My Baby is Growing Up . . . and I cried about it

J has changed so much in the last month. I know I say that every month, but it's just always true . . .

I start out with writing with lots of thinking. Every post is a selection of a bunch of ideas and thoughts and the lack of a bunch of other thoughts and ideas that I've been having over the past hour, day, week, month, year, whatever.

So I was in the "thinking about" stage for james' six month post (coming Thursday!) and trying to breastfeed him . . . we had a busy weekend and I think he's just in a really overtired, overstimulated, underfed, not enough Mommytime, and recovering from being sick sort of a mood . . . (his normal days actually consist of a lot of relative "alone" time where he is playing quietly and I think that down time is important for him). Anyway, he just kept arching his back and fussing and not wanting to eat. Just before that I had taken away a toy from him so I could go nurse him and he threw a fit. Like, started bawling and kicking his legs . . . oh man.

So of course this brought me back to how much he has changed in the last month. My boy who up until recently would never refuse "a meal", haha. And holding him like that and thinking about it, I just burst into tears! Firstly that he's growing up, secondly that he's rejecting me from nursing (only sometimes, but still)--I used to be enough for him! Enough warm, food, comfort--the most interesting thing in the world!

But as I'd mentioned before, someone lit a fire in this boy's pants this month and he's on the move. I'm suddenly taking a back seat to the very interesting world and all he wants to do with it--look, touch, hear . . .

I know this is only another step in the process of james starting to become his own person with his own interests, desires . . . will. The process of his body separating out from mine, starting at conception, is moving toward completion, now at 6 months, as the weaning process begins ever so slowly with his first table foods . . . I know I have many many more years to come of my little boy, but before I know it he'll be a teenager and then a man! I've seen it happen to other kids, I know how fast it goes.

And for a second today, struggling to nurse my little guy, I held him for a second and cried about his upcoming 6-month "birthday"--I always thought of a 6 month old as a "big baby". And honestly james is already there--he resembled so much his 13-month old cousin we saw this weekend--with a will, on the move . . . it made me realize (again) how fast it goes. Hug those babies close, fellow Mommas.