Hi to Another Kid

Sometimes I think you read this, and this is what I always wanted to tell you.

I hate that I couldn't keep my promise to be there for you no matter what.
I still think often about this and feel very regretful. You did not need another broken promise in your life--I am so sorry.

What happened with me was NOT your fault. If you have any guilt about this . . . the idea that you might have any guilt about this is one of the hardest things for me, so hopefully you don't.

I fell into a trap that many young and inexperienced people in my position fall into--to become friends. I needed training on how to set proper boundaries and I didn't get it. It has taken a lot of therapy to realize I was not entirely to blame for my misjudgments, just as a teenager who does not get the right support is not entirely to blame for their misjudgments...

I really, really, hope that . . . I helped you. It's all I wanted to do, even though I might not have been smart enough about it.

I can't tell you how proud it makes me to see that you have held down the same job for quite awhile now, that you have a real girlfriend--that you are smiling, that you seem happy, as much as I can tell from cyberspace . . .

I wish the world was a different place where people who felt like family could just be family . . . in my heart you will always be my kid. My son who I am SO proud of, for whom I have SUCH high hopes. You can do anything you set your mind to--so pick something good that makes you happy and do it--do it every day so that the joy of it sings through your soul.

I have thought and thought these things for so long . . . so I'm just saying them, here, and hoping the message finds your ear along the winds somewhere in time.

Old School Sunday: Friends and Me

If you haven't heard about my new blog series "Old School Sunday", read the back story!

And if you want, catch up on what you missed (read from the bottom up!)

I was getting to the end of the semester of my Freshman year . . .

9th April 2002
6:05pm
Current Mood: happy

You know, it seems like all my friends lives are falling apart. Some of them are dating bad guys, most of them are having financial trouble, some of those that are in school are doing badly, and some of them are even having trouble with their families/being kicked out of them houses, etc etc. And in one way I feel horrible. In one way it feels like MY life is upside down too, because all the people that I have known forever have changed so dramatically that I feel like I've lost something too.

But you know, my life is NOT upside down. My life is good. -I am done with my half of the tuition, and while it was stressful to pay that much money out, it was rewarding too. I had to earn the money and be responsible with it and I was. -I feel like I've been a good friend to all my friends, to the point of sacrificing things that I wanted. But again, it was worth it because friendship is important. -My grades are good. They are. School is good. I am on top of all this registration/major declaring/financial aid/etc. I have been responsible about school and I am proud of myself. -I am in love with a great guy who makes me laugh and laugh and who would give me anything I asked and who I love being with and spending time with.

My life is good. And I'm really proud of myself. My parents haven't been here. All this is MY doing. And it's all good.

Thoughts on Adoption

I have mentioned on here and in person to various friends and family offhand that we are thinking about adoption.

Adopting is something I've always thought of doing. My sister's boyfriend's family is a great example for me. His Mom was adopted, and his sister was adopted (from Korea? Vietnam? I should know but I'm not sure).

My sister has been dating her boyfriend for like . . . 7 years now. And in that time me and my sisters have talked often about adoption. Some have said that they don't want to have biological children and ONLY adopt (one more motivated by population issues, the other more motivated by "fear and unwillingness to push a baby out of her"), but later may have softened on that point. But I think all of us feel open to adoption (or primarily committed to it) as a way to grow our families, so it's something that's always been present on my mind.

But something changed in an acute way after having James. The postpartum and nursing hormones turned stories of abandoned children into the stuff nightmares are made of. And suddenly my thoughts and mind are haunted by an image of babies lined up in cribs on their backs, rows upon rows, and just feeling the connection I have with James, and feeling as if the bond between Mom and Babe is almost holy, the thought of babies out there without a Mom just makes me cry every single time I fully indulge it. So lonely and cold and hungry and wanting someone to love them! AH.

And so I suppose I feel most called to International Adoption--the most expensive and longest taking of all! Lucky me, haha. No but I do seriously feel lucky. And my heart is already connected to our little (daughter?) and I feel totally as if she is meant to be in our family. However she probably isn't even born yet, haha, but still! I feel the same connection toward my future next biological child and I felt the same connection to James while we were trying-to-conceive him.

But ironically planning an adoption is like "planning to try-to-conceive, trying (for a WHILE), and being pregnant" all in one--that is--it takes a LONG time. Especially International Adoption.

So even though my feeling about our adoption is that it is something for the future--like 5 or 6 years down the line--strangely, we should begin the process now and/or within the next year? It's crazy but true!

It's overwhelming and crazy but I'm totally excited at the same time. I guess the first step now is really to learn more--knowing me that means beginning (even more than I already do) to read more and more adoption blogs, and start to research which country will be the best option for us. Eeeek--it is super exciting. It feels very much like planning for any baby, to me--when to try and what that will mean for your life . . .

Okay, I am going to try to publish a Movie Monday post later today, as well!