Might As Well Talk about Religion Too...for Thanksgiving!

We are quasi religious I guess.

Our family does believe in God. I was raised Catholic, James was "raised" Protestant. We have both always been deeply spiritual but never quite connected with our religions. We have studied a lot and taken a lot of lessons from Buddism, Taoism, Judiasm, and Christianity, as well.

However nothing felt right. I do not like the concept of religion because of a Buddist lesson/saying--"the moon that can be named is not the true moon". Or in Catholic terms--man cannot explain God, ever changing, ever reactive, unknowable, unfathomable. I have only (and just a small one, at that) a personal sense for what God is which I could never force upon someone else. A force, the goodness, an entity (and of what form)? I know none of these.

My opinions of the Bible, Torah, Quran, etc, is that they contain some of the true "qi", the original energy from the Teachers--Jesus, Buddah, Moses, Muhammed, Da Mo, Gwan Yin, Lao Tzu, etc . . . but it can be very difficult to access, learn from, use effectively . . . furthermore, the true teachings are watered down, filtered through a screen of time, power, priorities, of language, mistranslation, editing . . . hence the difficulty in learning--the ease in twisting messages so that people can claim to kill for God or war for Peace. Soooo, I believe you should only take positive messages from things written by humans. Jesus taught us that humans erred. The Bible, Torah, and Quran are as flawed as their writers/recorders, unfortunately--humans, many of them politically motivated, who lived long ago and not only in one period of time but continually changing, editing, twisting, translating. Therefore, any negative messages that get twisted into these texts should be ignored. Like those that make terrorists think God is on their side, or those who inspire our young homosexual boys and girls to commit suicide because they think God/the religious masses hates them.

However, there are also excellent messages in these texts. Like that forgiveness is a way to heaven/enlightenment. Or that honoring your mother and father is a requirement. Or that all people deserve freedom and the opportunity to work and live.

James and I are very lucky to have found a way to learn from these excellent messages, as well, through Yan Xin Qigong. James started practicing in 1998, when he was a freshman in college. I started in 2003, when I was a sophomore.

It is not a religion, but I would consider my Teacher, Dr. Yan Xin, to be a true Teacher or more traditionally called "Master". I don't believe Jesus was the "son of God" in a more specific way than Buddah, Moses, Muhammed, Da Mo, Gwan Yin, or Lao Tzu. I believe that people who attain far along the path of enlightenment become closer to God in, through, and by way of the process/journey. I believe all of these Teachers went far along the path of enlightenment, and that many fully achieved it. As far as my OWN teacher? Well, who am I to judge my own Teacher other than to say he is my true Master. Through his teaching I am able to learn from all the Masters, all the Teachers . . . It is a Thanksgiving Topic for sure.

On this Thanksgiving in particular I wanted to be Thankful for the blessings Yan Xin Qigong has brought to my life. For my family, my husband, my baby, my life . . . I do have so much to be Thankful for.

Old School Sunday: Things Start to Get Better with my Parents

If you haven't heard about my blog series "Old School Sunday", read the back story!

And if you want, catch up on what you missed (read from the bottom up!)

Getting to the end of the spring semester of my sophomore year of college . . . here I write about how I will go to my first Yan Xin Qigong event . . .

2nd April 2003
1:13am: Email to my Parents
Current Mood: cheerful
Current Music: Norm and Sal on Guitar--Creep by Radiohead

Dear Mom and Dad,

Mom wrote me and told me to write. Well, tonight I went to a program in the South Study Lounge that was organized by the Hall director. It was a discuss and exchange of ideas concerning the war. The head of the honors dept was there to assist, and it was run by a Philosophy professor and a philosopy Grad student. It was really interesting. We split into groups of five and discussed the issues. Then we tried to come to some points of consensus and discussed as a large group. The head of the honors dept was in my group and I met her and talked to her a lot during the discussion. She seemed impressed that I was so informed, and she said that it was important for busy college kids to take time out of their days to be responsible and informed citizens. I thought that you would be interested to hear that.

Also, this thing I read about, very interesting. "British and American coalition forces are using depleted uranium (DU) shells in the war against Iraq and deliberately flouting a United Nations resolution which classifies the munitions as illegal weapons of mass destruction." Great Britain's Sun Herald

So, how is everything with you guys? I tried to talk to mom yesterday on the IM but she left for some reason . . . Anyway, have you sold any houses? Good luck with that. Read any good books? I've just read Dharma Bums by Jack Kerouac for my literature of the new consciousness Class, and I really liked what it had to say about Buddism. Alot of it sound like what I've been discovering lately. Like I've been thinking about what a soul is, or an aura if you want to think of it like that. Your "Holy Spirit" your soul, your energy, your qi, whatever you want to call it. And How every person has one, but also every tree, every living thing, every object. Everything has and is energy. Everything at the base level is just waves. And How the earth also has an aura, an energy field. It is made by the sun and contained by the earth's gravity And it is huge and powerful and when you lay on the ground and breathe in you can feel it, you know. Like when you sleep outside on the ground you wake up feeling so fresh and healthy. And So all of this means that all of us and our souls or auras are all connected and overlapping with the earth's energy. Which means that self, seperating your aura and your energy out from the rest and labeling it accessable to your mind and control, is all an allusion. And if you choose to think about it differently, the whole earth is just part of and a continuation of yourself. Anyway, so I was thinking this and Dharma Bums really spoke to that and I really liked it. Also, this has a lot to do with what Qi-Gong says--that once we realize that we can access the energy of the earth, that limiting ourselves in anyway is un-necessary. Also, I'm probably going to Yale with Laccone on Saturday. He is going to this qi-gong event, and I asked him last week to ask his qi-gong leader about the possibility of joining the group even tho it is supposed to be closed to membership at this time. And he said that he didn't know if I could join, but he suggested that Laccone bring me to the event on Saturday, because you are allowed to bring interested people if you want to. So I think I am going. I'll let you know how that goes.

So I hope I didn't loose you with the auras and all that. I don't know how much you know about Buddism. So let me know how things are.

Love Adrienne

Later the same day, I talk to my Dad on AIM about my feelings about emerging adulthood and the new responsibilities I've inherited . . .

5:27pm: Honesty
Current Music: Salmun playing Street Spirit by Radiohead

AdriN2001: hey dad
CT Golden1: hi a....hows it going?
AdriN2001: Alright
CT Golden1: good....going to boston withy us and grandma M
AdriN2001: Yeah
CT Golden1: withy us...haha
AdriN2001: You know Dad, I get really stressed out about life and you and mom make me even more stressed out and I wish you wouldn't
AdriN2001: It's like you think I don't worry about these things on my own and so you have to make me worry about them
CT Golden1: you wouldnt get so stressed out if you were more organized and didnt waste so much time on things that arent important
AdriN2001: They are
AdriN2001: The head of the honors dept thinks so
AdriN2001: I have someone to back me up
CT Golden1: do they teach any classes in time management...if so you should take it
AdriN2001: I don't waste time dad
CT Golden1: also try keeping a daytimer and carry it to remind you of things that you have commited to
AdriN2001: I don't watch TV, I don't hang out with people for large amounts of time. I am always trying to prioritize and get as much done as possible
CT Golden1: I can only go by the time I see you...and then you do very,very little
AdriN2001: Well I'm on break
AdriN2001: It's just that I feel sort of helpless
CT Golden1: its that time of the semester that with 17 units you probably pulling your hair out
CT Golden1: tried to warn you against it
AdriN2001: Like I feel like everythings moving at such a fast pace and it's like no one asked me if I wanted to grow up so fast or if I wanted so much responsibility all at once
CT Golden1: I remember when I was in my junior year...I almost quit school...went thru a period of deep depression...hope it wont happen to you
AdriN2001: Well you puttting so much pressure on me certainly isn't helping
CT Golden1: what pressure are you talking about?
CT Golden1: do you want some sound advise?
AdriN2001: No
CT Golden1: fine...whats the presure?
AdriN2001: I just feel like you and mom are always bothering me about money and what job I'm going to have and stuff and I already worry about that stuff CONSTANTLY, and it isn't really good to be told that the unbearable amount that I already worry isn't enough worrying
AdriN2001: Because if I worried any more I would just snap, so I almost feel like you want to push me over the edge or something
CT Golden1: are you having financial problems?
AdriN2001: I don't think so, I mean, I'll be able to give you everything I owe you before the end of the year
CT Golden1: I'm not worried about that....ok...does that make you feel better
CT Golden1: how about if I tell you how proud I am of you...will that make you feel better
AdriN2001: lol
CT Golden1: how much I love you
CT Golden1: Their is one thing I can tell you for sure
AdriN2001: not if you don't mean it and you really aren't pround of me because you think that how I'm doing at school is horrible and that the things that I am passionate about are pointless
CT Golden1: I dont think your doing horrible....I just know that you can do much better
CT Golden1: and I expect someone who is as intelligent as you to do better
CT Golden1: Life is a bitch Adrienne, and if you think collage is tough....just wait....you havent seen anything yet
AdriN2001: Well it's just like I know I can do better too but so much worrying makes me freeze up and not be able to accomplish anything
CT Golden1: try managing a career and raising a family....when your not only responsible for yourself but everyone else too
AdriN2001: I know
AdriN2001: And I'm stressed out about that too
AdriN2001: And it hasn't even happened yet
CT Golden1: you need to stop worrying and start doing what needs to be done....sit down...make a list and remove things from it when they are accomplished
CT Golden1: whats happening is very common
AdriN2001: It's like I used to think of being grownup as walking through a gateway where there are two distinct sides but I'm beginning to realize that things go on and on, and you are never grown-up and suddenly all-knowing but you just sort of stumble through life and somewhere along you grab a wife and kids and you are still blind as ever, and then trying to teach your kids when you never feel like you ever learned anything yourself
CT Golden1: your constantly thinking of what you need to do....just do it and dont do anything else until you get a handle on it....no extra-curricular
CT Golden1: walk......I think you do walk already alot....its good to do
AdriN2001: Alright Dad I have to go but thanks for the advice and thanks for listening
CT Golden1: when I told my father I was going to quit school
CT Golden1: he didnt get mad....he never really would say alot
CT Golden1: he just said that he though I should hang in and finish....he thought I should.....I really miss him
CT Golden1: ok...bye
CT Golden1: love you
CT Golden1 signed off at 4:54:06 PM.

New Blog Series: Old School Sunday

So many years ago I kept a different kind of blog using LiveJournal. I actually like LiveJournal a lot because on each entry you can choose to make it public, private, or shared with only certain groups of LiveJournal friends.

I started my LiveJournal in 2002, and wrote through about 2006.

When our story begins (post to come in a bit), I am coming to the end of second semester of college, and still suffering from a strained relationship with my parents due to (ADHD, Adolescence, Insolence, the Desire to be Independent while Dependent and the Resentment that Comes with it, etc.). Additionally, at this point I had already met my friend Laccone, who would introduce me to Yan Xin Qigong. However I hadn't started practicing yet, so I was still in mood of searching for spiritual direction and a teacher . . . and therefore thinking a lot about a lot of deep things (perhaps quite typical for a college freshman?).

Annnnd, I was kind of a hippy in the aftermath of 9/11--my dorm definitely served "Freedom Fries" in the dining hall for several months. (But don't worry, I don't get dreadlocks and join an anti-war tent city campus protest for another year, so I'm still swinging toward the left at this point, haha. ;-)

So that's where we're at! Every Sunday I'll share a "guest" blog post from 18 soon to be 19 year old me, apparently living the typical "finding yourself politically, spirituality, familialy, and emotionally" sort of college life during 2002-2006.

I'm quite interested to see this story unfold. I haven't even read these journal entries for many years . . . so it will be as much of a surprise to me! ;-)

Resolution Update Day 20

So I made a resolution on 1/11/11 to practice Yan Xin Qigong (a sitting meditation and life practice) every day for the rest of the year.

And ten days ago, I reported that I'd missed a few days, but was persisting on . . .

In that post I said that the most important thing about a life change was to keep trying--and I am. I am happy to say that I've practiced every day for the last three days, and I'm feeling good.

Here's a few things I notice about what happens when I practice more:

-I am more: energetic, focused, and productive
-I write more: In my blog, in my journal, in my head ;-)
-I am less tired
-My mind doesn't linger on negative things as much
-I feel better about who I am
-I find more pleasure in simple tasks
-I am less hungry and lose weight more easily

So of course, all these things are so great and motivate me to continue on with my resolution. In 12 more days I will have reached my goal of one month of practice--not with every day intact, but with my intention and resolve intact. I am finding that this is the most critical thing.

Someone said once that the path to enlightenment is like swimming against a current. You just have to persist. It is going to be difficult and when you stop swimming you will float backwards and maybe lose some ground. But the muscles you built will never be lost, which means you will be continually more successful in your quest up the stream.

And so I persist.

Resolution Day 7 Update (on Day 10)

So on 1/11/11, I made a resolution to practice Yan Xin Qigong every day for the rest of the year and I'm here to update on my progress.

Weeelllll, I've missed some days. Like day 4, 6, 8 and 9 . . . But I did practice this morning.

And in my experience with trying to start a new habit or make any change to your life, is that you will miss and mess up some days. The most important thing is not to get bogged down by the days you forget, but just forge ahead and just continue to try to do your best every day.

This is how I succeeded (and have continued to succeed) in keeping a journal. When I was in middle school, I tried many times to keep a journal, but I would forget to write, then get mad at myself and "give up." The turning point with this whole journal-keeping business is when I decided that the days I DIDN'T write didn't matter, only the days I DID write mattered. And I decided that I would keep this notebook and write in it when I wanted to write, even if it had been months since the last time, and that I wouldn't "give up" or get discouraged no matter how long it had been since I wrote. And it worked, and I filled that notebook right up and I've been writing ever since--sometimes with long breaks (like my first two years of college were a big ole blank)--but it doesn't matter.

The conclusion is that with any life change (diet, exercise, any new habit that you are trying to form or any old habit that you are trying to break), the biggest thing is not to give up, but to keep trying. So that's my update for today. Forge ahead in 2011.

Resolution Day 3 Update

As I discussed here, my resolution this year is to practice Yan Xin Qigong every day for the rest of 2011.

My first goal to meet was three days and this is the third day.

So far? I'm feeling good!

What I notice the most is that I've had more energy. I stayed up until 1 and 2 o'clock the last two nights. I thought that I would feel tired the next day but I didn't really . . . furthermore, I've been able to be pretty productive in these late nights with writing and working on my blog, so that's an additional benefit.

I also notice that I'm feeling a little more emotionally/psychologically stable. I am someone with a history of depression, and pregnancy was like this golden land for me where I didn't need to manage my state of mind--my emotions and hormones were so level, it was great. But I knew that after I had James, eventually I would return to being the slightly-a-wreck person that I have always been, and the last week or so I really felt like I was slipping out of the smooth seas of my pregnant emotional state, and I knew something needed to be done. Hence the resolution. So, it seems to be benefiting me in this area as well!

I also feel confident. In the past when I've made promises to myself like this it has felt SO HARD to do it, and even as I made the promise I doubted it. But this time it is different, and I'm really appreciating that.

My next goal was one week, so I will update again when I hit that next milestone!

1/11/11 1:11:11 Resolution

So Yan Xin Qigong (the meditation/life practice that I study) has been on an official hiatus--my understanding is that they are reorganizing, which is probably a good thing, but we haven't had official chapter meetings or regional events in nearly a year.

I've observed that people who have continued with daily practice and study (writing reflective papers and making life or mind changes as a result) have done fine, and even gotten great benefit over the last year. My little family has certainly benefited and many of our friends as well.

But personally I have trouble practicing every day. I am good at writing papers and reflecting (but I should do more), and I try to practice de (virtue) in my daily life, and I think I do okay at that too. But I rarely practice on my own.

When we were having weekly and biweekly meetings, I would practice at least once or twice a week, but now it's been almost a year since I had that support. James practices daily, and so he is our rock in terms of maintaining a basic level of practice in our home.

However, I think I realized today that our house, our families, our bodies (health), and minds (health) are not as strong as they have been and can be, and now there is a third person here to support.

The conclusion? I need to start doing my part. I need to start practicing every day.

So this is my resolution. For the rest of 2011, I will practice every day. This will be an experiment--what can one year of Yan Xin Qigong inspire in a person's life? How will my life and the lives of my family and friends change?

My first goal will be three days, then one week, then one month, then three months, then six months, and then a year. I will try to update about how I am doing and what is changing. It is like breastfeeding--every day, as much as I can do it, as long as I can do it for, it will benefit my family. I can breastfeed, so I can do this, too.

This is my resolution.

First Fire

So last night our friend Eliot came to visit us. He moved to Hawaii about 2.5 years ago, so our chances to visit with him haven't been very great since then. But he came last night, and we went out to dinner at Willimantic Brewery, and then came home to our house to eat leftover pineapple cake, listen to music, and generally chat about life and Yan Xin Qigong (the meditation practice we all do).

The house felt so cold when we got home from the restaurant that I suggested that James make a fire (which then I took over making, LOL). We got it roaring in no time since the wood we have is from last year and very dry. It was so nice to be snuggly and warm in our living room, and later on, in our bedroom.

This is probably the first of many fires--we got the woodstove installed last fall and used it as supplementary heating--meaning we kept the electric thermostats quite low and used the fire to heat the main living areas to a more comfortable level. We would make a fire each morning and keep it going all day and all night.

I grew up with a woodstove and it sets the whole tone of fall and winter to me--I love the happy warmth and crackling. I'm pretty excited that it's once again "that time". :-)

Book Response: Flowers for Algernon

Though I read this book some time ago, I unearthed it yesterday while finding a book for James to read, and as I saw it and looked down at it, I felt this rush of emotion and thought go through me as I remembered this book.

To briefly summarize: "Flowers for Algernon" is about a man named Charlie who is intellectually disabled (old speak=mentally retarded), and takes part in an experiment and operation which could make him smarter. The experiment is successful and as his intelligence grows, he changes as a person--his friends, his work, his life. As he ever more quickly surpasses the intelligence of the original designers of the experiment, he begins to do his own research and tests to determine if the intelligence is a permanent state. Is it? Read to find out. ;-)

Once I got into this book I could not put it down. Charlie's transformation and the repercussions that swept through his life were both completely unique and yet, universal. The idea of intelligence lost and found (and maybe, lost again), was something that touched me deeply, and seemed to shake me. When I finished the book I felt unsettled in the way a good book does--like I had looked into my soul and seen something true, unprocessed, and perhaps, uninvited.

I guess fundamentally, I felt like I was Charlie. We learn and we grow, but as we move ahead and onward, sometimes we forget what we leave behind and what it meant to us. At the same time, in a very REAL sense, I have had moments, days, weeks, months, in which my mind seemed to break into a different plane of understanding (often because of the practice and experiences with Yan Xin Qigong, a meditation practice that I study, albeit rather badly much of the time). While I have been in this altered state of consciousness, for lack of a better phrase, certain words, ideas, phrases, and readings have taken on new meaning. Where once there was flatness, things sprung suddenly into depth and there was so much more to see that there wasn't enough time to write down all my thoughts, to think over every thought. One thing would lead to three, and as I made my choices about which way to let my mind flow, there was some understanding that the road not taken would not be seen again.

But these states fade, often the understandings with them. Now sometimes I read back on things I had written during these times, or things I had READ during these times, and gleaned great meaning from, and I find that I cannot understand. Often, that I cannot even understand my own thoughts as I wrote them.

Am I alone? I'm not sure if it is the practice of Yan Xin Qigong alone that brings me to this place--I feel as if sometimes people who are very religious or practice other forms of meditation can also get into these places . . . but as I finished "Flowers for Algernon" and put the book aside, unsettled was definitely the word for my feeling. I was Charlie, unable to comprehend what I once knew, and sometimes, too ignorant even to miss it.

For this reason and many others, I would highly recommend "Flowers for Algernon".