Our Fourth Anniversary

I nearly forgot to post about this, but today is mine and James' fourth anniversary! Four years ago today we promised to spend the rest of our lives together.

I love him even more now than I did then.

The other day I watched this episode of Nip/Tuck where this girlfriend of Sean's commits suicide because she has fatal cancer and like, wants to die on her own terms. He is there with her holding her hand when she does it (takes a bunch of pills and then puts a bag over her head). It's pretty painful to watch--as Sean watches this woman he loves die, and then has to go to her funeral and say goodbye to her.

After watching this I started thinking about what if something ever happened to James, and it sent me into an hour long crying fit. Luckily James was there to talk me through it and comfort me. I don't think it would ever get any easier--no matter how old we got--whether we were 50 or 90 or 150, I can't imagine it would ever get easier to live a single day without him by my side.

I can't express how much I love him. When I think of my fears--the number one of which is now something happening to our child, before, after, or during birth--the one thing I know is that I could get through it only because James would be by my side. He is the absolute best husband ever--I could give a million examples. Mostly, when I am too tired and sore and spoiled to deal with something, he will take care of it--take care of me--even if he is just as tired and sore.

He has been there for me through a year-long depression, through infertility, through cycles of dependence and mistakes. He never once questioned his love for me, even when I was miserable and didn't love myself at all--even when he had to do everything--take care of everything in our lives--hold us both up.

When I look at him, at his face, into his eyes, he is the most beautiful person I have ever seen. I used to say he had an angel face. He still has an angel face, too.

Over the last four years, my love for him has grown and deepened and turned into something I didn't even predict or expect--and yet something inside me always knew I would find it. When other people worried about finding the perfect person for them, somehow I always knew that I would meet my soul-mate. And I have.

When I think of one of us dying--passing from this world into that space beyond--I can only hope that we'll come back to a new life where we can meet again. How fun it would be to fall in love again in a new life. I'm sure, somehow, that this isn't the first time--sometimes I picture us together in a time before, a different place. It is comforting to know that we have found each other again, and that we'll always have that chance, no matter how many lives and cycles we pass through--we will know and find each other again and again.

I love you, James. I'm excited to spend the rest of my life with you. And the next and the next and the next . . .