The Pressure is On!!

Okay . . .

Firstly may I apologize for any stupid things I might have said about parenting before I was a parent. I certainly don't think one needs to have BEEN THERE to know about it--that is, I'm sure there are excellent male midwives and OBs who will never be pregnant, excellent lactation consultants who have never breastfed a baby, and plenty of excellent researchers who have added to the suggested to-do and not-to-do list in terms of parents decisions . . . but one thing I didn't understand until getting to this place with a child (and I'm sure this is only the beginning) is the pressure that you feel as a Mother.

I really think most of it is sourced internally. That is, I think people are the most defensive and sensitive when THEY don't have confidence in their own decisions (or when they aren't doing what they would ideally like to)--therefore, any wayward comment about said decisions/actions can cause internal turmoil . . .

So while I think there can be over-bearing Mothers and Mother-in-Laws (and we've all heard some stories), I think a lot of the discomfort and scrutiny a lot of new Moms feel is ultimately the result of their OWN feelings . . . but it's easy not to see that in the moment, and be defensive because you love your baby, and how DARE someone suggest that you aren't doing right in just how you caring for him! So you get upset/defensive right away, even though said commenter might have just asked you if he might be hungry or something relatively innocent . . .

But it's more than that, because I can tell you, sitting a room yesterday surrounded by my Mother (Great housewife and raiser of four college grads and all-around great kids--not to brag), my Mother-in-law (with a Master's Degree in Family Counseling), my one Grandmother (mother of five and organizational/cleaning expert extraordinaire), and my other Grandmother (who is like THE 50's housewife/Martha Stewart/Cooker, Baker, Painter, Crafter, etc) . . . well honestly it's a lot to live up to. I respect all these women immensely as both wives and mothers . . . so the pressure is on but I do know it is mostly coming from myself.

But with this said, when I heard other Moms talk about Mommy-judging, Mommy-guilt, and other aspects of the social/emotional space of motherhood, I seriously did NOT realize how intense it would be. Both giving and getting--I really want to call myself back into this mental space anytime I find myself giving parenting or breastfeeding advice and remember that as good as my intentions might be, the Mom I'm talking to is FEELING THE BURN just like I was yesterday, and try to be REALLY REALLY sensitive to that.

And let's review here: My baby is perfect. He basically never cries, he is beautiful and obviously super healthy, he has never had anything more than a slight cold/congestion (which a little breast milk in the ears has cleared up within a day the three times it's happened). You might be wondering what possibly could have gotten scrutinized yesterday? Hahaha.

Keep in mind between the four aforementioned women, we run the gamete between my Mom, who like me is super cued into when his noises turn slightly whiny and who begins wondering immediately (aloud) if he needs a fresh diaper, a snack, or what, and my grandmother, who asked me why I was feeding him though he was whining and it had been 3 hours since he last ate, because he wasn't crying.

So basically, damned if you do, damned if you don't, right?

(On an unrelated note, I wrote this like two days ago and there were so many other thoughts in my head and I wasn't sure it was done--but honestly I have a lot of old post beginnings that have never been published, so I'm going to try to be less critical and just go with whatever I've got. So here it is.)

Last Year on this Day...Mother's Day 2010

Last year on Mother's Day, I told my family I was pregnant.

We had the plan to go to my parent's house--my sisters would be there, my two grandmothers would be there, and as it happened, my aunt (who is my godmother), my uncle, and my two cousins were there as well.

We'd gotten cards for each of them. Two "Grandma" cards for my Mom and James' Mom (we'd go to their house later on), and two "Great-Grandma" cards for my two grandmothers. Inside the cards were ultrasounds pictures from 7 and 9 weeks, and "tickets" to the birth and to hear the heartbeat.

So the moment came when everyone was gathered in the living room and they were going to open cards. They opened other cards and then I told them to open ours "all together". My grandma Rosemary realized first, and she just looked at us with tears in her eyes and said: "Really?" And then my grandma Marline started crying and got up to hug us, saying she was so so happy!

And then I looked at my Mom and she didn't know what to think. She was still reading the front of the card and didn't realize. And then some of the "tickets" fell out and she looked at them and finally realized.

"You're pregnant?" she said. And the rest of the room exploded into tears and hugs and my Mom and Dad, shell-shocked, not getting it, hahah. We had to count with my Dad--he was the same age as his father was when he became a grandfather! this comforted him.

My parents both distrusted it, after hearing about the m/c and our infertility struggles . . . I think it took at least a month to kick in--after we showed them the u/s video, and found out it was a boy, then it started to be more real to them . . .

Anyway, my sister Lauren totally lost it then. She turned into a sobbing mess, saying how happy she was for us, and that she had just been wishing so hard for us that we would get pregnant . . .

It was really special.

Later we went to James' Mom's house and I swear she read the following text of the card aloud before she realized I was pregnant:

"Once there was a little boy who had a really special Grandma! (turn page)
(handwritten:) "Here's a picture of your precious grandchild at 7 weeks gestation! And look how big (s)he is at 9 weeks!"

Finally she looked up at us: "Wait a minute! Are you pregnant?" Hahaha, and more hugging and congratulations from my inlaws and my brother and sister in law.

It was so special. And now, this year, I'm a real mother at last.