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Friday, October 1, 2010

Awareness

I'm not sure what to title this post . . .

For 2.5 years, James and I tried to get pregnant. We did it in our slow, stilted, and much inspired by natural cures and interventions sort of way. When we did start working with an RE (reproductive endocrinologist)--he was our kind of guy. He didn't start any intervention without being sure that it was really what we needed. So most of our time with him was testing, testing, testing. But I can't complain, because his approach forced me to learn more about what was really going on with my body, and to be proactive in getting exactly the interventions we needed and no more.

So even though it took us awhile, we never did a single Clomid cycle, let alone IUI or IVF. In the end, all it took for me was Metformin, a gluten-free/reduced diet, and progesterone supplements once pregnancy was confirmed . . .

And now I feel so blessed to be less than two months away from having an "outside baby" . . .

But in that 2.5 years, I "met" people. Both online and in person, and I began to realize that the infertility struggle is one that is both common and often undertaken in relative silence. People don't necessarily tell their friends, family, or coworkers why it hasn't happened yet, and they often choke down (with a forced giggle) the pain that comes along with people asking when they plan on having a baby. If only it was so simple, right?

Today my heart is with my friend in the middle of her first cycle of IVF--she struggled to even get mentally to the place where this was an option for her, and yet nothing else worked. I hope and pray that this is what works for her, and that a month from now, she will have a secret miracle of her own.

My heart is with another friend on her second cycle of IUI with injectibles, designed to overstimulate the ovaries, to give her a better chance than just regular IUI--I'm hoping that the good response she is getting so far means that this is it for her, too.

My heart is with another friend who has done several cycles of IUI with no success. I'm hoping whatever she tries next is what does it for her . . .

My heart is with a sister in law who is trying . . .

With a cousin who is trying . . .

And with another cousin who tried everything, everything, and now has opened her heart to adoption. I know her child is out there and I hope they will be together soon.

My heart is with a friend who tried everything except IVF--she can't feel that that is Nature's Way, and now works to accept a life without children. I hope she finds peace or a new solution.

Mostly, as my own belly grows heavy and my child is complete, just know that I am aware of all of you. You shine like points of light when I close my eyes. You each would make amazing mothers. I'm not sure what God or the Universe means by putting us through these tests, these struggles . . . but I hope that your children find you, bless you, and embrace you.

To everyone else out there--be aware. Be sensitive. You may not know the silent suffering of a friend or coworker. You may not know that your happiness, your blessings, your children, can bring pain because of the reminder of what is missing . . . be loving and grateful. Excuse things that you don't understand . . . be aware.

Much love to all today.

4 comments:

mpence said...

So true!

Though I am not sure what would help, or even keep from hurting someone in this situation. Any thoughts or ideas on how to at least not hurt someone when they see me with my flock of 7?

Cortney said...

Adrienne, thank you so much for this post! I think the most amazing thing about the crap-tastic journey of infertility is the support and love that can be found from people both online and IRL.

Arwhyn said...

Adrienne, what a beautiful post. I so agree with all you say.
I feel guilty for having been so whiny when we were TTC and it took longer than expected. I didn't even come close to experiencing what these women do, and I have got such a lot of respect and admiration for their strength and determination.
And for you - you have stayed so upbeat and optimistic all throughout your journey, even though it was so rough and hard. I am beyond happy for you and James and can't wait for Little James to arrive!

Ella said...

What a beautiful post, Adrienne. You are so so so right. Everything you said... you said it so well.

And I am still - continually - so happy for you that your journey to mamahood is ending... though it is certainly a new beginning of sorts in many ways, as well... And Anna is right, you stayed SO upbeat through all you went through, I don't know how you did it. I know you will be an amazing mom; I can't wait to see you with little James in your arms!

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