Mom of 2?

I'm almost 6 months along in my pregnancy with little Julien . . . in about 3 more months I will have a tiny baby seemingly dropped into my life (that's what it felt like with Jamey)!

But what's different this time around is having another child here already.  I wasn't nervous when we were thinking of getting pregnant, trying to get pregnant, I wasn't even nervous at the beginning of the pregnancy probably because I was throwing up too much to think about anything else.  But as it gets closer . . .

On the one hand I think it will work out fine!  I have been able to keep Jamey interested in nursing (even though my milk dried up after the first trimester), and hopefully he continues to be interested . . . it would be nice to be able to nurse them both at the same time instead of having to try to entertain Jamey separately while nursing Julien... maybe even a little relaxing to have that quiet time?

But what about the other times?  Jamey is really really good about entertaining himself and playing alone, but when he feels jealous of me or like I am paying too much attention to something else, he can get very upset and clingy  . . . if Julien is an easy baby like he was, he hopefully won't mind being stuck in the swing for frequent naps or be propped up on the couch to observe the world while I do normal stuff with Jamey, but what if he's one of those babies who refuses to be put down, who won't nap easily . . . will I be able to handle it?

Then there's me.  The last person on the list . . . I always think to myself that I'll be able to put my self aside and just spend a few months focused on having two babies . . . but will I really deal with this?  In the past the "plan" to forget about myself has never worked out.  I must be a lot more selfish than my Mom was when we were young, but after a few weeks of putting myself aside I start to long for adult time and conversation, for an online outlet, for intellectual challenge . . . and this longing, if unaddressed, becomes something darker and more harmful--a resentment with guilt attached--a sense of deserving but not deserving . . .

So now with three months left I start to worry.  Will I do it?  Can I handle it?  Well I don't honestly know.

What I do know is that I've figured a lot of things out in the last almost-2 years of being a stay at home Mom.  How important play-dates are.  How important it is to try to get out of the house every day.  How much having a bit of a schedule can help me and Jamey both feel happy and healthy . . . How rejuvenating it can be to chat with another Mom at a playground . . . and I have a great therapist right now who specializes in postpartum depression, I've made great strides in the past 6 months in learning how and when to reach out for support and help when I need it.  I'm not the same person I was when I felt lost and unsure of how to find myself again . . . so I'm hoping it will be okay.

Maybe it will even be good.  And in another part of me I start to long to hold and cuddle my sweet new baby . . . I'm excited as much as nervous and so we march on.

Postpartum Depression (For Me)

So here's a run-down. I feel like this is all so obvious but maybe not.

Post-partum depression . . . an interesting animal. It sneaks up on you unexpectedly. Later than you think, usually.

I didn't get the baby blues, I had an awesome immediate post-partum experience. My hubby was home for a whole month, my baby was easy, my birth was great, breastfeeding . . . . honestly was painful for a long time but since everything else was so good it was not an issue to get through that first painful month (which in retrospect was a combination of oversupply, minor tongue tie, and lip tie, all unidentified until much later).

And yet I didn't love my baby. I mean I did in one way. Of course I loved him very much. But my heart was like a vice. I admired his cuteness, felt peaceful and loving when breastfeeding . . . but when I looked at him my heart did not move. Do you know when you look at someone you love, esp after a long time? Your heart swoops out before you to meet them, and then holding them, or seeing them, or being with them, is like reembracing your own heart again . . . ? Your heart moves when you love people--swoops, plunges, chokes you sometimes . . .

My heart just did not move for him and intellectually I know I loved him and I felt it on some level but . . . my heart was a vice. I protected myself seriously and, to some extent, consciously, against connecting with him until he was over the worst time period for SIDS . . . I was afraid, after taking 3 years to conceive him, having multiple miscarriages . . . I just didn't want to love him too much until I was sure this was really it for us . . . Really, now in retrospect, without emotion but with logic, SIDS is SO rare and usually affected by so many risk factors that we don't have . . . but that was my fear at the time and I owned it shamelessly.

So this started to lift around 5 months . . . and still I was okay, honestly, just, hard in my heart, but softening.

But then teething started at 6 months. Crawling started at 7.5 months. And it was almost like I went from being afraid I would lose him to suddenly losing myself. Losing my life.

I like writing. (Blogs, Message Boards, Facebook, etc). It helps me. But I couldn't do it with him crawling. I had to watch him at every second. I had to spend every moment trying to transform my world into a baby-safe place, so that I COULD have more than a second alone or to eat, or to shower, or . . .

And writing isn't the only thing I like to do--but suddenly it's like the hard-won independence of adulthood--which I had so longed for and wished for as a child--the ability to control my own life--which I ran at, like a horse out of the gate, as a teenager . . . this independence was suddenly, once again, gone. No one explained to me that 18 until when you have kids is the only time that you are actually independent and making decisions for your own best interests (and when your kids are grown, I suppose).

I didn't realize I was in like this "special freedom zone" but now in retrospect, other parents did attempt to tell me with things like: "Wait until they are crawling" "It all changes after you have kids" "Enjoy your sleep now", etc. You just don't realize that all of these things will get into your PSYCHOLOGY. That you will feel GUILT about the resentment of your lost freedom, you will feel CONFLICTED about your child, to feel such strong love for one who simultaneously demands SO much ALL THE TIME. It's emotionally and psychologically extremely challenging. I don't know if it's not something you can explain to someone, or if people just haven't done it well enough . . .

Anyway, things started to go downhill for me around 7.5-8 months, though honestly my whole "detached-out-of-fear" thing probably didn't set me up really nicely there, either . . . and the very worst was from like 7.5-11.5 months--for him, and honestly so much of it was related to teething. He became such a different child when his first 7 were in and we had a long break there for awhile. For me the stress continued through a haze of 1st birthday party (Nov 19th), Thanksgiving and related travel (20th-26th), and Christmas, and cleaning up from Christmas.

But in spite of this, I had really started to enjoy this independent, communicative toddler, down to nursing 6ish times a day . . . I LOVED not having to constantly manage meds and homeopathic teething solutions . . . I LOVED having a predictable 2-nap day and a baby who was easy peasy to put to sleep! I LOVED IT.

And stupidly I thought it was all related to him getting older. NOPE. TURNS OUT IT WAS ALL RELATED TO A BREAK FROM F'ING TEETHING. Now his molars are coming in and I feel like I've been dropped right back into hell. I'm such a freaking "put the bad stuff out of my mind" sort of person that I forget within a week how awful it was with him teething. But now it's back and . . . I don't know, I'd just started feeling normal and like I was feeling better. Now the idea of having to deal with this teething/clingyness/constant nursing/refusing to eat/refusing to nap/needing to constantly medicate/etc sort of baby for possibly another YEAR??! It's honestly panic-inducing.

I think I might need to step up my pharmacology. Taking adderall every day DOES help me manage my life. But I think it's . . . missing the major issue at this point.

And like I have the F'ing energy to sort through like 15 crappy psychiatrists to find one who will actually listen to and respect me and the fact that my system is SUPER sensitive and I will want to try a VERY VERY low dose, and communicate in more detail about what my options are and what diagnos(es?) I fit, etc . . . like I really have the energy to do that.

James the Hubby is home with me today because . . . I needed a mental health sick day from being a Mommy.

What Has She Won, Folks?

There are many possible symptoms of postpartum depression, including the following:

Inability to sleep or sleeping a lot.
Change in appetite.
Extreme concern and worry about the baby or a lack of interest or feelings for the baby.
Feeling unable to love the baby or your family.
Anger toward the baby, your partner, or other family members.
Anxiety or panic attacks.
Fear of harming your baby. These thoughts may be obsessive, and you may be afraid to be left alone in the house with your baby.
Irritability.
Sadness or excessive crying.
Difficulty concentrating or remembering.
Feelings of doubt, guilt, helplessness, hopelessness, or restlessness.
Lethargy or extreme fatigue.
Loss of interest in hobbies or other usual activities.
Mood swings marked by exaggerated highs and lows.
Feeling emotionally numb.
Numbness or tingling in your arms or legs.
Hyperventilating.
Frequent calls to the pediatrician with an inability to be reassured.
Recurrent thoughts of death, which may include thinking about or even planning suicide.
Obsessive-compulsive features, including intrusive, repetitive thoughts and anxiety

*http://www.webmd.com/depression/postpartum-depression/understanding-postpartum-depression-symptoms*

In Which my Baby Turns a Year Old and I Emerge out of a Hormonal Fog World . . .

So I guess I got hit with post-partum depression when James started crawling and my life as I knew it truly ended. But it was sort of hard to see what was going on, I suppose. When I went back to my therapist several months ago, I said to myself that it was because I was protecting myself from depression--dealing with the things I was feeling/thinking before it turned into something worse, before it turned into a depression. It was only about a month ago that I realized I was actually, had been for all this time, depressed already! For me I seem to only realize it as I am starting to recover.

Anyway, WHEN I went back to my therapist several months ago, she said: "Women are allowed to be crazy for TWELVE MONTHS after they have a baby. One year for your hormones to be insane and totally out of wack. After that you have to pull yourself together but until then all bets are off." As I seem to do, I sort of dismissed this advice without appreciating it's true significance.

And yet . . . 11.5 months rolls around. My baby starts to nurse a lot less, only ONCE over the whole night sometimes . . . and suddenly, I swear to God, I have emerged into a new world. I can't quite describe what changed or how--I started to look at my baby without any resentment--something I had been doing, I suppose, mostly unconsciously--I started to feel more free . . . nursing is different now, has changed--he's finally to the point with food now where he COULD be okay if I stopped nursing altogether. I don't WANT to do that at ALL but for me it has always made a huge difference when I'm doing something because I WANT to, not because I have to . . .

But really it's hard to say what's changed, what is different. But it really feels like I was stuck in a tall dark maze and have suddenly emerged--into the sun or perhaps clear warm night, starry sky--the air seems to smell more fresh, the world seems more bright. All of a sudden, as if I suddenly passed through a curtain, things are different. I have perspective on my life, my situation, my child, my past . . . I'm starting to heal from things that were hurt, and undone, and left too long, and not left long enough . . .

And it feels really good.

Realities of Motherhood

Yes I breastfeed and cloth diaper and I'm super into the environment and babies. With this said, being a Mom is more than a job. You're on call 24/7 and that means it's not your job, it's your life. And people who work hard might almost be able to be perfect at their job. But you can never be perfect at life. When it's 24/7 you HAVE to mess up. On mistake and on purpose. We all have, and need, our vices, whether they are TV or wine or spilling our soul on the internet--or even more frequently, as in my case, all of these and more.

I think because I have this blog, had a home birth, am really into breastfeeding, etc, people think of me (sometimes) as some kind of "Mother Earth" (a friend recently actually called me this in person) . . . but let's get serious here. I think the vast majority of differences between people, parents, mothers, is superficial. Show me an "attachment parent" who has NEVER had to leave the baby to cry while he/she took a minute, took a walk, deep breaths . . . Meanwhile, show me the average CIO parent and I think you'll see someone who loves to hold their baby, would NOT leave a baby to cry hysterically without consolation, but has realized that their baby falls asleep faster if left alone to fuss for a minute. I think most of us are somewhere in the middle--I could be described as EITHER of the above parents. So it's all just labels to me, little degrees of differences.

I am FAR FAR FAR from perfect. Like all of us I don't advertise my flaws. Though if you think my obsession with organizing, cleaning, and list-making is out of no where you would be mistaken--it's true I am very messy. But I can pull my life together when I have guests so it's fine, haha. But that's the least of them.

The truth is that we HAVE to give ourselves a break. Otherwise the Mommy guilt will drive us crazy!

I'm giving myself a break right now in fact. James just came and asked me to take the baby so he could take a shower, and I was basically like HELL NO. I was really tired and fell asleep nursing him last night, so I feel like I haven't had a minute of "me" time since . . . like Wednesday.

I've been out to eat with friends and with James a few times lately but since it's ALSO with the baby, I feel like I never relax during the meal between having to wrestle him into a high chair, bringing all his utensils and bib, keeping him from grabbing everything, finding foods he can eat so he doesn't go insane, monitoring him during the meal to make sure he doesn't choke, retrieving the utensils repeatedly from the floor, having also to nurse him at least once during the meal, having to wipe his hands, arms, face, head, and probably change his clothes after, having also to wipe the table because the poor waitress didn't sign up for that, and then having to pack up baby and gear . . .

Damn, I'm lucky if I eat 5 bites and have one meaningful interaction with another adult during the whole meal!

I'm just going to come out and say it: "Hell yes I sometimes resent my baby for sucking huge amounts of my time, resources, and energy." But, geez, I hope I am normal. I always love james and usually I have a lot of fun with him, but damn being a Mom is a lot of work and it never ends and it is hard, not only physically but mentally, emotionally, psychologically. You are doing the best job you can, coming to grips with your own limits, and having to accept that you will NOT do a perfect job raising this child--all simultaneously.

It helps when you look at them and they are still perfect anyway despite all the mistakes you are going over in your head. It's the amazing thing about kids--they forgive, forget, and grow strong and healthy even if their Mom takes a Saturday morning to shut herself in the library . . .

Dammit except for the fullness of my breasts . . .

"Hey James," I yell down, "maybe you should just give him a bottle . . . " ;-)

My Baby is Growing Up . . . and I cried about it

J has changed so much in the last month. I know I say that every month, but it's just always true . . .

I start out with writing with lots of thinking. Every post is a selection of a bunch of ideas and thoughts and the lack of a bunch of other thoughts and ideas that I've been having over the past hour, day, week, month, year, whatever.

So I was in the "thinking about" stage for james' six month post (coming Thursday!) and trying to breastfeed him . . . we had a busy weekend and I think he's just in a really overtired, overstimulated, underfed, not enough Mommytime, and recovering from being sick sort of a mood . . . (his normal days actually consist of a lot of relative "alone" time where he is playing quietly and I think that down time is important for him). Anyway, he just kept arching his back and fussing and not wanting to eat. Just before that I had taken away a toy from him so I could go nurse him and he threw a fit. Like, started bawling and kicking his legs . . . oh man.

So of course this brought me back to how much he has changed in the last month. My boy who up until recently would never refuse "a meal", haha. And holding him like that and thinking about it, I just burst into tears! Firstly that he's growing up, secondly that he's rejecting me from nursing (only sometimes, but still)--I used to be enough for him! Enough warm, food, comfort--the most interesting thing in the world!

But as I'd mentioned before, someone lit a fire in this boy's pants this month and he's on the move. I'm suddenly taking a back seat to the very interesting world and all he wants to do with it--look, touch, hear . . .

I know this is only another step in the process of james starting to become his own person with his own interests, desires . . . will. The process of his body separating out from mine, starting at conception, is moving toward completion, now at 6 months, as the weaning process begins ever so slowly with his first table foods . . . I know I have many many more years to come of my little boy, but before I know it he'll be a teenager and then a man! I've seen it happen to other kids, I know how fast it goes.

And for a second today, struggling to nurse my little guy, I held him for a second and cried about his upcoming 6-month "birthday"--I always thought of a 6 month old as a "big baby". And honestly james is already there--he resembled so much his 13-month old cousin we saw this weekend--with a will, on the move . . . it made me realize (again) how fast it goes. Hug those babies close, fellow Mommas.

The Pressure is On!!

Okay . . .

Firstly may I apologize for any stupid things I might have said about parenting before I was a parent. I certainly don't think one needs to have BEEN THERE to know about it--that is, I'm sure there are excellent male midwives and OBs who will never be pregnant, excellent lactation consultants who have never breastfed a baby, and plenty of excellent researchers who have added to the suggested to-do and not-to-do list in terms of parents decisions . . . but one thing I didn't understand until getting to this place with a child (and I'm sure this is only the beginning) is the pressure that you feel as a Mother.

I really think most of it is sourced internally. That is, I think people are the most defensive and sensitive when THEY don't have confidence in their own decisions (or when they aren't doing what they would ideally like to)--therefore, any wayward comment about said decisions/actions can cause internal turmoil . . .

So while I think there can be over-bearing Mothers and Mother-in-Laws (and we've all heard some stories), I think a lot of the discomfort and scrutiny a lot of new Moms feel is ultimately the result of their OWN feelings . . . but it's easy not to see that in the moment, and be defensive because you love your baby, and how DARE someone suggest that you aren't doing right in just how you caring for him! So you get upset/defensive right away, even though said commenter might have just asked you if he might be hungry or something relatively innocent . . .

But it's more than that, because I can tell you, sitting a room yesterday surrounded by my Mother (Great housewife and raiser of four college grads and all-around great kids--not to brag), my Mother-in-law (with a Master's Degree in Family Counseling), my one Grandmother (mother of five and organizational/cleaning expert extraordinaire), and my other Grandmother (who is like THE 50's housewife/Martha Stewart/Cooker, Baker, Painter, Crafter, etc) . . . well honestly it's a lot to live up to. I respect all these women immensely as both wives and mothers . . . so the pressure is on but I do know it is mostly coming from myself.

But with this said, when I heard other Moms talk about Mommy-judging, Mommy-guilt, and other aspects of the social/emotional space of motherhood, I seriously did NOT realize how intense it would be. Both giving and getting--I really want to call myself back into this mental space anytime I find myself giving parenting or breastfeeding advice and remember that as good as my intentions might be, the Mom I'm talking to is FEELING THE BURN just like I was yesterday, and try to be REALLY REALLY sensitive to that.

And let's review here: My baby is perfect. He basically never cries, he is beautiful and obviously super healthy, he has never had anything more than a slight cold/congestion (which a little breast milk in the ears has cleared up within a day the three times it's happened). You might be wondering what possibly could have gotten scrutinized yesterday? Hahaha.

Keep in mind between the four aforementioned women, we run the gamete between my Mom, who like me is super cued into when his noises turn slightly whiny and who begins wondering immediately (aloud) if he needs a fresh diaper, a snack, or what, and my grandmother, who asked me why I was feeding him though he was whining and it had been 3 hours since he last ate, because he wasn't crying.

So basically, damned if you do, damned if you don't, right?

(On an unrelated note, I wrote this like two days ago and there were so many other thoughts in my head and I wasn't sure it was done--but honestly I have a lot of old post beginnings that have never been published, so I'm going to try to be less critical and just go with whatever I've got. So here it is.)

What Does it Mean to be a Mother?

James has been "on the outside" now for 5 1/2 months, and I'm still not sure what it means that I am his mother.

I'm really not around a lot of other mothers and young kids, maybe that's part of it. It's hard to examine my relationship with him objectively since I'm inside it. It's hard to see what it will mean, what it will be like, on the long term . . .

For now I guess it means that he can count on me. I take care of him. I enjoy his company, I play with him, change him, feed him, love him, snuggle him, bathe him, give him toys and things he wants--I sing to him, toss him in the air, help him sit or stand, help him go to sleep, read him books--we are buddies.

What it means to be a Mother to a baby (to me) is to love him and meet his needs--and in return I get him--his attachment to me, his love for me, his dependence on me, his affection for me . . . I get to raise this little person and get to love him and get his love back. It's like having the best kind of friend where you know that both people are equally "into" the other. Him and I, we are into each other! We love to hang out! We have a similar sense of humor! Haha

I think I'm going to continue to discover what it means to be a mother . . . but I've definitely already learned a lot and found that many things were unexpected!

If you are a mother or mother-to-be (or even if you have a mother, haha), what does it mean to you to be a mother?

TV Show Response: Brothers and Sisters

So I've been obsessively watching the TV Show Brothers and Sisters. We watch TV off of Netflix, so it's commercial-free and I can watch an entire season of a show in a few days if I'm motivated.

I had seen the first season of Brothers and Sisters when it first came out, and I really enjoyed it then, but hadn't seen it since then. Now in the last couple weeks I've watched (nearly) the first three seasons (I watched the first season over again), and clearly I am really enjoying it!

The show features Sally Field as Nora Walker, a Mother of five grown children. In the first episode, her husband of 40 years, William Walker, dies of a heart attack unexpectedly. As the show goes on, Nora and her five children start to learn that William kept many secrets from them. As they learn the truth, it throws their life into upheaval.

The five kids are: Sarah, a 35ish work-aholic mother of two in a struggling marriage; Kitty (Calista Flockheart), a 33ish republican pundit struggling to find the right guy for her; Tommy, a 30ish married guy working at his father's company; Kevin, 28ish gay, single, lawyer; and Justin, a 25ish single Afganistan Vet with a drug problem.

The show follows all the kids and Nora as their lives, significant others, families, and careers go through many changes, and through it all, they are the consummate American Family--struggling to keep their Father's business and legacy alive without compromising their ideals, struggling to resolve their feelings about their Father in the light of difficult truths, and talking, arguing, loving, and supporting each other the whole time.

One thing I really love about the show is their portrayal of Kevin's, the gay son's, life. I LOVE that they show him in relationships, being physically intimate, 100% accepted by his family, etc. I love to see a really healthy and open view on homosexuality in an ABC prime-time television show! Usually I think gay men are portrayed extremely superficially (like on Ugly Betty, for instance), and usually not openly kissing and having intimate relationships. But why not? They show straight people kissing on prime time and it shouldn't be any different for gay people.

I have to admit that I want to BE Nora Walker, which brings up some interesting emotions inside me. I've always wanted a big family and I am naturally nurturing like Nora. She is like a mother hen, tending her nest with these elaborate family dinners. But one theme in the show is Nora finding herself, for the first time, as a woman separate from her Father AND from her husband. She has never had to define herself as something more than a wife and mother. But as she struggles with the truth about her husband, she is forced to examine herself as well.

I think one reason I want to be her is for the same reason--I'm not sure who I am, either. I am not confident in myself as a single person, as a career person . . . I am very comfortable as a wife and mother but who else am I? So watching the show can sometimes be unsettling. Even though I want to be Nora, I also find myself being JEALOUS of Sarah. CFO of her company, intelligent, well-respected, independent. In terms of myself as separate from anyone else, I have never been happier than when I was teaching. I never felt more . . . confident in who I was.

Due in a large part to having ADD, I have had a very hard time succeeding on the long term in challenging situations. I do well overall but I have trouble paying attention to details, making rash or impulsive decisions, and following through--sometimes these little/medium things can add up to a big failure. There are very few accomplishments in my life that are not tied to specific failures--my self-efficacy is badly wounded. As a teacher, for the first time, I was building that back up, making a different in kids lives, making good writers out of them and good people, too.

But in the end I am home because I want to be home. I could not imagine leaving James with someone else. And there is something growing with him--a confidence and pride in my ability as a mother. If I can succeed in that, perhaps there are other successes on my horizon.

Oh, am I off topic? I highly recommend Brothers and Sisters! ;-)