Being a Blogger

As the word "Blogosphere" has found it's word into our vocabulary, those of us who live here have come to understand the world of instant dialogue, of being held accountable for what you say, of public scrutiny . . . we bloggers put ourselves in the fishbowl, inviting others to look into our little worlds, and inevitably form opinions . . .

People have taken different approaches. Many friends now have private blogs, or review comments before publishing them . . . I do not. Just as I breastfeed without a cover, I blog without a cover, too. I believe in the power of words--that they show truth, in more than what is written, but in what isn't written, what isn't said; and in more: why they are written, the story behind the sentence, the emotion behind the judgement. It's all there for the perceptive reader.

It is important to me that I can stand to face the aftermath, that I am accountable for what I say and that I can defend it with logic and reason in the face of scrutiny. (And honestly I feel slightly bad for those who have been unlucky enough to raise my ire, hahaha.)

Anyway, my previous post about balance reminded me of my favorite poem. Sad I am that I must present it here without it's actual formatting, because that is one of my favorite things about it.

Lawrence Ferlinghetti, on the balancing act of the writer . . .

Constantly risking absurdity
and death
whenever he performs
above the heads
of his audience
the poet like an acrobat
climbs on rime
to a high wire of his own making
and balancing on eyebeams
above a sea of faces
paces his way
to the other side of the day
performing entrachats
and sleight-of-foot tricks
and other high theatrics
and all without mistaking
any thing
for what it may not be
For he's the super realist
who must perforce perceive
taut truth
before the taking of each stance or step
in his supposed advance
toward that still higher perch
where Beauty stands and waits
with gravity
to start her death-defying leap
And he
a little charleychaplin man
who may or may not catch
her fair eternal form
spreadeagled in the empty air
of existence

Summer Hours

So I was feeling really bad that I've been so MIA, can't even pull a Wordless Wednesday out of my computerbutt after taking 500 pics on vacation . . .

But then I realized that last year, 2010, while I had really awesome months like May (24 posts), October (36 posts), and November (39 posts), that during the summer I made noticebly less posts--19 in June, 16 in July, and a mere SIX in August . . . and if I recall, I was on vacation a lot, and doing lots of stuff outside and with friends and just didn't have as much time for it.

So really I shouldn't be disappointed to see that this is happening once again this summer. As someone that is often a daily blogger I can't help but feel like I am missing something--and I am missing something, to be honest--I love writing, and I like the "cataloging life" sort of aspect of it . . .

But I am gaining other things, and having a great first summer with my boy . . .

So oh well, I decided I'm just having summer hours right now. And that's that. I'll update when I can. :-)

Grammar Tips

Okay fellow bloggers, friends, family, and Facebook Fans alike . . . let's get real. I see people repeat some things over and over--mostly issues of usage . . . soooo, as a former English teacher, I'M JUST SAYIN . . .

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Some days past. (Means: Some days ago.)
Some days passed. (Means: Some days went by.)

I drove past. (NOT I drove passed.)
I passed a bus. (NOT I past a bus.)

I suppose in the both examples above, passed is used as a VERB. Past is a time/space marker and functions as an OBJECT in the above sentences

(maybe? and here is when we learn that I actually don't know Grammar rules, I just know what's right and wrong. So if my explanations don't cut it for you, look it up. I can guarantee you that I'm right but my explanations for WHY might be wrong or lacking.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Aww=That is cute
Awe=A state of complete shock and admiration!

Aww=a noise, like grr.
Awe=a WORD, the root word of awesome and awful.

Comment on a cute pic: "Aww!" (NOT awe!)
Seeing Justin Bieber in person for the first time: "I am in awe." (NOT aww!)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Balled=Past tense, To make into a ball
Bawled=Past tense, To cry hard

"That movie made me bawl!" (NOT That movie made me ball)
"I balled up a piece of paper." (Let's be honest, no one uses bawl when they should use ball, but they use ball when they should use ball ALL THE TIME.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's=It is
its=possessive, belongs to it.

It's scary!
Its home.

It's special!
Its toy.

It's happy! It likes its ear scratched.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Baby's=belong to the baby
Babies=multiple babies

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I guess that's good for today! I might have to make this a recurring theme though. ;-)

My Baby is Growing Up . . . and I cried about it

J has changed so much in the last month. I know I say that every month, but it's just always true . . .

I start out with writing with lots of thinking. Every post is a selection of a bunch of ideas and thoughts and the lack of a bunch of other thoughts and ideas that I've been having over the past hour, day, week, month, year, whatever.

So I was in the "thinking about" stage for james' six month post (coming Thursday!) and trying to breastfeed him . . . we had a busy weekend and I think he's just in a really overtired, overstimulated, underfed, not enough Mommytime, and recovering from being sick sort of a mood . . . (his normal days actually consist of a lot of relative "alone" time where he is playing quietly and I think that down time is important for him). Anyway, he just kept arching his back and fussing and not wanting to eat. Just before that I had taken away a toy from him so I could go nurse him and he threw a fit. Like, started bawling and kicking his legs . . . oh man.

So of course this brought me back to how much he has changed in the last month. My boy who up until recently would never refuse "a meal", haha. And holding him like that and thinking about it, I just burst into tears! Firstly that he's growing up, secondly that he's rejecting me from nursing (only sometimes, but still)--I used to be enough for him! Enough warm, food, comfort--the most interesting thing in the world!

But as I'd mentioned before, someone lit a fire in this boy's pants this month and he's on the move. I'm suddenly taking a back seat to the very interesting world and all he wants to do with it--look, touch, hear . . .

I know this is only another step in the process of james starting to become his own person with his own interests, desires . . . will. The process of his body separating out from mine, starting at conception, is moving toward completion, now at 6 months, as the weaning process begins ever so slowly with his first table foods . . . I know I have many many more years to come of my little boy, but before I know it he'll be a teenager and then a man! I've seen it happen to other kids, I know how fast it goes.

And for a second today, struggling to nurse my little guy, I held him for a second and cried about his upcoming 6-month "birthday"--I always thought of a 6 month old as a "big baby". And honestly james is already there--he resembled so much his 13-month old cousin we saw this weekend--with a will, on the move . . . it made me realize (again) how fast it goes. Hug those babies close, fellow Mommas.

I (heart) you, Blog!

Well in my usual late-ish fashion, I realized yesterday that the previous day was the one year anniversary of me beginning this blog (for all intents and purposes), wrote this about that, and then forgot to publish yesterday, making this two days "late", oh well close enough.

Anyway, I started this blog in 2008 with the intent to blog about my pregnancy. I thought that happened for a couple of entries in 2009, but alas, it didn't really happen until Feb of 2010. And it was April before I felt secure enough in my little guy to begin the pregnancy blog that I had dreamt of starting way back then.

Here's my entry about finally being pregnant, a year and a day ago today.

It's strange to think about the blog being a year old. I can't believe what it has turned into in that time--what I've turned into?

Recently I mentioned it to a few people. An old college friend, Sean; he has a website, too, Kemba Facts (UConn is our Alma Mater). And my mother-in-law, who'd known about it but she is forgetful (another relative with probable ADHD, LOL), so I reminded her . . .

Anyway, both times when I mentioned it, I felt something. It made me smile while I was talking about it. Pride. I am proud of this blog. I know I'm no literary genius, but I post nearly every day. And when I think about the fact that I only started it a year ago, and didn't start posting pictures regularly for months, and now I have pages and over the last year, have cataloged so much about my pregnancy, about James, our life, and maybe even some helpful information about breastfeeding and birth and pregnancy . . . it does make me proud!

I'm trying to think about myself differently--as a writer. As I've talked about before, I've always been but have trouble thinking of myself as. But I mean, I COULD write something and submit it to Mothering Magazine or another magazine or website or something. Over the last year I've written about 300 entries. Sure, most of these wouldn't be of any interest to the general public, but maybe 10 of them are? Or even 3 . . . still, I have a base of writing to pull from if I ever wanted to do more with it. So why AREN'T I a writer? I've only been at this for a year, this is good progress to me so far, so even if I haven't gotten very far yet, if I am able to continue progressing at the same rate, I have a good shot at . . . well whatever I decide to try to do, right?

And for that reason, I love you, blog. I love being able to record James' life, and to get my crazy thoughts and feelings out--it's very cathartic.

Pages

So most of you have probably noticed that I have been adding some permanent pages to the blog over the last couple weeks (just under the title bar). I am still working on most of them, but if you haven't checked them out yet, you should!

Here are my pages:

-James David: See his stats, important posts about him, and links to videos and pictures! You can also leave a question or a comment!
-Track James' Friends-In-the-Making!: This is mostly for me to keep track of my friends/families pregnancies, but you can watch them progress, too, hehe.
-Adrienne's Guide to Healthy Eating: My tips on eating healthy (including vegan, gluten-free, elimination diets, etc) and links to helpful posts.
-Breastfeeding Advice: My tips on how to get the breastfeeding relationship started on the right foot, links to posts about my breastfeeding experience so far with James, and other helpful posts.
-Like my Blog?: If you enjoy the blog, here's what you can do to support it!

I just added a comments option to the pages. Please leave comments, questions, suggestions, and/or helpful info that I could include on the page as I update.

Thanks for your support!

Stylish Blogger Award!

My friend Michelle has awarded me with the stylish blogger award! Thanks so much Michelle! This is the one and only award I have ever gotten, it means a lot to me!

Michelle is someone I met on I-village (my message boards) when we were both expecting babies in November! I love to read her blog about her SIX daughters and one son, and their homeschooling and craft projects and Michelle's take on parenting.

Here is her blog!

The rules to follow for those receiving the Stylish Blogger Award are:

1. Thank and link back to the person who awarded you.
2. Share 7 things about yourself.
3. Award 15 recently discovered great bloggers.
4. Contact these bloggers and tell them about the award.

7 things about myself...

1. I am vegan.
2. I have been married for 4.5 years!
3. My son is nearly 4 months old!
4. I am addicted to facebook--and ivillage and blogger.
5. I don't have (hardly) any "real-life" Mom-friends in my area, and only a few out of my area!
6. I have done hundreds of hours of reading and research about breastfeeding (including problem solving), and natural birth.
7. I think spending time every day feeling grateful can make or break your whole life--I have a lot to be thankful for.

I'm going to attempt to notify (about) 15 people that I am giving them this award! I'm not sure who qualifies as "recently discovered" but I guess I'll make my own judgment.

Big Money Big Money!

So it's been nearly two months since I enabled ads on my blog, and I'm pleased to report that I've now made about $25!

This means a lot to me, but it's not just about the money. In fact, it's not much about the money at all. Throughout my life I have always struggled "professionally." I tend to excel (in some ways) at being a loving, supportive, friend and family member. I am good-hearted and forgive easily. I am insightful and intelligent. And yet these are things I need to remind myself of.

As is typical of someone with ADHD, my life is peppered with failures, which seem grand to me and maybe aren't really. With every challenge rides a fear of failure--that one day someone will discover that I'm just pretending to be smart and capable.

Therefore, I have always struggled professionally and academically. It was quite common for me in college to take an incomplete in one or more classes each semester, something that most people don't do once, let alone several times. I learned to focus on the big picture, and yet still there is a master's degree walked away from, a career put on hold . . . The failures live inside me like cancer--corrupting what is good and making me question my abilities and gifts. I love being James' Mommy but feel a deep need to define myself as successful in terms of myself, instead of in terms of my child or my husband.

So this money I have earned on my blog holds a meaning that you can't put a price on. That this is valuable--people read my words, perhaps they are helped . . . a writer is something I've always been but been hesitant to define myself as, since most of my writing is journaling. But writing this blog is healing, therapeutic--I now have not only an outlet but an audience. It's just a start but it's one that is so special to me--it means a lot to have evidence in monetary form that something I have achieved on a professional level is valuable--it's worth so much more to me than $24.99.

Thanks for being witnesses to my process and my life.

Public and Private

I'm very open, obviously. I don't have a problem with being honest and forthcoming about my experiences. I think it is important because I learn SO much from other people who are willing to share their personal stories and experiences, and I want to help other people by doing the same.

Once I went to California to visit my friend Mariclare. I was a bit more of a spread-the-love hippy type at that point. I even had dreadlocks.

One night we went to this place. It was just a house, but it had an expanded backyard that included a (very hot) hot tub, nice walking paths, places to sit and mediate, etc.

Anyone at all--actually, any woman, or any man who was accompanied by a woman--was welcome to come to this guy's house, use his hot tub, and chill in his backyard. Neither of us knew him or who he was, we just got the password for the gate (a keypad lock) from another friend of Mariclare's who had been there before.

So we went--and I don't know if it was a rule or just custom, but everyone was naked in the hot tub. It was very dim and . . . cozy. Comfortable. So we were the only ones there for awhile (or maybe someone was just getting out when we got in?), but after while some girls came and joined us.

We didn't speak to them as I recall, but it changed my self-esteem greatly. Why? Because for the first time in my life, I saw naked bodies like my own. With lots of hair (everywhere), cellulite, small boobs . . . it impacted me SO SO much. Because of the common portrayal of thin and buxom flawlessness in the media and magazine articles, I felt as if my body was flawed and ugly. But then I saw the same (seeming) imperfections in someone else, and all of a sudden a great sense of normality and belonging descended over me and I felt comfortable in my skin in a new way. I thought of that night over and over in the years that followed. It was a turning point for me in terms of how I felt about myself.

On the walk home we discussed the owner of the house's motivations in having this setup. Maybe he had a video camera set up and just watched all these naked girls and got off on it, you know?

But it didn't matter to me at all, in that moment. Because of his openness, I learned something very important.

I brought this up because my most frequently viewed post is this one. Gee I wonder why? Maybe because there is a picture of my almost naked boob on it? I get at least 20 page views on THAT post every day. And I thought a long time about how I felt about that. I thought about taking it down.

But you know, the pervs of the world don't control me. Does it really matter if they like looking at my boob picture? Sharing as openly and deeply as I want gives me great pleasure, and many people have commented that different things that I have shared helped them.

And where would I draw the line? My Bradley instructor was shocked that I felt comfortable sharing my birth story publicly . . . should it be something private? I never thought so, but apparently others do. There are LOTS AND LOTS of things I post on here that others wouldn't feel comfortable sharing, but I honestly have no problem with it because I feel so strongly that being open helps others.

Many years ago, I realized that I was normal for the first time because I was willing to strip down and get into a stranger's hot tub with a bunch of other naked girls. Now I might have evolved a bit, but I'm no less "naked" when I share my son, my husband, my love, my thoughts, my feelings and opinions and LIFE on here.

And I'm not going to take down my milky boob.

Twitter

I have joined twitter!

If you would like to follow me in the short, I'm @notjustadrienne

Also, if you Tweet and would like me to follow you, please message me or leave a comment with your handle.

:-)

I'm Alive!

I've been recovering from our party, which went really well, and addictively watching "Brothers and Sisters". I will try to write something of more substance later, I promise!!

Scheduling Blog Posts

So I recently discovered that it was possible to write a blog post and have it "publish" to my blog in the FUTURE. This is totally awesome for me because I tend to have days where I want to write a lot, and then other days (sometimes many in a row), where I don't want to write as much.

So my last 6 posts (minus the home-birth one which was a spur of the moment inspiration) were actually all written on the same day--Sunday, I believe. I just had a lot to say that day, and normally I would feel like I should wait on some topics to space it out. But now, thanks to my new discovery, I don't need to space it out--blogger will do it for me! Hehe, this is exciting to me.

I daresay you'll be hearing even more from me than you used to . . .

Resolution Day 7 Update (on Day 10)

So on 1/11/11, I made a resolution to practice Yan Xin Qigong every day for the rest of the year and I'm here to update on my progress.

Weeelllll, I've missed some days. Like day 4, 6, 8 and 9 . . . But I did practice this morning.

And in my experience with trying to start a new habit or make any change to your life, is that you will miss and mess up some days. The most important thing is not to get bogged down by the days you forget, but just forge ahead and just continue to try to do your best every day.

This is how I succeeded (and have continued to succeed) in keeping a journal. When I was in middle school, I tried many times to keep a journal, but I would forget to write, then get mad at myself and "give up." The turning point with this whole journal-keeping business is when I decided that the days I DIDN'T write didn't matter, only the days I DID write mattered. And I decided that I would keep this notebook and write in it when I wanted to write, even if it had been months since the last time, and that I wouldn't "give up" or get discouraged no matter how long it had been since I wrote. And it worked, and I filled that notebook right up and I've been writing ever since--sometimes with long breaks (like my first two years of college were a big ole blank)--but it doesn't matter.

The conclusion is that with any life change (diet, exercise, any new habit that you are trying to form or any old habit that you are trying to break), the biggest thing is not to give up, but to keep trying. So that's my update for today. Forge ahead in 2011.

Sellout

Well, I've sold out!

I signed up for google to place ads in my blog. Depending on my page views, etc, they will send me a check.

On the one hand, I do sort of look at my blog as a job--I like to provide information that could be helpful to other people, share my experience, and keep everyone who loves and cares about James David and our family updated on how things are going with us. Obviously I enjoy this and don't care about making money off of it, but I think it might be good for me to make a little money off of it--like evidence that what I'm doing is valuable and motivation to do even better.

On the other hand, I've got standards, and if a single f0rmula ad appears on this blog I will immediately regret selling out and will cancel my ads immediately. Got it, Google Adsense ad targeting software? Those are MY terms and conditions.

Anyway, I have no idea what every ad view is worth so we'll see if it's worth it or not.

Update: Well ads appeared today--mostly I like them. Right now there is one for veggie protein, which I really like, Groupon (coupon sales), which I like, and some networking agency, which I am indifferent to. So, so far it seems good to me! Maybe it will even be useful/helpful to me or someone else at some point.

I Created a Blog . . .

Now what?