succeed in beginning to dilate and/or efface my cervix. I could almost feel this happening (and can still kind of feel interesting things happening down there) and that the mucous plug, therefore, is starting to come out. But I could still very well go right up to my due date--I'm not going to get too excited/worried yet because while it does mean something, it also doesn't really mean much.

But that is the fun things happening in my world right now! LOL.